Let's Get Physical.

I signed up to learn how to dance the Salsa with Jason and Sylvia; the hot dancing couple who also have perfect bodies….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJIGHRvIJQg&feature=related

Speaking of which, I have some bad news for all you folks out there. First, the bad news: You CANNOT have a gorgeous body like the one belonging to Sylvia. Sylvia - like that famous actress Kareena Kapoor with the size-zero figure; wears a stretch outfit that, if not occupied by Sylvia, would contract to the size of a deflated party balloon.

In the movies Kareena Kapoor dances around various countries, singing something and posing in colourful figure-hugging costumes. You can’t hear what she’s singing because, when you’re watching Kareena in a particular scene, your brain concentrates and directs the energies of all your nervous systems to your eyes. Anyway the premise is that if you exercise (or in my case, dance) a lot, you will look like Sylvia, or Jason, or one of the hunks dancing with Kareena in the movie.

To this end I have seen a lot of people staggering along NH17, trying to get in shape. I used to think they had the right idea, because, as I discovered when attempting to do the Salsa, I am definitely out of shape.
However walking or jogging, is not the way to go. It is an undisputed scientific fact that jogging kills your brain cells. The Indian army has known this for years; it forces recruits to jog for miles every day until they lose so many brain cells that they’re ready to travel to the distant Siachen Glacier and stand in front of enemy machine-guns.

Neither is body-building. Body-building is for guys with low self-esteem and small packages, said small packages contributing to their low self-esteem. It makes them smear coconut oil all over their bodies, wear a bathing suit no larger than a biggish band-aid, and by exhibiting huge muscles bulging from other visible body parts, try to convince you of their manliness. These guys do not jog. I think they stay indoors lifting large heavy objects because they’re afraid that if they did go out their muscles would lunge and kill innocent pedestrians. However I fear that in addition to the small package issue, body-building also congeals the contents of one’s brain into pasta. But they (the body-builders) do look as if they’re in great shape, which is what’s important.

If L.K Advani had spent his time body-building instead of his rath yatras and voice mails to mobile phones he could have been PM today. Who would have opposed him if he had just stood there, coconut oil shining off his muscles, smiling benevolently at his audience?

Okay! So today we start on a physical-fitness routine to make us slim and attractive like Sylvia and Jason.

I’m kidding of course. Genetics has decided that it is infinitely better for the human race that only a select few can look like Jason and Sylvia, or Kareena and the hunks, and YOU are not one of them.

These chosen few are destined to have kick-ass bodies even if they eat double-cheese pizzas all day, drink buckets of beer and the only exercise they do is pressing the remote button for the television. Others can exercise till they sweat blood and eat nothing but organic sawdust, but they will still have the bodies of Beluga whales.
This is probably a good thing. Think of how dull life would be if we did not have variety in body formats. I mean take crows for instance. They all have perfect dull-grey crow bodies, and I’m sure they find each other boring.

I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you lived in a world where every member of the opposite sex had the same perfect body? Wouldn’t you crave something different? If you were a crow you would maybe, check out a passing pigeon. If you were a male crow you might even make a pass at a passing female vulture despite the fact that she is ten times your size and can tear you from limb to limb.

I rest my case, having proved my point that genetics, in its infinite wisdom, required us to be different. This means that if you are basically a stocky individual, you can workout all you want, and you will still be basically a stocky individual.

But that’s no reason that you should be unfit.
Now, Step One in my physical fitness programme says that you should have a healthy heart. A healthy heart is the key to fitness.
If your heart is healthy, you can still continue to drive around on Indian roads, long after your brain has become senile and your other major organs are wandering around aimlessly with no idea what bodily function they are supposed to perform.
To know if your heart is healthy, first take your pulse.
The way to do this is to drink Bloody Mary’s till you can hear the pounding in your head. That's your pulse, and it should correspond to a number of beats per minute. You can check this by crawling over to the nearest pharmacy and asking for a sphygmomanometer.

You: Hic! Gimme a sphincteramoliter.
Storeperson: A what? We don’t sell those. We sell vegetables.
You: Then whaddyacallthish? Huh? Huh?
Storeperson: We call that a tomato. Are you drunk or something?
You: No way! Can’ you shee I’m trying to check my pulshe here?
Storeperson: With a tomato?? Get out of here, before I call the cops.

Ok, then take a large tomato and top up the level of that last Bloody Mary, then remember to look at the second hand of your wrist watch. Count the number of times your head pounds per minute. If it’s a 2 digit number your heart is healthy.

Start your exercise routine after this by turning on the television and switching to the Yoga programme. Now watch those people in skimpy outfits do their asanas. I said WATCH: on no account should you attempt to do those exercises. After this take your pulse again and get ready to go to work or back to bed.

Now for the REAL reason you should exercise. You need to prepare your body for the aches and pains that happen when you get older. Surprise!! You’re going to get old. No doubt about it. Unless you die first.

Right now you’re young and the only pain you feel is after a heavy night of clubbing at Mambo’s or Cavala’s or Ivy, where you imbibed huge quantities of feni, inhaled other partygoers’ toxic body odours and woke up next morning in Pune. But as you grow older, you come across arthritis, income tax audits, and dental appointments and you need to prepare your body for this pain, which is why you need to exercise now.

Take the Churchill Bros football team, Boxer Vijender Singh or Badminton ace Saina Nehwal. You see them exercising and sweating and hating every second of it and you think: What’s the point? Years from now you will be your struggling to adjust to your aches and pains. They, on the other hand, will be able to endure with less discomfort… unless of course they have committed suicide.

So without further adieu start on that fitness programme today … or buy Baba Ramdev’s Yoga Book and try to read it while standing on your head.