Smoke get's in your eyes - No More !Congratulations Mr. Health Minister, I’m sure there’s a Bharat Ratna in there for you somewhere, given the zealousness with which you’ve pursued and now castigate smokers in India everywhere with your ban on smoking in public places.
Don’t get me wrong like the basic theories of Karl Marx and the tenets of Communism; this in itself is a good, nay a path-breaking precept.
Here’s the problem though: I-M-P-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-T-I-O-N.
As a ranking national opinion-maker, I tried to do my part to get people to stop smoking cigarettes. Was I successful? Nope. Why? Because people are not inclined to take advice from former chain-smokers.
Yes, I confess, mea culpa, I was an addict. My first cigarette was a Cool (mentholated with an activated- carbon filter, whatever that was). Think of it! Activated- carbon filter! No way could you get cancer from a cigarette like that!
Ramesh Tamakuwala gave it to me one day behind the garage at the fag-end (sic) of my summer hols. Words cannot describe how cool, macho and mature I felt, inhaling the smoke, then exhaling it, then inhaling, then exhaling, then -- in a major display of mature macho-coolness -- lying down in the dirt and puking for the next two hours.
That was my body's way of telling me that it personally did not care for a fag. But I did not listen to my body: I was determined to become a smoker. My reasoning was the same then as it is for teenagers today: Girls go for cool guys who smoke.
Take Superstar Rajnikant and his cigarette-flip-into-the-mouth trick which made the girls go, “Wow! What a man!” or the Japanese version which went something like this, “Sugoi desu ne! Ano otoko no hito!”
I’m not kidding; Rajnikant has a huge babe following in Japan.
There’s a whole bunch of people very happy with the ban and a whole other bunch who wish the Hon’ble Health Minister had never been born. To wit: (ye olde expression which means “that is to say”)
Happy: Mr. Anbumani Ramadoss – But of course! He has assured himself a place in the history books at the very least.
Unhappy: The Chain-smoker – “Dammit it’s hot/ cold out here in the road. Hmm, never really noticed the flavor of those bus fumes before.”
Happy: The local beat cop - Rubbing his hands in glee, “I thank the Honourable Health Minister for the ban. Now I can earn the same mamool as the traffic policeman.”
Unhappy: “There goes my Food and Beverage revenues. Unless…. he he ,…unless we call the whole restaurant a smoking area except for those two tables at the back next to the kitchen.”
Happy: The Municipal Transport Department – “Hah! Good thing. Now they cannot pin-point that the pollution on roads is due to our buses and trucks.”
Of course, young smokers starting out today have years to go before you reach that level of macho-coolness and maturity that I reached when I kicked the habit and now announce to the world, “Been There, Done That.” Meanwhile, I'm sure you don't want to hear any lectures from the likes of me.
Don’t get me wrong like the basic theories of Karl Marx and the tenets of Communism; this in itself is a good, nay a path-breaking precept.
Here’s the problem though: I-M-P-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-T-I-O-N.
As a ranking national opinion-maker, I tried to do my part to get people to stop smoking cigarettes. Was I successful? Nope. Why? Because people are not inclined to take advice from former chain-smokers.
Yes, I confess, mea culpa, I was an addict. My first cigarette was a Cool (mentholated with an activated- carbon filter, whatever that was). Think of it! Activated- carbon filter! No way could you get cancer from a cigarette like that!
Ramesh Tamakuwala gave it to me one day behind the garage at the fag-end (sic) of my summer hols. Words cannot describe how cool, macho and mature I felt, inhaling the smoke, then exhaling it, then inhaling, then exhaling, then -- in a major display of mature macho-coolness -- lying down in the dirt and puking for the next two hours.
That was my body's way of telling me that it personally did not care for a fag. But I did not listen to my body: I was determined to become a smoker. My reasoning was the same then as it is for teenagers today: Girls go for cool guys who smoke.
Take Superstar Rajnikant and his cigarette-flip-into-the-mouth trick which made the girls go, “Wow! What a man!” or the Japanese version which went something like this, “Sugoi desu ne! Ano otoko no hito!”
I’m not kidding; Rajnikant has a huge babe following in Japan.
There’s a whole bunch of people very happy with the ban and a whole other bunch who wish the Hon’ble Health Minister had never been born. To wit: (ye olde expression which means “that is to say”)
Happy: Mr. Anbumani Ramadoss – But of course! He has assured himself a place in the history books at the very least.
Unhappy: The Chain-smoker – “Dammit it’s hot/ cold out here in the road. Hmm, never really noticed the flavor of those bus fumes before.”
Happy: The local beat cop - Rubbing his hands in glee, “I thank the Honourable Health Minister for the ban. Now I can earn the same mamool as the traffic policeman.”
Unhappy: “There goes my Food and Beverage revenues. Unless…. he he ,…unless we call the whole restaurant a smoking area except for those two tables at the back next to the kitchen.”
