Bharathiyanaris*: Save Indian Culture, Stay Indoors !
Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ''Those individuals should be on medication.''
Today I want to tell you about such a person, B.S.Yeddy-something-or-other, from Bangalore (No,I don’t really know what the B.S. stands for), who has come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Save Indian Culture Day. As the name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would try to save Indian Culture. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.
Yeddy came up with this idea a few years ago. Just before going on one of his many “Yatras” for which he was almost nominated for an Oscar, he was playing kabbadi**, and, as so often happens, began talking about kabbadi being an Indian cultural sport. And then while auditioning for the role of Slumdog... and looking at a slice of really mouldy roti*** that he had to eat in a scene, it struck him: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY saves Indian Culture? He decided that the logical day would be Jan 24, because that -- as you are no doubt aware -- is the day Yeddy launched his “ Save Grama Rajya” march for the farmers, along with the “Save Cauvery” march.
Since then, Yeddy has made a near-superhuman effort to promote Save Indian Culture Day. As he puts it: ``I've talked against pub culture like a moron, and encouraged my several friends to join, on every Jan 24, except for a couple where I forgot.''
And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Save Indian Culture Day. In desperation, he turned to Mutha Lick of the "Sri Ram Army" (not to be confused with the Indian Army, which is a "Save the Indian Borders" force) for help. As an influential goon, Mutha had the power to ''make or break'' a national day. You may recall that almost nobody celebrated December 6th as Ayodhya Day until Advani brought down the Babri Masjid.
So Mutha Lick decided to throw his full support behind Save Indian Culture Day, to be observed this Jan 24. To help promote this important cause, Yeddy decided to seek the endorsement of another famous celebrity from the “taking money while promising official favours” stable Ashok Get-a-lot and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Ashok, Raj Thuggery, Ramalinga Raju, Col. Purohit, Swami Sadhvi, the Afghan Taliban, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler and Anbumani Ramadoss: people who I hoped would read this have all become big supporters. I see no need to recruit Diggu Kamath, because he already talks funny, as we can see from this transcript of a recent Government press conference:
REPORTER: Could you please explain either your policy on Regional Plan 2021 or SEZ's ?
Diggu : Ummm Uhhhh .
To prepare for Save Indian Culture Day, you should practice incorporating cultural terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:
KUMAR: Hi, Sachin.
SACHIN: Hi, Kumar. Have you had a chance to look at the Batliwala file?
KUMAR: Yes, and I have some suggestions.
SACHIN: OK, I'll review them.
Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Save Indian Culture Day:
KUMAR: Bharath Mata ki Jai**** Sachin.
SACHIN: Pranaam and Jai ho Kumar, I'm in such a foul mood today. It's the weekend and I have not found a girl, even an ugly one, who has the slightest interest in me.
KUMAR: Maybe it's your bad breath or your body odour, or the fact that you have dirt under your fingernails. Shall we go out to the pub and beat up some Indian youth and molest their girlfriends to satisfy our loser frustrations. Maybe that will make you feel all better and relieved.
SASHA: Absolutely. But let’s call Mutha Lick and his boys, the more the merrier, no?? If only the two of us go the girls themselves will be able to beat us up. Besides it’s Save Indian Culture Day, that's as good an excuse as any for mauling women. Ask the Taliban.
As you can see, talking like a cultured Indian will infuse your everyday conversations with spirituality and confidence. So join the movement! On Jan24, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Bharat Mata ki Jai!'' If the caller objects that he is not an Indian, inform him that he is a "bad word"mangy dog (or, if the caller is female, a "bad word" mangy female dog) who will be roundly abused, beaten and molested.
But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, my compatriots, should be part of it. Join us again on Jan. 24 next year. You HAVE the frustrated goons, darn it: Don't be afraid to let them loose! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement, (like electoral reform, or Bingo Mad Angles*****), that sweeps the pubs of the nation, or wherever Indian women and men congregate, in parks or in movie halls, even in zoos, I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.
But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have guns.
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Legend:
*Bharatiyanaris: What young nubile Indian women are referred to snidely in speeches by lecherous politicians.
***Mouldy Roti: Bread or Chapatti that when left out too long develops more culture than all political parties combined.
****Bharat Mata ki jai: Clarion call for Indian independence during the British Raj, now used to condone vandalism - a reference to India as our mother (female) was ironically used when molesting women in the Mangalore pub.
***** Bingo Mad Angles: a triangular titbit that comes in hermetically-sealed packets, goes well with draught beer.
