PRINTERS DEVILS ARE PEOPLE TOO ! Now that the Times of India is being printed right here in Goa, on behalf of the Old English Language Newspaper Industry, namely "O Heraldo" and "The Navhind Times" ( mottos “ All the news that’s unfit to print with bad grammar and worse spelling) I am announcing some changes they need to make to serve you better.
When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase their profits.'' Newspapers are very big on profits these days. They’re a business, just like any other business, except that they employ journalists who’ve studied English as a third language. To help you better understand the current situation; let's review the history of newspaper finances:
The earliest known newspaper, mentioned in the Holy Bible was called The Ten Commandments, (literally, the Almighty Orders). The first issue offered coverage of Hebrew politics (''Moses sets fire to bush arrested for arson”); science news (''Woman created from rib of Adam); and an early episode of the comic strip ''Dennis the Menace,'' in which Mr.Wilson tries to avoid paying admission to the Greek Games at the Parthenon by climbing over the wall, and lands on his coccyx.
Unfortunately, The Ten Commandments was not profitable, because every copy had to be entirely hand- chiselled on stone tablets by slaves (called ''scribes''); if a big story broke, a huge, beefy man (the ``Pharisee'') would yell, ''Stop the chisels!'' and whack them with his whip.
The Italians are credited for the idea of newspapers which they called gazzetas derived from gazzera, meaning a magpie or chatterer – the Italians were great gossips.Then in the 1400’s Johannes Gutenberg (literally, '' Ol’ Black Joe since he was covered in printer’s ink '') invented the printing press, which made it possible for a newspaper to cheaply and accurately reproduce every single error thousands of times.
Then came modern newspaper advertising but for which “Surf Excel” and “Fair & Lovely” would not have been household names today. Then came television and the internet with news updates by the minute and ruined the thrill of reading the morning paper while sitting in the john.
Before The Times reared it’s head in Goa, luring innocent Goans with pics of “scantily-clad” females, and the local dailies became poo-slinging monkeys, virtually every village had a locally owned newspaper with a name like The Gomantak Times ,Goa Times, The Daily-Pig-Sticker, which kept the community abreast of local politics (''MLA Attacked by pet rabbit'') as well as national and international issues (''Elvis Presley Alive and Well ''). These were family operations run by people, not concerned about making large profits but more worried about informing the general public about births, deaths and wishing local politicos on their birthdays.
The Times of India however, is owned by a large corporation, which in turn is owned by a larger corporation, and so on, so that today the entire newspaper industry is being controlled by a giant media conglomerate owned by The Times Group, which frankly does not care what your MLA did. What The Times Group cares about is profits. Here at the newspaper offices in Goa, they get hourly phone calls from The Times Group Headquarters.
''Send more profits!'' Headquarters shouts, and slams down the phone.
So the “bottom line” for O Heraldo, The Navhind Times and the others is that they need to cut costs or The Times of India would take away all their readership and they would starve to death, because, except for having learnt English as a 3rd language, they have no other useful skills.
Here are some of the ways of doing this:
RECYCLE STORIES: To avoid the expense of writing a new story, rerunning earlier ones. For example, every day for the next 3 years, run the same story on genocide in Africa (''Africa Genocide Repeats'').
DOWNSIZE: The typical newspaper staff should be reduced to one editor, one managing editor, 12 assistant editors, 36 deputy assistant editors, and one reporter. The editors should spend their days holding meetings to think of new ways to cut costs, while the reporter (who, for budgetary reasons, should not be not allowed to leave the building) looks out the window, in case news occurs in the parking lot.
SPONSORED PRODUCT PLACEMENT: There should be more sentences like this one, from a recent front-page story in "The Goan Rastafarian": ''We are seriously considering the use of nuclear weapons against Pakistan,' stated President Pratibha Patil, who then took a long sip from a refreshing, ice-cold Thums Up.''
FEWER WORDS: Don’t use adjectives, adverbs. Nouns, verbs can communicate storyline. (''Africa Genocide.'' )
FIND ALTERNATIVES: Outsource columns and editing to China.
AND LASTLY CROSS-SELL: Plug the added benefit of how the pages make great bird-cage lining.
