The Wrath of Grapes ( with apologies to John Steinbeck)

...of Birthdays and Beer

Beautiful Avril celebrated a birthday recently. I like to think that maybe we qualify as good neighbours since she invited us to dinner.

Like all birthdays there was great company, nice music, good food and wine, and of course Bonny ( Avril’s macho hubby) made sure beer was on hand.

I’ve never been a wine drinker, I am a beer man. The great thing about beer is that you basically drink it, then you pop open another one.

Beer drinkers are nonchalant, laid back, friendly, down-to-earth folk who enjoy talking football or the importance of spin bowling, much like the Hobbits of the Shire.

Snobs who fancy wine however tend to be insufferable in that they sniff at the cork, swirl it around the glass, and go on and on about it while holding it up to candle light, unlike us beer drinkers, who just guzzle it down.

I know I am generalizing here, but I don’t care.

A while ago I decided to see what all the brouhaha was about wine. I rented a three-piece suit and bow-tie and went on to attend the Annual Sommelier Meet held in the humid confines of the French Consulate in Pondicherry.

For the benefit of you rotgut drinkers a “sommelier” is that dignified-looking wine steward with the starched shirt, who looks down his nose at you in expensive 5-star hotel restaurants, hands you the “Wine List”, and when you point to the French writing that actually means,” Taxes and Surcharge Extra” says “Excellent Choice Sir,” then struts off and brings you the iodine-tasting house wine.

A lot of the Pondicherry “elite” who consider themselves wine aficionados were on hand for the Sommelier Meet.

We were served champagne in the lawns and introductions were bartered in the foyer.

We then went in to dinner and to watch the presentation of new wines.

After a few glasses of champagne this takes on an ethereal, immensely entertaining quality, because some of the local Pondicherry Ashramites spoke (I figured they practiced for days in their meditation chambers) with cultivated French accents which were highly comical,.(Sroo-out eestory zee hrole of zee whine mhakar eez to zeelect zee grape zat epeetomizes zee flavore of zee reegeeawn)

Also as an invitee I got to drink a lot of wine, just like beer I would down my glass of wine and look around for more.

Not so the wine-drinkers at my table who swirled their glasses around, sniffed, and instead of drinking the wine, mostly gargled with it, then with studious faces would make remarks like they were selecting applicants for Big Brother ( “I find it particularly intriguing if a trifle facetious.” Or : “It’s cultivated but just a little too puritanical for rhetoric”)

I asked Brigitte, a French lady sitting next to me if the French went on about wine in the same snotty way. “No,” she said, “we just drink it, because that’s why we make it ,no?”

Then came the sommelier competition.

A bunch of them from around the country were quizzed on questions like; which regions with a “B” apart from Bordeaux, Beaujolais, and Baloney produce Pinot Noire wines ( I’m joking about Baloney –that’s where they produce fertiliser)

There was a blind-tasting where we invitees also got to sample a wine introduced from the Golconda region of Hyderabad.

It was rusty brown in colour and everyone at the table agreed it was lousy. “A trifle earthy,” said one lady. “Too efficacious for a Cabernet.” said another. “Like cow pee” I volunteered. The others felt I was being too strong in my opinion, but I was the only one who finished my glass.

Next we got a French wine which was awesome and which I gulped down hastily, but a reporter from the Wine Weekly was upset that instead of it being from the Loire Region as mentioned in the program this wine was from the Alsace region. “They are both haute couture wines but there is such a difference in their personalities.” I was the only one who laughed, although I suspect Brigitte wanted to as well.

For the finale the sommeliers had to match wines with menu selections.

The menus had food disguised with French-sounding names like “ Poisson Marquis de Sade aux Frappe de Merde “ and “ Boeuf avec Coeur de Bastille.”

Each sommelier had to state reasons why he chose a particular wine.

