Olympism 2008

THE BEIJING BANDWAGON

The Opening Ceremony
08:00 pm 08/08/2008 – A spectacular opening ceremony. Started on the dot.
Thus far, the awesomest opening ceremony of any Olympics. (or, as the Hindi Doordarshan commentator insisted on pronouncing, “OLUMPICS”.)
To whit it was a spectacle of sound, light and awesome human co-ordination.
Did I say it was awesome? Almost as good as a Bollywood movie - it had a 9 year old girl lip-syncing for a 7 year old singer, it had computer graphics for television broadcasts of fireworks, and it had scripted volunteers filling in empty seats in the stadium as cheerleaders for opposing teams.It made Ram Gopal Varma and Sanjay Leela Bhansali very proud

Here are some specs:
Number of drummers that pounded out the opening countdown : 2,008
Number of fireworks: 33,866 (this does not include some mortar shells that “accidently” fell at the same time on Tibet)
Number of performers and advisors: 22,000
Number of spectators: 91,000
Number of parking spots: 5
Number of television Viewers: 2.3 billion
Number of visits to the bathroom (including beer guzzling tv viewers) during the ceremony: The count was lost after 5 billion 3, 76,000.
Number of Olympic-related TV commercials watched per viewer: 3,786
Number of times a Games TV viewer in Goa will see the “Dancing Beijing” symbol and say, “Oi Patrone, doesn’t that look like Remo in tights?” : 350
Number of political world leaders: 80.
#George Bush when asked if he had come here for the decathlon, typically answered, “No, I’ll just take the regular coffee.”
#Sonia Gandhi noticed the dishevelled, undisciplined, sloppily dressed Indian squad, led by an ex-army officer no-less. She, understanding that they were tired from the long journey to the stadium and the endless practising, and were missing home; rose to the occasion, tucking in her gorgeous silk sari in true "jhadoo wali" style, and waved out to them in empathy. Prompting L.K.Advani to remark,“Well, that puts paid to my harping on her “foreign origin” in the future.
You don't believe me? Then watch the video below. Except that the video bit on Advaniji has been removed as his face not to mention voice, was not considered cute enough for an Olympic performance.


Number of participating countries: 204 (Brunei chickened out)
Number of athletes expected to compete: 10,500
Number of raincoats prepared for the athletes: 10,000 - unfortunately the Sichuan sweatshop shut down due to the earthquake, so the swimmers will not receive any raincoats
Number of Indian athletes: 57, actually 56 since a weightlifter was wantonly dropped at the last minute. She cried copiously and shed 5 kilos..
Number of Officials accompanying the squad: 42. Wonder why? Could be any number of reasons actually....They were there to prevent possible defections to the “other side”; As cheerleaders, like for the IPL; Sania Mirza’s mom was also part of the squad to find an Olympic match for her little girl; There were no weightlifters in the squad, but the weightlifting officials were there to persuade some other team to lift for the Indian side; Then there's the question of satisfying the "Olympic Reservation Quota" requirements. You have to admire the Indian Olympic Committee for efficiently covering all angles. Your taxes are being put to good use.
Number of condom vending machines in the games village: 2, right next to the pirated DVD kiosks.
Number of events competed for: 302 events in 28 sports (no, it does not include kabbadi)
Number of medals to be won: D-uh, do the math!
Number of atoms in Rakhi Sawant’s fingernail: 25 million. I just threw that in there as a statistic.
Money spent on the opening: Just 480 million Yuan – proof that you don’t have to spend a lot of money if you can threaten your citizens with jail time or worse to work for a handful of rice and beans a day.( 1 Yuan= 1 bean and 5 grains of rice)

For more accurate information you can always visit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2008_Summer_Olympics#Participating_NOCs

China Snapshot
- Home to one out of every four people on earth. So if you belong to a family of four, I’m sure one of you is Chinese (check your Ration Card)
– An ancient culture which invented gunpowder, and paper, fireworks, travel agents, Chinese checkers and pirated DVD’s – bootleg copies of the opening ceremony were available 2 weeks earlier in Hong Kong.
– Home of the Great Wall, a man-made object that can be seen almost as clearly from outer space as Mukesh Ambani’s new home “Antilla” in downtown Mumbai.

Security – There are police and army officers everywhere, including one in every athlete’s room closet. Unfortunately, as we now know, this tight security does not extend to accompanying in-laws.

Language – Chinese of course or Mandarin. Get your destination written down by your helpful hotel staff. Show it to your taxi driver. Then look astounded when you figure out by the shrug of his shoulders that he cannot read either.

Toilets – Carry your own bathroom accessories. Since they were so busy inventing gunpowder, they never really got around to plumbing and modern bathrooms. Maybe you can carry your own porta- potty.

Cuisine – For the most part the cuisine there can be described as “Chinese Food”. For Starters try scorpion, snake on a stick, or dog liver.

dog brain soup,for the entree, go on to mixed cow and horse stew,
and top this splendid repast with assorted lizard legs, dung beetles and roasted silk worm soufflé. Yumm!


You will notice however that Chinese people in the markets are buying lamb chops, noodles and chicken dumplings.
The truth is, the Chinese don’t eat scorpions. They feed their reptiles to Olympic visitors. I suspect that the Chinese word for lizard legs when translated actually means “food for foreigners”

Pollution - Not as bad as Vapi, in Gujarat. Although I did think those shapes that looked like tiny polo shaped Olympic rings in the stadium were swarming toxic particles.
There’s really no air-pollution problem here. That’s what it says in the "Beijing Times", the official English-language newspaper of the "Chinese Olympic Committee".

And if one can't trust an official Chinese Committee to be objective about this, who can we trust? George Bush? Pakistan? The Goan Government?
The Beijing Times has run front-page stories stating that the yellowish-gray atmospheric gunk blotting out the sun is merely ''haze.'' OK? So enough nonsense about ''air pollution.''

You need a lot of help here, since most of the writing is in Chinese, which is basically a giant secret code designed to prevent you from having any idea what the hell is going on.

On the other hand the regular Chinese people are wonderful hosts, unfailingly friendly and helpful.
When you arrive at the hotel front desk, it will be staffed by at least 15 people. The great thing about China is : There are always plenty of people around to help.
For example: In some men's rooms, there are attendants whose sole function, as far as one can tell, is to direct you to the toilets. You walk in, and there's a guy, and he makes this gesture toward the toilets, which are roughly 5 steps away, his point being, ''Here are the toilets.''
This happens in Calangute too but mostly they gesture the way to the nearest bar. But unlike in Calangute, you do not tip him in Beijing.

Footnote: Rahul Gandhi was last seen drinking a refreshing beverage; when deciphered the Chinese label read “ BRAKE FLUID”