Here Lies Indian World Cup Cricket next to Indian World Cup Hockey.It’s been a tragic world cup so far – and it makes me both angry and sad:
“Sluggish Trout” Pakistan were out of the World Cup at the outset losing to “Minnows” Ireland.
Poor Bob Woolmer (May he Rest in Peace & enter the Gates of Cricket Valhalla) was “allegedly” murdered by a bookie or bookies unknown.
“Fatted Whales” India next to be ousted lost out to “Sharks (formerly Minnows)” Sri Lanka not long after their humiliating defeat by “Minnows” Bangla Desh.
Vandals crawled out of their petty-crime gutters, (the Indian Press calls them “Cricket Fans”) to loot and bespoil Cricketers houses. You ladies competing in future Miss World and Miss Universe Competitions – Beware the Indian Miss World and Miss Universe “Fans” back home in your neighbourhood.
True-blue Indian cricket fans died of heart attacks
Ash and Abhishek announced the probable date for their wedding
And Brangelina adopted a Vietnamese orphan - NO WAIT! That’s a good thing!
I’m calling on genuine cricket fans to send e mails to the Indian Minister for Sports urging him to appoint a committee and make up a bulky report for an enquiry commission on the proliferation of “Minnows” in World Cup Cricket and make a representation to the United Nations along with an appeal to ban drug-testing for Indian Sportsmen, and introduce a “reservation” system for 3rd world nations so that we can level the playing field with casteism and steroids.
Sports writers can now put this World Cup behind them once and for all and go back to writing about the topic that really should be on the sports pages: drugs & betting.
Drug testing is very big in sports, no less in cricket. This is because cricket players are role models for young people.
All you young males out there want to grow up and wear diamond ear studs, with unshaven chins. The cricket association does not want you to associate the sport in any way with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.
During televised games remember famous cricketers urging you not to take drugs, and famous ex-cricketers urging you to drink alcohol and party- only on Indian television they called it Kingfisher Club soda, and Bacardi Blast Cassettes & CD’s, ”nudge, nudge, winkety, wink.” Cheers!
(* See actual ad above, Vat 69 - Published: The Navhind Times, Goa. Dated 25th March, 2007)
As for betting, what the Government needs is an innovative new concept for getting money from people, and we can all be grateful that such concepts appear to be oozing over the fiscal horizon at this very moment: Playwin & KBC.
First pass stricter laws that say it is totally illegal for Private Enterprise to operate Games of Chance, Matka and even Bingo or Housie, because they encourage the poor and the stupid to gamble away their money against ludicrously bad odds. Privateers operating such gambling will be thrown in jail.
Next nationalize the Essel Group and Star TV and introduce a Cricket Lottery in Playwin and Kaun Banega Crorepati with even more ludicrous odds. Give them perky names like “Blue Billion Cricketwin”, and “KBC- Jo Phonekarega Woh Jeetaga,” and run cheerful upbeat ads on TV strongly suggesting that the poor and the stupid could make no wiser investment than spending their children’s school fees on Playwin Tickets or Phone Calls to KBC.
A nice touch would be to say that these proceeds will be used to fund humanitarian programmes that have been budgeted for anyway, such as printing Ration Cards and the Railway Time-Table.
Then have one of our Cricketers or BCCI officials dragged in front of the camera to perform the ritual televised daily drawing of the ticket number on Playwin, or to answer the question on KBC as to which team in his opinion will win the 2007 World Cup.
The clear implication is that if viewers do not purchase tickets or make phone calls the Cricketer/Official will be thrown headfirst into the nearest zoos’ lion cage.
Now for the Cricket World Cup 2007 season, I speak for all Indians when I say: Guys give it up and get some women in. To name a few:
Mamta Bannerjee, (opening batsman)
Jayalalitha, (wicket keeper)
Rabri Devi, (spin bowler)
Uma Bharti, (mid- wicket fielder)
And for Captain none other than the versatile Soniaji from the House of Gandhi
Introduce a cheerleading squad with item girls Shilpa Shetty, Mallika Sherawat, Malaika Arora Khan, Yana Gupta, Urmila Matondkar and Shah Rukh Khan to distract the opposing teams and the umpires and there you have it, the perfect recipe for a winning world cup team.
We haven’t won a World Cup since 1983 – and this one’s gone the same way, but take heart, “it’s more important how you play the game- NOT the winning or the losing.” YEAH! RIGHT!
It’s was also about:
Losing 2.4 million dollars.
and most importantly.......
Keeping Ash and Abhishek out of the limelight for more than a whole month.
Now let’s see what kind of action we can expect as a logical aftermath further down this road:
As in previous years we will find that professional cricketers will be paid, win or lose. So it’s “no skin off their noses” an old man phrase which means “WHATEVER! BIG WOP!”.
Sachin takes his “magic bat” and gets on with being a comic-book superhero.
The rest of the team applies for jobs with Anchor Switches.
TATASKY is despondent about not being able to sell as many DTH TV units, but the focus now is on Village Kabaddi Teams for rural access.
Pepsi plans to launch another asinine “Pepsi Blue” in a “Gold Billion” Campaign for the Indian Commonwealth Games Team.
Mandira Bedi sits next to her phone waiting for the call to host the after game show – in Bangla Desh.
Siddhu has put his euphemisms back into cold storage.