Statements poured forth such as: ”I felt the Chablis ‘69 would have the enhanced bouquet to compliment the Pate’” and “ In my opinion when marrying red herring with melba, the wine has to be allowed to breathe in advance and ….”

It turned out hilarious and entertaining for me, but my table mates were appalled that I had been invited.

In the end the winning sommelier was Alfred Gomes from Goa.

He won the Crystal Carafe’ and an all-expenses-paid trip to France and had this to say: “When I see Turkey on the menu I am reminded of a quote…….”

I say! Capital my man! Now who can argue with a man who is reminded of a quote by turkeys!

Avril’s birthday dinner turned out to be a smashing success, since most of us stuck to drinking beer, ergo there were no controversial issues – except for my references to Divinity and Bacchus in the same breath….

Oh ! and Joe flirted with death on the roof while recovering a ring… but that’s another story.

DIY Mishaps

Tech- Supports R Us

I have spent large portions of daylight in the past few days trying to solve a problem that involves (tantantaratara-background music) two different companies.To protect their identities, the company names are changed and I will call them "Pewlett Hackard" and "Z-Link."

I believe I have talked to all the employees including the janitors at both companies at least twice.

Each time I get to a new person, I explain my problem, and each time the person I'm talking to -- who really, really wants to help me with my problem -- decides, after much review and conferring while I remain on hold, that I need to talk to another person.

This has become my latest pastime. I wake up,brush my teeth, & drink my coffee while calling my new friends at Pewlett and at Link. I am sooooo pathetic! Waaah!

OK, for the benefit of those computer geeks who are looking for details, here is my problem.

If you are searching for entertainment however, do not read further.

I am trying to activate a Z-Link broadband modem on a Pewlett Hackard notebook computer (the Gimpaq Senario X1000), which is a beautiful laptop that I really like) (except for this problem) (and yes, Apple people, I know that Apples are perfect and NEVER have any technical problems; I actually own an Apple,(i Pod) which I liked a lot at first, but for different things, but you're kidding yourself, Apples have problems too, especially your stupid i Pods. And I discovered a worm in the fruit as well!

The thing is, when I bought the notebook, I assumed it came with the broadband modem installed. But apparently it did not.

So I bought the modem (it's the BLT905K model) which according to Z-link is plug and play and can be (tantantaratara) installed by the customer.

I installed it. But I cannot make it work.

I spent a genoooooooorrrrmous amount of time on the phone with Z-link, and they are absolutely positively certain that they have my POP3, SMTP, IP address and Subnet Mask Numbers correct in their system. (No, I don't know what all those numbers are, but you need them, and I have them, and by golly it is correct.)

I also spent a major amount of time on the phone with Pewlett Hackard, particularly a very nice and profoundly patient tech-support lass named Pratima whose soft, langorous voice I have fallen in love with, who ran some kind of remote diagnostic program that enabled her to actually send pretty pictures to my screen, which was awesome, but that did not really help.

Pratima, after trying many things, believes my modem is working properly (even though I installed it) and so far she is stumped if she can figure out why the dam thing will not connect to the network.

So I am going to try moving my notebook to the loo, to see if maybe it's just not getting the signal (which I doubt is the problem, because my old PC worked fine in the same spot with a Z-link broadband modem) (but you never know).

If that doesn't work, I will have to go to another Gimpaq department, “FAQ’s R Us”.

But Pratima gave me all her contact info, and promises that if I need more help, she will be there for me. Maybe I’ll ask her out on a date.

I warned you not to read that. But you wouldn't listen.......

FINALLY: It’s fixed! The problem was -- why I am not surprised? -- me. I did a crappy job of installing the modem, and specifically attaching the ADSL cable to the teeny little line-out connector.

What did you expect? I’m no rocket scientist!

The solution was suggested by Ronny the Banking.com guy, at whose feet I prostrate in gratitude.
With the help of my neighbours 7-year old son, who, unlike me, can see small things, I took the connectors off and reattached them, and for now it seems to be working.
I am much relieved, though I will miss all my tech-support friends.

