Sounds Easy doesn’t it
Nishant and Jyotsna were never told by their parents where babies came from but they found out anyway. They’ve just become the proud parents of a bonny wee lass.
Babies are back in fashion today. Before the advent of the Internet couples would rather have played tennis. However, given that everything moves and changes so fast in this day and age, a game of tennis takes forever to finish.
So babies are back in fashion and the Bhagats decided to create a tiny human being capable of excreting stuff in large volumes from a lot of orifices simultaneously.
Uh oh no one said I had to be there !
Let me tell you it wasn’t easy for Nishant. Back in the days when their parents had kids there were a different set of rules – the woman went through labor in the delivery room; the man smoked and distributed mitthai.?”
Today in the spirit of involvement and playing a responsible role in the pregnancy both parents meet the doctor, attend pre-natal classes, and the male is supposed to provide moral support in appreciation of his mate carrying the child to full term, by giving up attending cricket matches and visits to the local pub.
At the end of the classes they showed a film to all the attending couples – of course Jyotsna had to drive them back home afterward.
When D-day arrived Jyotsna practiced breathing steadily, imagining she was floating in space to help her relax. Nishant, right there with her in the delivery room, ended up breathing shallowly, imagining he was lying on the floor, because he WAS on the floor.
Breast milk: The next big thing in cooking?
The best advice I can give the deliriously happy couple on raising this baby is … DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS, LOOK HOW YOU TURNED OUT!
Listen to me instead when I say that there is not very much to looking after a baby if you know about the 3 phases that they seem to get into i.e.
1) Crying
2) Stopped Crying and...
3) Pooping.
Your endeavour will always be to ensure that the baby is in phase 2 as often as possible. And be warned; although it seems easy at first, changing nappies becomes traumatic once nature decides to add odour to the baby’s poop.
You must know why babies tend to end up crying and the reason your baby cries is:
A) It is hungry
B) Dozens of other reasons.
If it is hungry I would suggest breast-feeding your baby. Why? Because this is good for the baby and because only the woman can do it so that the man need not get up in the middle of the night and can sleep soundly. HAH! Wrong. Don’t you men know the rules have changed? You better get up with her at all hours and provide the moral support or else….!
If you have fed your baby and it still cries there could be any number of reasons – you could try passing it back and forth from mother to father and ask the timeless question, “ I wonder what’s wrong?”
Or you can try making funny faces and unintelligible sounds at the baby; this will prove to the baby that its parents are deranged.
But if your baby could talk then it would tell you to “TURN THAT LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC DOWN!”
If all else fails then you will have to try discipline. Forget all that insane psychology about the delicate emotional needs of babies. Babies have only one need and that is to drool.
You will discover this about six days down the line after enormous amounts of baby drool has covered practically every inch of your clothes and the furniture.
Actually babies think that the sole function of you as parents is to provide objects for them to drool on.
Babies are actually weighed down by enormous drool glands that make up about 80% of their body weight right upto the time when they figure that they can also get stuff into their mouths.
And that’s when you go out and buy them meaningful educational plastic toys to play with.
You must buy several of these in different shapes and sizes; they help your baby acquire problem-solving techniques such as how to get as many pieces as possible into its mouth.
But beware beyond a certain age this is dangerous.
If you allow your baby to continue to put things into its mouth it could be detrimental later in its life.
Imagine your child going for a job interview with a Fortune 500 company and ending up putting the ashtrays and flower vases into its mouth. That makes for a really poor impression and your child could end up working for the Panjim Municipal Corporation on daily wage.
Whew I guess that’s over… haha just kidding !
It never ends.As a parent you need to discipline your child. When your child is older (about 3 months) you must turn to him/her firmly and say, “If you do not stop putting those things in your mouth I am going to take away your i-phone.”
If that does not work then you will have to occupy the child with more meaningful activities such as:
The Chicken Dance: Placing the kid on your shoulders hop around the room flapping your arms and clucking like a hen that just laid an egg.
The Airplane: Lie on your back holding the kid over you and make like it’s a big airplane about to land on your stomach while circling around up and down.
After you wipe off whatever the kid throws up on you with a wet towelette, go on to ….
The Hungry Dinosaur: Lay the kid on the floor and pretend to eat its toes then its legs then its stomach while going “Yum Yum Tasty Tasty” all the time. This will teach the kid a very important lesson, mainly that the world is full of idiots.
After the breast-feeding phase comes the solid food eating phase –
Your baby will give you clear signs when he's ready to move beyond liquid-only nourishment.
Cues to look for include:
• Head control. Your baby will stop bobbing its head about like Yoda in Star Wars; will look you straight in the eye and say, “I wanna pizza with fries.”
Babies hate the mush that passes for baby food. They would rather graduate straight to Pasta and Beer.
If you did this you can have a fully-grown productive baby in a matter of weeks.
• Losing the "extrusion reflex." To keep solid food in its mouth and then swallow it, your baby needs to stop using its tongue to push food out of its mouth. Since the baby usually has its mouth full of other objects like educational toys, babies tend to not eat solid foods with their mouths. They instead seem to absorb food through their chins. I highly recommend smearing food on babies’ chins and not trying to force-feed them through their mouths. This will save them the effort of trying to expel the food back onto their chins and will also make for less cranky and happier babies.
It will also save answering the time-worn question that parents ask each other later on in life, “Where did we go wrong?"
