7th
In New Delhi the Department of Identity Cards unveils a new, improved, unique, identity DNA, blood and stool sample card called "Aadhar Plus".This is such a big hit that Nandan Nilekani, the expert who thought it up, is immediately put to work on developing a policy to deal with the Kashmir issue.
18th
A barge loaded with garbage sets out from the Mandovi under the command of the NIO Director for Exploration, who is seeking to prove his theory that Goa could have been discovered by early mariners from Portugal in crude garbage barges, and maybe we can reverse the trend.
FEBRUARY
11th
Something happened in Egypt. I think a pyramid fell.
Something happened in Egypt. I think a pyramid fell.
15th
In the widening 2G scandal, the heads of three major telecom firms rob a department store.
MARCH
3rd
At the Wagah border, tensions mount as a Pakistani ranger gets his butt kicked by a female BSF jawan for having insulted Salman Khan.
20th
Census 2011 says that India has only 940 females for every 1000 males. So that leaves 60 men who have to take matters into their own hands.
APRIL
1st
Baba Ramdev reveals that he can raise the dead. The manufacturers of Viagra immediately offer to buy him out. To which Swami Agnivesh responds, “Ha! Ha! The joke’s on you.”
Mamata to Sonia," If you call a bunch of chickens a "flock", fish a "school", and cows a "herd" do you know that a group of Baboons, the loudest,most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates is called a "congress?" To which Sonia responds," Ha! Ha! The jokes on you."
15th
The central figure in the Anna Hazare Indian anti-corruption movement, "Lieutenant" Arvind Kejriwal, becomes an instant national folk hero, when, with eyes glistening and voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits before world- wide television and thousands of Jan Lokpal supporters, that he is very patriotic.
MAY
2nd
Osama Bin Ladens five wives, call up US Navy Seals from Pakistan to rescue them, as he refused to let them bathe and worse...did not allow them to go shopping.
15th
Simi Grewal, angered over persistent media reports that she has had extensive plastic surgery, strikes Cyrus Broacha with one of her synthetic hair extensions.
JUNE
21st
Crack detectives in the Finance Ministry in New Delhi begin to suspect that it might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in Pranabda’s office and two chairs and a table say, “Bless You.”
24th
In response to the growing pressure from Lucky Farmhouse a.k.a Atal the drug dealers girlfriend, the Goa Government vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the Cabinet.
JULY
10th
A new policy requiring random drug testing for cricketers runs into problems when over half the spin bowlers are unable to hit the specimen bottle.
13th
In an effort to establish that she is sophisticated and has good taste, Rakhee Sawant offers to woo and wed Baba Ramdev.
19th
Tensions ease at Delhi airport, as a Kingfisher Flight is allowed to refuel and take off for Bangalore, freeing up space for Air India’s planes to be parked as they have a shortage of pilots.
31st
Mickey and Babush file their tax returns.
AUGUST
10th
The IT department sends back their (Mickey and Babush) tax returns, politely pointing out that they’re supposed to fill them out.
13th
Shammi Kapoor ( the original founder of "Yahoo!") goes to the Big Movie Theatre in the Sky.
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| Ladies, ladies! It's NOT Kabab it's Kapoor! |
17th
In the ongoing war against poverty and global depression members of parliament gave themselves a hefty (24-crore) pay and perks raise which included the latest iPad tablet, leading Apple Co. to coin the new slogan, “iPads for unPads”
22nd
Activist and writer Arundati Roy, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, accuses Anna Hazare of being non-secular. To which Kiran Bedi replies, “We respect all denominations, including the 500 and 1000 rupee notes.
SEPTEMBER
6th
True News Item: A train full of commuters travelling from Tirupati to Varanasi went 980 km in the wrong direction before passengers realized what was happening. Congress's Digvijay Singh remarks, “Maybe it saw a snake.”
8th
In WikiLeaks action, Mayavati makes a minister do sit-ups and sends an empty plane to Mumbai to pick up her favourite brand of footwear, but says that Julian Assange should be sent to the Agra mental asylum.