I also thank all the janitorial staff and persons who came forward with helpful suggestions, even the ones who are clearly mentally challenged.

Pay Now, Pray Later

Concept Holidays

Strolling on the sands of Candolim Beach one morning, I notice this youth lounging at a shack and looking us over predatorily. He begins walking over.

One hand immediately goes to my back pocket to feel for my wallet, and the other forward and down to check for an open fly.

Youth: Congratulations Sir and Madam, you have just won a free holiday in a foreign country.

Me: That’s not possible? We NEVER win anything !

This made the youth explain further: My name is Savio Pinto and I work for the Royal Goan Maharaja Resort Beach Club and you can win a free vacation in Thailand, if you will allow me to make an appointment for you to examine a new Holiday Concept launched by our organisation.

To win the vacation both partners had to be present at the appointment. I figured out later that this was a precaution; in case one signed a contract with them individually and the other found out and killed him, this would void the contract.

We went to the address and presented the card that Savio gave us and were let into a room filled with other couples, not unlike a dentist’s waiting room, except that this room had backdated, dog-eared copies of The Lonely Planet dating back to the sixties, with the illustrations torn out.

Every now and then a woman resembling Whistler’s Mother would come in and lead a couple off, leaving the rest of us to wonder what was going to happen to them. I thought maybe it would be like a college ragging session, where they would put us in a dark room and pour cow-pee over us and then present us with our Thai vacation. But as it happens you don’t get off that easy.

Finally our names were called and we went in to meet Simon. Simon always begins his sentences with, “Let me be frank,” and ends them with shaking your hand grasping it between both of his to let you know that he is the closest friend you have in the world. When Simon was born the doctor told the nurse not to go near his crib wearing her wedding ring.

Simon said that they did not just invite ANY random couples off the street to offer this new Holiday Concept. He said that they had spent a lot of time and money in research to ensure that we fit their high profile – not that they minded it, and we should not feel obligated - since they needed to ensure that no criminals were entertained, or they would not be able to make an offer to upper-class people like us.

I asked how they could carry out research on something like that. This made Simon very nervous. I think it suddenly occurred to him that we could be those very same criminals, and might be carrying weaponry, and he launched into a speech about “different modalities of circumvention, ” the underlying gist meaning that when he said they did not want criminals, he did not mean us per se.

Next Simon asked us where we took our vacations and we were educated on how we could get herpes from the bed sheets in hotels that had housekeeping & room services. This made us realise that whatever Simons’ holiday concept was it did not have housekeeping & room service.

Finally Simon let it be known that their holiday concept was Time Share Resorts. As he explained it basically, we were supposed to give them a couple of lakhs of rupees plus annual maintenance and we could have a 3 night / four day holiday every year at these Time Share Resorts of which Simons’ company had built a few and planned to build many more of.


Then he showed us a brochure to illustrate their Time Share Resort in Delhi, which had a nice picture of the Qutb Minar, although when asked about it, he said that the Qutb Minar was not technically on the resort property per se.

I said that until I had actually seen one of these resorts I could not be expected to put my money down. So Simon said there was one just outside. What we saw was an open-air boy-scout type camping ground with tents, video games and a wading pool. I told him that I would spend holiday time there only if this was one of the demands made by my daughter’s kidnappers.

So we went back inside and Simon lunged at us with his Special Offer, only available for that day:
For thirty thousand rupees plus annual maintenance charges we could become members of his resorts!
Plus, for a small annual fee, we could stay at RCI affiliated, Time-Share resorts world wide! There are thousands of them! They litter whole continents!
Plus we could get discounts at Amusement Parks! Essel World! Air Fares!
A Palace in Rajasthan! Limo Service! Several Palaces in Rajasthan!
Parasailing! Special front row seats to Kaun Banega Crorepati! A.R.Rehman’s English CD!

But we had to act today! Right Now! Before he made this unique offer to other couples waiting outside!

