Tuesday Night’s Red and Black hobgoblins from the Clube Nacional Revelry are doing the devil’s dance inside my head……my eyes blur open, my tongue is stuck to the carpet, and I can’t feel my toes. Oh! Ok those aren’t my toes! God is punishing me for having fun.
Since the dawn of Som Ras , first the Gods and then man has been plagued by hangovers. Having pondered the problem of my alcoholic stupor for the last four hours I have finally discovered the solution.
The best and most obvious way to avoid a hangover is not to drink at all, but I think we can all agree that that is not an option so let’s move on.
It’s Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Season is upon us and in order to cure your hangover and repent you must therefore attend church services as quickly as possible. So tear your tongue off the floor, and weave your way to your pew. During the service, pray for hydration. When the collection plate is passed, remove ten rupees and use it to buy aspirin.
On the way stop at a vegetable vendor and buy a bunch of lettuce leaves. Do not eat the lettuce, as they contain dangerous quantities of butt-blasting fibre. Instead arrange the leaves on your head. Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. Try to laugh at yourself. Look at you in your salad hat in the mirror. You look hilarious.
Now make yourself a cocktail. Contrary to popular belief drinking alcohol is not counter productive. That’s why you’re there nursing a headache while I sit poised on the brink of discovering the great hangover cure. A Feni Colada is your best option, as cashew nuts contain healing fats and high levels of salts that will replenish your electrolytes. Electrolytes are essential for good health and are not unlike clean underwear in that you can never have too many.
Time now to exercise. Exercise, particularly jogging, generates powerful endorphins, diminishes nausea and weakness and replaces them with higher-qualities of weakness and nausea. While you are jogging think about all the reasons you got so tanked last night. Your life’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Yes. Run faster now.
Now that you’ve worked out you will have developed the emotional clarity to quit your job, divorce your spouse, adopt a pet python and have meaningless sex with a midget. This set of tasks sounds daunting, but keep in mind that it’s difficult to stay hungover when you’re busy applying for a job as a janitor and training a python to uncoil from around your windpipe.
Finally, it’s time for another drink. This should relieve you of your hangover forever, and leave you with a calming sense of dipsomania and melancholia. If you wake up in the morning with another hangover, don’t sweat it. I’ve discovered a cure and will be happy to reveal it to you in due course. Until then take two aspirin you bought with the money you stole from church, and call your physician in the morning. Cheers.
