Safe Landings (either way)
I haven’t attended a wedding for over a year:
Missed the Pam Anderson wedding – but got the consummation video off the internet.
Missed the Nicole Kidman / Keith Urban wedding
Missed the Katie Holmes / Tom Cruise wedding
Got thrown out of the Liz Hurley / Arun Nayar wedding
Slept through the Aishwarya / Abhishek Bacchan wedding
Did not make it to the Rahul / Shweta wedding.
But darned if I was going to miss the Anupama / Rohit wedding at Cochin.
The other alumni of the 24 GNC brat-pack, Amit, Ronni, Nandini, Rahul and his wife also planned to be there. How could this pervert resist not being there to check out Rahul’s new bride!
Getting to Cochin was an entirely different kettle of fish.
For those of you planning to travel by air, here are some interesting statistics about the Indian airline industry.
This year, Indian carriers will fly a record of 700 million passengers, 23 million frequent-flyer kilometres, each person will sit in an aircraft on the tarmac for an average of 3 hours, and every one of them will pay a different fare.
Airline fares are calculated by the airlines random fare generator, Polly the Fare Parrot, after determining passenger loads, the distance from City A to City B and whether City B has a landing strip, whether the pilot drinks 12-year old scotch or plain beer and the cups of re-useable yoghurt leftover from previous flights.
Nobody eats the yoghurt, my guess is there are airline yoghurt containers still circulating dating back to pre world-war Dakota flights.
Yes, Indian carriers are cutting back on food service as well, but their record of safety is among the highest in the world; the only country with a better flight safety record is Tibet, which has only the one plane and has yet to figure out how to start it.
In accordance with airline procedures,you should always arrive 2 hours before the scheduled departure time so that you can then stand around, visit the loo at least thrice, and be among the first ones to know that your flight has been delayed due to mechanical problems (usually pilot-hangover).
You pass your baggage through the X-ray machine so the guys sitting at the monitor can laugh at the holes in your underwear.
Laptops are allowed on board as cabin baggage, but have to be turned on, to prove it is not a terrorist bomb. Hah! Any eighth grader can tell you that a terrorist can program a bomb-loaded laptop to turn on.
You are also forbidden, on pain of imprisonment, to carry a nail clipper, it can be used as a skyjack weapon.
Of course those stainless steel forks and knives which accompany your tasteless food tray on board Jet Airways do not count – any self respecting terrorist would not be seen dead trying to use THOSE as hijack weapons if he can smuggle a nail clipper on board.
The flight was scheduled to go from Goa to Bangalore and then on to Cochin, but in Bangalore the situation deteriorated further, we sat on the plane for 2 hours before takeoff – they didn’t let us off the plane for fear that we would run away. So we sat listening to our stomachs rumble.
One woman broke down and drank her baby’s formula. Another asked if they had any leftover yoghurt.
We took off, the flight now had to be re-routed via Mangalore to drop off some spares for another grounded flight,(the “official” reason for our delay) our pilot “Captain Kangaroo”, suffering from alcohol withdrawal pangs, banged us down on the runway and I swear the plane bounced… twice. We landed, took off again and landed an hour later in Cochin, where we dropped to our knees and gratefully licked the terminal floor.
Then an hours drive to discover dinner was almost over, but I got to meet the groom Rohit, the gang, and Anu’s Mom and Dad before they went to bed.
Need I mention that both mother and daughter are breathtakingly beautiful, and looked absolutely ethereal & stunning in their gold bordered white saris at the wedding ceremony.
I also met Shreya, the lovely Nandini’s gorgeous school mate.
NO, I’m not going to tell you how handsome and macho I thought Anu’s dad and the groom looked, it was a wedding not Brokeback Mountain.
