Ship Ahoy!

It's a little boat, just 23 stories high,with a displacement of 104,000 tonnes, 1092 feet long and 252 feet wide; a speck in the vast Indian Ocean. It has enough weaponry to turn the Coast of Tamil Nadu to charcoal. Nicknamed "Old Salt", the "USS Nimitz"came to party ,and the party-poopers turned out in droves.

If The Asian Age of 6th July ‘07 is to be believed, the Prime Minister played safe, denying awareness of the visit …just in case someone accused an American sailor of kissing a South Indian actress …and to quote:-
[[‘I didn’t know Nimitz was to visit India’By Seema Mustafa
New Delhi, July 5: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh did not know that the USS Nimitz would be docking at Chennai port. "It was just an ordinary development, I was not even aware of it until I read about it in the newspapers. Too much should not be read into it," he said. US ambassador to India David C. Mulford had said that the USS Nimitz had come to Chennai for rest and recreation on the invitation of the Government of India, but the Prime Minister made it clear that he was not in the loop.]] End quote.

So what does it take to make the PM of this country aware that the biggest, and meanest warship in the world is wagging it's tail at his country’s doorstep?

What if the Captain of the Nimitz pooped out one teeny tiny missile in his direction?

PM: Huh! Wha…. Where did THAT come from?

AIDE: The USS Nimitz Sir

PM: Tell them not to disturb us, Soniaji and I are busy.

AIDE: The Captain says he is on a goodwill visit and requests an audience Sir.

PM: Well delay him, try to organise some protest or the other to see that the ship does not dock.

AIDE: How shall I do that Sir?

PM: Use your imagination, Soniaji and I cannot think of everything.

AIDE: How long should we delay the docking Sir?

PM: See that I am not distracted, this affair of selection of a new President elect is a very delicate matter.

AIDE: Ms. Jayalalithaa says her party can organise a protest, something to do with nuclear contamination from the ship Sir.

PM: Good woman that! Wasn’t she the one who got rid of that forest brigand Veerapan?

AIDE: Yes Sir.

PM: And wasn’t she also responsible for sacking all those Government employees who went on strike and made them write unconditional apology letters before reinstating them? A first for any administration in this country.

AIDE: Yes Sir.

PM: And didn’t she also arrest the Kanchi Acharya for abetting a murder - another first for this country if I recall?

AIDE: Yes Sir. She’s the one

PM: Then I guess SHE is the only one with the "cajones" who can stop this ship? Extend all co-operation and remind me to present her with the Ashoka Award for bravery and valour.

AIDE: But Sir, she is in the opposition!

PM: Oh! Darn! Well I need the time to sort out this Prathiba Patil fiasco, and I have also to word a letter to the PM of Britain about labelling terrorists by nationality or religion especially when they are from India.

AIDE: But Sir, you did not state this when our own media labelled Islamic terrorists coming from Pakistan or Britain. And should we take credit for the likes of Kalpana Chawla, Sunita Williams, Deepak Chopra and Sanjaya Malakar who are actually US citizens?
PM: Arre! You will not understand "realpolitik". Now what about that ship? Tell the Tamil Nadu Government not to try to stop the protests, ask the Left factions also to join in, and stir up those environmental activists, that should take away some of the limelight from Jayalalithaa, and should also give me some time.

AIDE: Yes Sir.

Two hours later.........

AIDE: Excuse me, Sir.

PM: What is it now ?

AIDE: The ship’s Captain says he has a letter of invitation from our government for the visit.

PM: Oh! Dammit!

AIDE: But the good news is that the ship cannot come into Chennai port but has to anchor two nautical miles offshore, and due to bad weather the Captain cannot leave his ship.He sends his regards and regrets that he cannot call on you personally.

PM: Very good. But why so far out?

AIDE: The ship’s doctors have warned about contamination to the ship’s superstructure from the pollution of the air and waters of the Cooum and Adyar rivers and the Buckingham canal sewage mixing with the water in the vicinity of Chennai Port.
PM: Excellent. Send a congratulatory note to the municipal authorities of Chennai for their initiative. Oh! And inform the auto drivers unions that they should charge the sailors fares on par with New York cab drivers. Let’s make the most of this puppy.

AIDE: Yes Sir.

PM: And clean out that missile mess on my doorstep, blame some kashmiri or ULFA terrorist. Now back to the issue of the President Elect, reminds me, I will also have to ask Madam to think about the Vice-Presidency, I wonder if Rabri Devi is free!

.......USS Nimitz, after much hullaballoo, left Indian shores and sailed out after a lot of bilious water had passed under its bridge.

Our scientists determined that they could not distinguish nuclear contamination from polluted waste of the Chennai port and its accompanying sewage. They wondered how they would ever be able to tell if there was a leakage from the Kalpakkam Atomic Power Plant next door.

JAYALALITHAA: We have an atomic power plant in Chennai? Why didn't someone inform me?

The ships doctors however were busy treating sailors suffering from malaria and intestinal disorders, and the ships janitors were concerned at the garbage and scum of pollution sticking to the ships hull, and entangled in the ships propellors.

At the time of writing the ship is in quarantine, and the Captain of the USS Nimitz is dining with the Sultan of Brunei, and egad! and gadzooks!;Pratibha Patil has become the new President of India.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum!