Pedestrians unite! You have nothing to lose but your lives.

A cabinet minister died on Delhi’s roads the other day. One would think that, at last, there would be more than a knee-jerk reaction by the transport ministry to set in motion programs to educate, prosecute and/or implement rules of the road for the safety of all eligible voters, if not all its citizenry. But, a month later, after all the hoopla and lip service paid to a "great leader" by all and sundry. The roads of this country remain chaotic and unruly, even the one they are proposing to name after him.

Having said that ……….

Here I am representing a vanishing race - The pedestrian.

Now while you cops have been directing traffic in all our big cities, I know more about it than the combined mess of you do. I’ve been dodging it! Why you even have those traffic podiums built up so you won’t get run over yourself, or you stand on either side of the road and wave a traffic wand instead.

That I am here tonight to celebrate my 62^nd birthday, no thanks to you, is owing to a keen eye and a nimble pair of legs. But I know from ongoing experience that one of these days they’ll get me. I’m not as young as I used to be and the close shaves are getting even closer. Why just yesterday I ran into a store and shut the door behind me just to keep a car and its driver from getting me. Another SUV chased me up the porch into a building, what saved me was my jumping into an elevator going up.

When I was younger I could stay on the sidewalk and dodge these fellows with agility. But seeing as sidewalks nowadays are either non-existent or have been encroached by parked cars, illegal gados, message boards, trades-persons, and used for open-air godowns and the like, what choice has the pedestrian but to become another streetwalker.

And now to make up some sort of a game all the roads are being marked up with white lines. If the driver of a car hits you while you are inside those white lines it doesn’t count. He has to come back and run over you again.

Earlier in 1983 when we had Kiran Bedi, there were not near as many people killed as there are now. But there were more people hurt, and these were mostly traffic offenders by Kiran Bedi’s wielding of her police baton, which proves that by having more traffic police only to stop and direct traffic, the driver can finish his victim, whereas in the old days he could only hurt him. And this is what the ministry of roads calls "progress". Maybe they are talking about population control.

Narcotics however have helped the pedestrian a little, as the drivers are afraid to run over just anybody. It might be a Nigerian drug dealer and their tyres could get cut up.

In Delhi they have red and green traffic lights. Green for “GO” and red for “CHECK THAT THERE ARE NO COPS AROUND BEFORE GOING”

Here at the O’ Coqueiro crossing in Porvorim there are also amber lights. I asked a cop what the amber light was for. He thought one of them had faded. I’m guessing the amber light is for old people who were standing there for a long time to start limbering up, then, if they are in good condition, maybe they can make it to the other side.

To better traffic conditions I suggest a few traffic rules for the future:

1)   Allow pedestrians to carry shotguns to intimidate homicidal drivers in return every time they cross the road. For non-violent pedestrians introduce rent-a-cow schemes: This allows a pedestrian to walk a herd across the road for the price of a handful of cattle feed. Reward jaywalkers who cross unhurt.

2)   Make all roads one-way. This ensures that anyone going from Mapusa to Panjim will think twice about driving if he has to return via Bangalore.

3)   Make the price of petrol and diesel equivalent to that of “Fair and Lovely” skin cream in weight, and sell them in tubes over the counter at stores. This will free up tons of space used by petrol bunks across the country, and also make sure car owners buy only what they need.

4)   To cut down on incessant honking, replace all vehicle horns buttons with paid cell phone apps which charge a fee every time the horn is used. Double, if it is used in the vicinity of a hospital or school.

5)    For smooth traffic flow, have a team at every junction confiscate the licence of every driver and return it at the next one, only if he reaches AFTER a certain time limit. This in itself will reduce at least half of the two-wheelers and a third of four-wheelers on the roads.

6)   On Sundays do not allow anyone other than learner drivers on the roads, and then all they can hit is each other. Sell season tickets and open betting booths for pedestrians and tourists to witness this spectacle.

7)   Issue driving licences only to those who understand that road signs and markings are not coloured accessories for road beautification.

8)   Have everybody go North on Mondays, South on Tuesdays and so on. That’s the only way you can make Indian roads safe for democracy.

If we continue with the present state of our roads and traffic in 3 years there will be no pedestrians left, and those homicidal drivers might start targeting traffic cops instead!