21st
Chidambaram announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of the 2G spectrum in connivance with A.Raja since he was busy granting mining licences to AP and Goa.
23rd
Times Now reporters examine their diaries and discover, to their shock, that Jan 2008 they approved the sale of the 2G spectrum. They are immediately arrested.
OCTOBER
17th
In a press conference the PM when asked by reporters about L.K.Advani’s persistent allegations the he is “out of touch,” responded vigorously: “Yes, I enjoy chicken butter masala.”
21st
In Africa, Libya learns that Muammar Gadaffi is finally dead. After a celebratory dinner the dozen remaining freedom fighters are summarily shot by the military.
26th
In Mumbai Shahrukh Khan releases Ra One, – it flops, and SRK threatens to produce a sequel.
29th
Maruti Motors in Manesar is forced to recall 3000 cars after the strike was called off, after learning that Trade Union Leader Sonu Gujjar, apparently acting on his own used the plants computers to place orders for 50 tonnes of ganja to be concealed in the cars cushions.
30th
The Formula1 Grand Prix in Delhi is won by Mrs.Svetlana Rostok, 85, of Morjim, Bardez driving an 1965 Ambassador with the left indicator on.
NOVEMBER
9th
The SAARC meeting concludes on a triumphant note as External Affairs Ministers Krishna agreed that his Pakistani counterpart Hira Rabbani was “hot”.
11th
L.K.Advani announces on his Rath Yatra that he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister and immediately becomes the BJP front-runner.
12th
Mamata Bannerji announces that SHE doesn’t want to be Prime Minister either.
13th
In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Kingfisher Airlines announces that its flights will operate without engines. “Most of them never take off anyway,” explains a spokesman.
16th
Aishwarya Bachchan has a baby, L’oreal immediately launches a new line of toddler products.
17th
Sushil Kumar, a commoner from Bihar wins 5 crores in Kaun Banega Crorepati by answering the jackpot question, “When will Sachin score his 100th century?”
In the most dramatic Radia-2G testimony known as Barkhagate, Barkha Dutt, played by Preity Zinta, testifies that, as CBI investigators closed in, she and Nira Radia stayed late in their Mumbai studio editing the “Lakshya” film for television.
29th
The public responds with massive displays to reports that a number of totally unsuspecting Congress politicians were cruelly tricked by the US ambassador into believing that retail in FDI was good for the Indian economy.”It was a mistake that anyone could have made,” said a retail middleman, “provided that he had the IQ of a slug.”
DECEMBER
4th
Dev Anand goes to the Big Movie Production House in the Sky, and signs up Shammi Kapoor and Liz Taylor as the male and female leads for his version of "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".
6th
In a pre-parliamentary winter session public relations gambit, designed to show that he is a normal human, Kapil Sibal is interviewed by Arnab of Times Now, who clearly nervous, addresses the Minister as “Sybil.”
11th
Mario Miranda gracefully checked out of Goa and travels on to the great ‘toon factory in the hereafter.
17th
At the ongoing 50th year “Goan-Liberation Ritual”, Sonia Gandhi pledges to consider “Special Status” for the state “with total objectivity” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as Congress President, but also as a former Italian Princess.”
23rd
DGP Aditya Arya gets shunted out of Goa to huge sighs of relief from the underworld. It’s back to business for the rest of the tourist season and the Sunburn festival begins to take on a rosy hue.
24th
The election Commission announces dates for polling in 5 states. Santa Claus is happy that a lot of Christmas goodies will now come out of political coffers.
….and in other news….
with elections in the offing, villagers in UP are wary of poll visits from Rahul Gandhi.”The last time he came he ate our food and slept on our charpoy. It being winter, this time he will also take our blankets and maybe the shirts off our backs”, says a farmer in Aligarh.
31st
Everyone wishes for Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Men. From where I’m standing and as sure as I have faith in the human spirit, nothing’s going to change.
