Delhi — In ancient times, a Westerner had to journey for months, even years, to reach India. Today, thanks to modern air travel, it takes much longer.
Talk about getting a visitors visa ! And after you fly all the way across the Atlantic I estimate that the plane you are on will fly in circles over Delhi airspace about 3 days before you actually land, since the airfield will first need to be cleared of construction debris, dengue carrying mosquitoes, and the rain-ravaged potholes filled.
But after you have showered, you will be excited to be here for these historic Commonwealth Games, the first ever hosted by this proud and ancient culture, which has given the world so many important inventions, including hockey, algebra, the zero, kabbadi, paan stains, delhi belly, the Taj Mahal, call centres, Mayavati, Bollywood and Deepak Chopra.
But despite its colourful historic past, India is not a bazaar: It is a modern economic superpower that replicates every product ever manufactured in China including pirated DVD’s. India is the world's second most populous nation, with a population of more than 1.2 billion, making it home to one out of every four people on earth. Think about what that means. It means that if you belong to a family of four, one of you lives here. (To find out if it's you, check your ration card.)
The Commonwealth Games are a HUGE deal, be it only for the Indian politician, bureaucrats and A.R.Rehman (motto:Waving My Oscar in Their Faces). There’s corruption money to be milked from every aspect of it, whether it's for buying a 4000 rupee roll of toilet paper, hiring a treadmill for 9.75 lakhs for 45 days instead of buying one from Harrods in London for 7 lakhs (VAT included) or composing a lame theme song (Yaaro India Bula Liya) for 5 crores .
Everywhere you look in this swarming capital city of Delhi, you see vague shapes in the distance that might be large impressive Games structures if you could actually get a good look at them, which you can't because the air is thick with toxic dust particles the size of satiated dog’s ticks. The Delhi government has been trying to reduce air pollution by keeping stray cattle off the roads - thereby threatening the world's strategic supply of “asli ghee” - and ordering Delhi residents to cease swarming during the Games.
But dirt and grime are still a big issue, as evidenced by the controversial decision by the Games Committee to allow vuvuzelas into all games venues to drown out complaints.
Nevertheless, there will be no problems whatsoever during these Games, which will without question be the greatest Games ever held. Why do I say this? I say it because Indian government authorities are closely monitoring journalists and controlling our use of the Internet and Blackberries. They can cause trouble for anyone who writes something they don't like, or mention a topic they want to avoid, such as......
ERROR ERROR ERROR THIS WEB PAGE IS NOT AVAILABLE IF YOU CONTINUE ON THIS SUBJECT YOU MAY DAMAGE YOUR COMPUTER ERROR ERROR ERROR
So the Indian government is a little scary. There are police and plainclothes detectives dressed as beggars stationed roughly every 3 metres throughout Delhi; I'm pretty sure you will find one in your hotel closet.
On the other hand, the regular Delhiite is a wonderful host, unfailingly friendly and helpful. You will need a lot of help though, since most people here speak Hindustani, which is basically a giant secret code that sounds like Hindi designed to prevent non-delhiites from having any idea what the hell is going on. For example, that snack you have just bought from the roadside “dhaba”; do you really know what it is?? Because the only words on the label that you recognize are “International” and "Made in India." I suspect that Indian authorities are watching you on a hidden camera and going, "He's eating it! Ha ha! Tomorrow we will give him battery acid to drink."
Likewise, when you get into a taxi and show the driver a slip of paper helpfully written in Hindi by a hotel employee. You think this writing says, "Please take me to the Red Fort." But it could just as easily say, "I wish to pet a King Cobra."
Fortunately your hotel has English-language TV. Check out the public-service commercial on television that ends with this appeal: "Please, use only Musli Power Xtra, You get more than you can imagine, Official Health Licensee of Commonwealth Games." I pass this along in case you were considering getting lucky.
Your hotel will have Western-style loos. This is a luxury in India, which, while it was busy inventing algebra, defining the Kama Sutra in stone, etc., apparently did not have time to get around to plumbing. You have to carry your own toilet paper, because many public loos here don't have it. Ideally, you would also carry your own toilet, because many loos don't really have that, either. What they have is basically a miniature bathtub in the floor. If I say anything more on this subject I will be spoiling your experience of discovery. A word of wisdom though….do not lean against compound walls or corners of buildings and alleyways.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Overall the Delhiites have done an amazing job of preparing for the Commonwealth Games, and they've gone out of their way to make their visitors feel welcome.
I’m sure you will look forward to attending the Games, and even more to getting to know this fascinating country. So run along now and take a taxi to go see the Red Fort. Or, pet a King Cobra. Whatever that piece of paper says.
