India Burning

My fellow Indian Citizens! I wrote this interesting little nugget and would like to share with all of my wonderful fans out there.

Who am I kidding, NOBODY reads this drivel.

Sad to say but a former Patriotic Indian has switched over to the "Dark Side" and has decided not to vote ever again. Always a shame when that happens.

And now for your enjoyment I proudly present:

'National (In) Security we can believe in.'

I'm not voting because I believe the government can do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm not voting because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody (except a radical Hindu, Muslim, Christian or a Politician) is offended by it.

I'm not voting because when we send our cricket team to Pakistan I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they NOW think we're good people.

I'm not voting because I believe that people who can't safeguard our borders from just 10 (count them on your fingers - TEN) terrorists, talk about us being a superpower and play around sending rockets to the moon.

I'm not voting because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of innocents in Mumbai and the rape and slaughter of Christian in Orissa so long as we keep the Parliament attacker death row inmate alive for political expediency.

I'm not voting because I believe that business should NOT be allowed to make profits for stockholders (provident funds, employee benefits, etc). They need to break even and give the rest away to the government as excise, income, sales and service taxes for redistribution as government bureaucrats see fit i.e. the moon rocket and the time money and energy wasted on the Indo-US Nuclear agreements.

I'm not voting because I believe three or four pointy headed “Marathi Manooses” need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some kooks and goondas who would NEVER get their agendas past level-headed voters.

I'm not voting because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over THERE, and they come over HERE (and they ALREADY HAVE!), I do not even have a cricket bat in the house to fight them off, because all the armed security being provided in the country is only for the politician.

I'm not voting because I love the fact that I can drive any way I want on the roads and not follow any rules whatsoever.

I'm not voting because I believe oil companies' accumulated losses on every litre of gas is obscene, but the GOVERNMENT TAX on gas at 19% isn't.

I'm not voting because I don't want India to look at harnessing solar, wind and alternative energy to save it’s environment from degradation, but will continue to depend on importing petroleum products, as well as allowing other countries to use our shores as dumping grounds for their toxic wastes.

I'm not voting because I want the Parliament to continue to be adjourned to avoid any vote on aam aadmi betterment programmes.

I'm not voting because I believe that 500+ people most of whom have criminal records and whom I would not hire to clean my toilet, have enough combined experience to run the whole country!! (into the ground)

I'm not voting because we need a leader like our P.M. with the charisma and wisdom that tells us that India has yet to undertake police reforms and that, “existing laws will be tightened to ensure that there are no loopholes….” also that, “the PEOPLE of India will rise unitedly to face this grave challenge….” He never mentions the politicians. Now this is wisdom.' WOW!

I'm not voting because I WANT TO PAY for bad roads, improper town and country planning, power shortages, no running tap water, pollution of my environment, no law and order, non-existent health care, poor education, reservation policies. This too, is a legacy of wisdom bequeathed by our politicians for over 60 years of independence! DOUBLE WOW!

I'm not voting because I want to pay bribes to all those corrupt babus for any public service, licences, permits, papers I might need, to carry on my daily existence as a bona fide citizen of India. TRIPLE WOW!

But mostly I'm not voting because I'm happy for anyone who makes more illegal money than me; and I expect the government to help them make more through deals like the 3G Spectrum telecom scam, so that the Swiss Banks can add to the already more than 1.5 trillion dollars squirreled away by politicians and other notorious notaries in their notoriety, from India. So that when anarchy does finally reign supreme in this fair nation, they can happily live in luxurious comfort befitting political refugees in the good ol’ US of A. DRUMROLL… BADOM BADOM TISH!

See ya at the Malegaon blast hearings next week.

Thanks for looking,

To all those who died and gave their lives in this senseless massacre in Mumbai.... the whole world weeps with me, go with God and forever rest in peace.

Real nude pictures of Sarah Palin (not)

My friend Hodishi Takanaka called me yesterday and exulted, “Hey Ken San, You know the new Presiden’ of America is Barack”. I replied,” Yes,Hidoshi San,I know and do you know that he’s also African American.” To which he said,” I tole you jus’ now he was barrack, din you heah me!’ … Ok bad joke!