Nishant and Jyotsna were never told by their parents where babies came from but they found out anyway. They’ve just become the proud parents of a bonny wee lass.
Babies are back in fashion today. Before the advent of the Internet couples would rather have played tennis. However, given that everything moves and changes so fast in this day and age, a game of tennis takes forever to finish.
So babies are back in fashion and the Bhagats decided to create a tiny human being capable of excreting stuff in large volumes from a lot of orifices simultaneously.
Uh oh no one said I had to be there !
Let me tell you it wasn’t easy for Nishant. Back in the days when their parents had kids there were a different set of rules – the woman went through labor in the delivery room; the man smoked and distributed mitthai.?”
Today in the spirit of involvement and playing a responsible role in the pregnancy both parents meet the doctor, attend pre-natal classes, and the male is supposed to provide moral support in appreciation of his mate carrying the child to full term, by giving up attending cricket matches and visits to the local pub.
At the end of the classes they showed a film to all the attending couples – of course Jyotsna had to drive them back home afterward.
When D-day arrived Jyotsna practiced breathing steadily, imagining she was floating in space to help her relax. Nishant, right there with her in the delivery room, ended up breathing shallowly, imagining he was lying on the floor, because he WAS on the floor.
Breast milk: The next big thing in cooking?
The best advice I can give the deliriously happy couple on raising this baby is … DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS, LOOK HOW YOU TURNED OUT!
Listen to me instead when I say that there is not very much to looking after a baby if you know about the 3 phases that they seem to get into i.e.
1) Crying
2) Stopped Crying and...
3) Pooping.
Your endeavour will always be to ensure that the baby is in phase 2 as often as possible. And be warned; although it seems easy at first, changing nappies becomes traumatic once nature decides to add odour to the baby’s poop.
You must know why babies tend to end up crying and the reason your baby cries is:
A) It is hungry
B) Dozens of other reasons.
If it is hungry I would suggest breast-feeding your baby. Why? Because this is good for the baby and because only the woman can do it so that the man need not get up in the middle of the night and can sleep soundly. HAH! Wrong. Don’t you men know the rules have changed? You better get up with her at all hours and provide the moral support or else….!
If you have fed your baby and it still cries there could be any number of reasons – you could try passing it back and forth from mother to father and ask the timeless question, “ I wonder what’s wrong?”
Or you can try making funny faces and unintelligible sounds at the baby; this will prove to the baby that its parents are deranged.
But if your baby could talk then it would tell you to “TURN THAT LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC DOWN!”
If all else fails then you will have to try discipline. Forget all that insane psychology about the delicate emotional needs of babies. Babies have only one need and that is to drool.
You will discover this about six days down the line after enormous amounts of baby drool has covered practically every inch of your clothes and the furniture.
Actually babies think that the sole function of you as parents is to provide objects for them to drool on.
Babies are actually weighed down by enormous drool glands that make up about 80% of their body weight right upto the time when they figure that they can also get stuff into their mouths.
And that’s when you go out and buy them meaningful educational plastic toys to play with.
You must buy several of these in different shapes and sizes; they help your baby acquire problem-solving techniques such as how to get as many pieces as possible into its mouth.
But beware beyond a certain age this is dangerous.
If you allow your baby to continue to put things into its mouth it could be detrimental later in its life.
Imagine your child going for a job interview with a Fortune 500 company and ending up putting the ashtrays and flower vases into its mouth. That makes for a really poor impression and your child could end up working for the Panjim Municipal Corporation on daily wage.
Whew I guess that’s over… haha just kidding !
It never ends.As a parent you need to discipline your child. When your child is older (about 3 months) you must turn to him/her firmly and say, “If you do not stop putting those things in your mouth I am going to take away your i-phone.”
If that does not work then you will have to occupy the child with more meaningful activities such as:
The Chicken Dance: Placing the kid on your shoulders hop around the room flapping your arms and clucking like a hen that just laid an egg.
The Airplane: Lie on your back holding the kid over you and make like it’s a big airplane about to land on your stomach while circling around up and down.
After you wipe off whatever the kid throws up on you with a wet towelette, go on to ….
The Hungry Dinosaur: Lay the kid on the floor and pretend to eat its toes then its legs then its stomach while going “Yum Yum Tasty Tasty” all the time. This will teach the kid a very important lesson, mainly that the world is full of idiots.
After the breast-feeding phase comes the solid food eating phase –
Your baby will give you clear signs when he's ready to move beyond liquid-only nourishment.
Cues to look for include:
• Head control. Your baby will stop bobbing its head about like Yoda in Star Wars; will look you straight in the eye and say, “I wanna pizza with fries.”
Babies hate the mush that passes for baby food. They would rather graduate straight to Pasta and Beer.
If you did this you can have a fully-grown productive baby in a matter of weeks.
• Losing the "extrusion reflex." To keep solid food in its mouth and then swallow it, your baby needs to stop using its tongue to push food out of its mouth. Since the baby usually has its mouth full of other objects like educational toys, babies tend to not eat solid foods with their mouths. They instead seem to absorb food through their chins. I highly recommend smearing food on babies’ chins and not trying to force-feed them through their mouths. This will save them the effort of trying to expel the food back onto their chins and will also make for less cranky and happier babies.
It will also save answering the time-worn question that parents ask each other later on in life, “Where did we go wrong?"