TV networks are looking to ex-players and umpires, preferably white with an unidentifiable accent, to provide helpful expert analysis utilizing technological wizardry like the “electronic chalkboard” to make simple runs seem like nuclear physics, to discover where the Indian team went wrong.
Vandals crawled out of their petty-crime gutters, (the Indian Press calls them “Cricket Fans”) to loot and bespoil Cricketers houses. You ladies competing in future Miss World and Miss Universe Competitions – Beware the Indian Miss World and Miss Universe “Fans” back home in your neighbourhood.
True-blue Indian cricket fans died of heart attacks
Ash and Abhishek announced the probable date for their wedding
And Brangelina adopted a Vietnamese orphan - NO WAIT! That’s a good thing!
I’m calling on genuine cricket fans to send e mails to the Indian Minister for Sports urging him to appoint a committee and make up a bulky report for an enquiry commission on the proliferation of “Minnows” in World Cup Cricket and make a representation to the United Nations along with an appeal to ban drug-testing for Indian Sportsmen, and introduce a “reservation” system for 3rd world nations so that we can level the playing field with casteism and steroids.
Sports writers can now put this World Cup behind them once and for all and go back to writing about the topic that really should be on the sports pages: drugs & betting.
Drug testing is very big in sports, no less in cricket. This is because cricket players are role models for young people.
All you young males out there want to grow up and wear diamond ear studs, with unshaven chins. The cricket association does not want you to associate the sport in any way with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.
During televised games remember famous cricketers urging you not to take drugs, and famous ex-cricketers urging you to drink alcohol and party- only on Indian television they called it Kingfisher Club soda, and Bacardi Blast Cassettes & CD’s, ”nudge, nudge, winkety, wink.” Cheers!
(* See actual ad above, Vat 69 - Published: The Navhind Times, Goa. Dated 25th March, 2007)
As for betting, what the Government needs is an innovative new concept for getting money from people, and we can all be grateful that such concepts appear to be oozing over the fiscal horizon at this very moment: Playwin & KBC.
First pass stricter laws that say it is totally illegal for Private Enterprise to operate Games of Chance, Matka and even Bingo or Housie, because they encourage the poor and the stupid to gamble away their money against ludicrously bad odds. Privateers operating such gambling will be thrown in jail.
Next nationalize the Essel Group and Star TV and introduce a Cricket Lottery in Playwin and Kaun Banega Crorepati with even more ludicrous odds. Give them perky names like “Blue Billion Cricketwin”, and “KBC- Jo Phonekarega Woh Jeetaga,” and run cheerful upbeat ads on TV strongly suggesting that the poor and the stupid could make no wiser investment than spending their children’s school fees on Playwin Tickets or Phone Calls to KBC.
A nice touch would be to say that these proceeds will be used to fund humanitarian programmes that have been budgeted for anyway, such as printing Ration Cards and the Railway Time-Table.
Then have one of our Cricketers or BCCI officials dragged in front of the camera to perform the ritual televised daily drawing of the ticket number on Playwin, or to answer the question on KBC as to which team in his opinion will win the 2007 World Cup.
The clear implication is that if viewers do not purchase tickets or make phone calls the Cricketer/Official will be thrown headfirst into the nearest zoos’ lion cage.
Now for the Cricket World Cup 2007 season, I speak for all Indians when I say: Guys give it up and get some women in. To name a few:
Mamta Bannerjee, (opening batsman)
Jayalalitha, (wicket keeper)
Rabri Devi, (spin bowler)
Uma Bharti, (mid- wicket fielder)
And for Captain none other than the versatile Soniaji from the House of Gandhi
Introduce a cheerleading squad with item girls Shilpa Shetty, Mallika Sherawat, Malaika Arora Khan, Yana Gupta, Urmila Matondkar and Shah Rukh Khan to distract the opposing teams and the umpires and there you have it, the perfect recipe for a winning world cup team.
We haven’t won a World Cup since 1983 – and this one’s gone the same way, but take heart, “it’s more important how you play the game- NOT the winning or the losing.” YEAH! RIGHT!
It’s was also about:
Losing 2.4 million dollars.
and most importantly.......
Keeping Ash and Abhishek out of the limelight for more than a whole month.
Now let’s see what kind of action we can expect as a logical aftermath further down this road:
As in previous years we will find that professional cricketers will be paid, win or lose. So it’s “no skin off their noses” an old man phrase which means “WHATEVER! BIG WOP!”.
Sachin takes his “magic bat” and gets on with being a comic-book superhero.
The rest of the team applies for jobs with Anchor Switches.
TATASKY is despondent about not being able to sell as many DTH TV units, but the focus now is on Village Kabaddi Teams for rural access.
Pepsi plans to launch another asinine “Pepsi Blue” in a “Gold Billion” Campaign for the Indian Commonwealth Games Team.
Mandira Bedi sits next to her phone waiting for the call to host the after game show – in Bangla Desh.
Siddhu has put his euphemisms back into cold storage.
TV networks are looking to ex-players and umpires, preferably white with an unidentifiable accent, to provide helpful expert analysis utilizing technological wizardry like the “electronic chalkboard” to make simple runs seem like nuclear physics, to discover where the Indian team went wrong.
Losing to Bangla Desh!! Don’t forget to wear your silk burkhas before you get on the flight home with your duty-free purchases.
(**see Authors Artistic Impression above of returning Cricket Squad)
Well so much for my Review of the Willow. Call me insecure if you wish, but I am deeply troubled that we may have to import those burkhas from Bangla Desh.