Any Questions?

Just one big one actually!

Did he think we had the same sheep–brains of the idiots who voted on American Idol, George W.Bush for President and the Goa Regional Plan 2011?

Sub-questions followed: What are you talking about? What Palaces? What Amusement Parks? How much of a discount?

Simon didn’t really know. He was more of a specialist in bed sheet hygiene.

Then he brought in his Bosco,his Marketing Manager who pulled out a lot of travel brochures and kept reading the headlines, as if they contained real information.

The whole ordeal took about two hours but we finally got our free vacation in Thailand. However as we had not purchased a time share, this offer was valid only in the monsoons,we had to get there on our own, and then travel North into the hills on donkey back, and we had to carry our own food and water.

All said and done, attending the presentation, assuming that you get through their strict screening procedure and are invited personally – I would say is a fun, family outing.

Those of you who are criminals, might want to use your illegal weapons to bypass the holiday concept presentation altogether and get the free holiday up front.

Oh God ! -Part III

Moses & The Pharaoh

Nadia; one gorgeous hunk of womankind, smart, funny and attractive, though not in that order, and a big part of my life, was invited to her friend Krista’s house for the Passover dinner.

Now Nadia is an American born Indian or ABCD (that’s American Born Confused Desi) whose ancestors EFG (emigrated from Gujarat) where they had a large sprawling HIJ (house in Jamnagar) Sheesh! I outdo myself!

Nadia works with the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) in the U.S., where she currently researches infectious diseases and their historical and empirical importance. Which is why this particular dinner was of major significance. She has now discovered that it was the Old Testament God who is really responsible in the first place for all these infectious diseases.

You see the Old Testament God was a very strict God, unlike the New Testament God who is mellow and loving and forgiving, and would never smite the Philistines and the Pharisees which is something the Old Testament God, tutored by Harlan Ullman, was always doing, by raining down fire and brimstone much like the “shock and awe” tactics of the Americans on the Iraqis.

So in Egypt He forced the Pharaoh, to allow Moses and the Israeli Brickmakers Unions and their families, to leave the country by bringing down upon the Egyptians plagues of frogs, locusts, flies, gnats and dead seafood, turning the Nile into blood, destroying their crops, killing their livestock and their firstborn, and generally raising a stink everywhere; the first prototype weapons-of-mass-destruction.

From this we infer that a whole slew of diseases may have had their origins in Egypt and that the Israelites founded the first Mafia raising "protection" money from the Egyptians by making them Passover all their gold and silver before they had their exit visas stamped and left the country.

There is speculation too that coronary disease was a result of this era, since no matter what disaster took place in the earlier stages of the Exodus, the Lord always “hardened the Pharaoh’s heart,” resulting in blocked arteries – possibly leading to the first bypass surgery Egyptian-style.

And since the Nile was all bloody and polluted, the first deep-bore wells were dug all along its banks to get drinking water.

The Israelites then had to eat unleavened bread, roasted lamb & fresh bitter herbs for all of seven days, whence they discovered that they had better digestion, more roughage, and since there was no yeast fermenting in the dough it made them feel less bloated and not so flatulent.

Later in the week - Easter Monday, Moses was handed down the Ten Commandments carved on stone tablets, and developed the first hernia carrying these down from the mountain, these Commandments are followed to this day along with various amendments, clauses and sub-clauses in Supreme Courts and Kangaroo Courts all over the world.

It may be inferred therefore that the CDC owes its very existence to Moses, the ancient Israelites and the Old Testament God, & should declare the Passover a major annual public holiday and Nadia presented the Abraham Horwitz award.

Computer Hazards for the Addicted

The above pics have been compiled from contributions of a whole community of folk who happen to read and appreciate my blogspots on computerology amongst other stuff, and because I was too lazy to think up new stuff for myself. They prove the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words and I could not have said it better.Here's 23,000 words.Thanx people. Enjoy !