Happy: The Municipal Transport Department – “Hah! Good thing. Now they cannot pin-point that the pollution on roads is due to our buses and trucks.”
Unhappy: The Indian soldier lighting up on the Siachen glacier
Happy: Pakistani General on the glacier – “Be alert men. Indian soldiers will now be lighting up outdoors making them easy night-time targets for sniper fire.”
Unhappy: Walkers and joggers have cordoned off corridors in malls, airports and train stations for their daily constitutional as the open roads, parks and beaches are crammed with smokers and smouldering cigarette butts.
Unhappy: Municipal workers now demanding more wages and better health plans for cleaning up hazardous smoker waste from the roads and sidewalks (what sidewalks?) However this could become a windfall in terms of “hardship allowance.”
Unhappy: Health Authorities concerned that carcinogenic substances will now be found in seafood since there are more people puffing on the beaches, and throwing their butts into the sea.
Unhappy: Temple and Church priests worried that the smoke from agarbattis or incense may be mistaken for cigarette smoke and fines will have to be paid out of the collections.
Unhappy: Cigarette manufacturers – Their new marketing strategy: “A bottle of Scotch with every carton of cigarettes delivered free to your doorstep.”
Unhappy: The Central Revenue and Excise Departments – “ Now cigarette production will drop. There will be other pressures to increase tax revenues, can we tax breathable air? ”.
Unhappy: China is unhappy, I don’t know why but I suspect it’s got more to do with the US-India civilian nuclear agreement than the smoking ban.
From the above sample poll, as one can see, if one can count, there are more unhappy persons than happy persons. Case closed! Let's light up! That's what I did, that first time, even after hawking out my insides, and I eventually reached the point where not only did I learn to inhale smoke, and exhale it through my nostrils, but I actually needed them so badly that if I ran out of my own, late on a rainy night, I would root around in the ashtray and dustbin and smoke stale, stinking, saliva-ridden butts discarded by alcoholics I didn't even like.
Smoking Cons: It's a repulsive addiction that slowly but surely turns you into a gasping, gray-skinned, impotent, cancerous corpse- like creature, hacking up yellow gobs of toxic waste from your insides, and breathing through a tube…..
Smoking Pros: Other folk are doing it and it goes well with Chicken Kababs and Beer, but not necessarily in that order.
Happy: Pakistani General on the glacier – “Be alert men. Indian soldiers will now be lighting up outdoors making them easy night-time targets for sniper fire.”
Unhappy: Walkers and joggers have cordoned off corridors in malls, airports and train stations for their daily constitutional as the open roads, parks and beaches are crammed with smokers and smouldering cigarette butts.
Unhappy: Municipal workers now demanding more wages and better health plans for cleaning up hazardous smoker waste from the roads and sidewalks (what sidewalks?) However this could become a windfall in terms of “hardship allowance.”
Unhappy: Health Authorities concerned that carcinogenic substances will now be found in seafood since there are more people puffing on the beaches, and throwing their butts into the sea.
Unhappy: Temple and Church priests worried that the smoke from agarbattis or incense may be mistaken for cigarette smoke and fines will have to be paid out of the collections.
Unhappy: Cigarette manufacturers – Their new marketing strategy: “A bottle of Scotch with every carton of cigarettes delivered free to your doorstep.”
Unhappy: The Central Revenue and Excise Departments – “ Now cigarette production will drop. There will be other pressures to increase tax revenues, can we tax breathable air? ”.
Unhappy: China is unhappy, I don’t know why but I suspect it’s got more to do with the US-India civilian nuclear agreement than the smoking ban.
From the above sample poll, as one can see, if one can count, there are more unhappy persons than happy persons. Case closed! Let's light up! That's what I did, that first time, even after hawking out my insides, and I eventually reached the point where not only did I learn to inhale smoke, and exhale it through my nostrils, but I actually needed them so badly that if I ran out of my own, late on a rainy night, I would root around in the ashtray and dustbin and smoke stale, stinking, saliva-ridden butts discarded by alcoholics I didn't even like.
Smoking Cons: It's a repulsive addiction that slowly but surely turns you into a gasping, gray-skinned, impotent, cancerous corpse- like creature, hacking up yellow gobs of toxic waste from your insides, and breathing through a tube…..
Smoking Pros: Other folk are doing it and it goes well with Chicken Kababs and Beer, but not necessarily in that order.
Of course, young smokers starting out today have years to go before you reach that level of macho-coolness and maturity that I reached when I kicked the habit and now announce to the world, “Been There, Done That.” Meanwhile, I'm sure you don't want to hear any lectures from the likes of me.
But all-in-all it’s a good plan. Darn the lights have gone out, “Can someone light a match, please!” “Oops I forgot they’re not allowed to keep matches in case someone borrows it to light his fag.”
In our next episode we will discuss the ban on … “Spitting and Peeing in Public Places and their implementation”
And finally...........