I always knew that the White House needed some colour, it was too bland thus far. Worse with George Bush in residence and due to neglect in the last 8 years both the White House and America started taking on a sort of greyish-yellow hue.

The new incumbent will need to be concerned about re-decorating, I’m thinking a nice pastel green might be in order, but he would need to scrape off the accumulated gunk before even starting.

A very important issue that Obama and indeed all of us need to be concerned about is the Global Financial Meltdown, and we will get to that shortly, but first we need to discuss what happened the other day in my back yard.

It began when I was in the garage searching for toilet paper (I keep toilet paper in the garage). Suddenly Arjun, the plumber, who also doubles as a part-time gardener shouted: ''There's a snake in the bushes!'' he may have been shouting, “There’s a tiger on my tail”, but he sounded pretty excited. My immediate response was: ''No, thanks! I’ve already had breakfast!'' But he kept jumping up and down on the compound wall so I decided to remedy the situation.
What is called for, by tradition, is for The Man of the House to put down his toilet paper and take charge.

I peeked over the backyard wall, and, sure enough, there was a large yellowish-grey thing, (that did not look remotely like Dick Cheney or any other White House inhabitant), slithering around, and sneaking under a rock. This was a perfect example of why -- no matter what you hear to the contrary -- private citizens have a legitimate need for machine guns. No single-shot air gun is going to bring down a slithering snake at close range. To stop one of those babies, you need to put a LOT of firepower into its hide.

Unfortunately, the only weapon I had was a stick. You know how, in Bollywood war movies, Hrithik Roshan, when it's time to go into battle, gives out a mighty yell and charges boldly forward with his shirt off, muscles bulging and head held high? Well, that is not what I did. I reached slowly into my pocket, careful not to make any sudden movements, and taking out my secret weapon, dialled the Forest Department. Then I made gentle hissing sounds in the direction of the snake designed to assure it that not only was I harmless, but I was also willing, if necessary, to cook it some dinner.

I then grabbed the stick and turned to face the snake just in case it decided to charge, and, looking into the hole into which it had slithered, I swear I saw that it had purple fangs and eyes, which were GLOWING.

When the Forest Department guy arrived he collaborated that this snake was large. This was by FAR the largest snake I have ever encountered.

Are you familiar with the movie ''Anaconda,'' in which Jennifer Lopez is part of a National Geographic survey of the jungle to capture the largest anaconda, a group of cardboard cutouts posing as actors bite off more than they can chew and get swallowed by an over sized and very agitated snake. That sums up the film. What looked like it may have been a flop was saved by a computer graphic snake upstaging all the actors and devouring them. Unfortunately J-Lo survived since she was too glamorous to be devoured and she would have made the snake look tame by comparison by throwing a hissy fit if she was to be eaten. Well, the snake in my backyard looked like it could have used that Anaconda as dental floss.

So anyway, when the snake-catcher coolly pulled out the snake with his bare hands and told me that the 9 foot monster snake was, in fact, a shy non-venomous rat snake, I knew exactly what to do. Specifically, I yelled: ''It's a rat snake!'' This was for the benefit of the neighbours. I'm sure the snake already knew what it was.
''Oh! And don't harm it!'' I told the snake- catcher for further effect.

So there, alone in the wilds of my backyard for a space of time, armed only with a stick, I almost went head-to-head with the Godzilla Devil Snake From Yamalaya. It clearly was not afraid of me. It looked right at me from under the rock in the aggressive, confident manner of a creature that, in the wild, preys on baby water buffalo.

How well did I handle myself? I certainly don't want to blow my own trumpet.
FOREST DEPARTMENT PERSON: Kenneth was very, very brave.

I have kept the stick handy in a corner just in case of another emergency, but I feel good that I also saved a rat snake from harm by calling the Forest Department.

So now the house is quiet again. I am uneasy however. I find myself wondering: Where did that thing COME from? What if there's SOMETHING MORE out there? A killer earthworm?

I frankly don't know how anyone can think about the Global Meltdown at a time like this.

P.S. The Palin headline was a marketing gimmick to see how many more of you would be drawn to read my BlogSpot:). HIDOSHI TANAKA: Confucius say, “Sucker born every minute not rorripop(LOLLIPOP)”