Q: Manmohan Singhji, outgoing administrations have been known to play pranks on incoming administrations. Do you think that the current administration might do something like, say, start a war or two, trash the economy, tear up the Constitution and rearrange the words to make dirty limericks about Subhash Chandra Bose, immature stuff like that?
A: Wait until you see what they're going to do with India Gate.
Q: You say that if your are elected P.M. once again you will revive the economy in 100 days, what were you doing all these past years and even now as PM?
A: Arre! Do you have any idea of the time and effort involved in washing all my turbans and kacchhas getting ready for THIS election?
Q: You also say you are going to get back the black money salted away in tax havens abroad, how do you propose to do that?
A: I will declare a war against black money and tax havens and proceed in the same manner as the war against terrorism.
Q: Following your election victory, how will we be able to distinguish the celebratory gunfire and rioting in Delhi from the routine gunfire and rioting?
A: My people will be using special festive orange, white and green tracer bullets.
Q: I know you were on a flight with Muthalik. As P.M., will you allow him to pressure you into supporting all the horrible creatures that apparently reside in Mangalore?
A: I can't believe anybody still lives there, after all the unexplained violence. ("Unexplained Violence" would be a good name for a Bollywood movie.)
Q: There's been a lot of talk about the battle for middle-class blue-collar voters. What kinds of apparel are you trying to reach?
A: Pink Chaddi voters.
Q: There are thousands of automobile accidents every year involving stray cattle. Do all those cattle have driving licences?
A: Of course. AND they vote.
Q: Is it the hot weather that is responsible for the shrinkage of your GDP?
A: I plan to see my doctor if it lasts longer than four hours.
Q: Given the long time that early voters have to spend standing in line, do you expect a big movement from voters late in the day?
A: A lot of them are casting votes while they're still waiting to vote, if you get my drift.
Q: As P.M., what measures will you take to ensure that you are never seen in public with your pants unzipped?
A: I ALWAYS wear an ajkhan over my pants, haven’t you noticed?
Q: I'm unemployed and am having trouble affording beer. What stimulus package can you provide for folks like me?
A: I am going to have beer-making kits supplied by the PDS.
Q: Time is running out for the Congress Party. Can you at least give us a hint of what's coming?
A: I don't want to reveal too much, but if you have any friends who live in Pakistan or Bangla Desh, they should leave.
Q: Have you or your staff ever accused your party president Sonia of being a "diva?"
A: I have a party president? Named Sonia? Nobody tells me anything.
Q: Are you actually "on the ballot" in any constituency? Or, is your candidacy more of a "call-centre" thing?
A: Wait... There are ballots?
Q: When you are P.M., could you arrange it so that the IPL Series is played on a frozen lake in Srinagar around midnight?
A: That's where we're headed. We clearly did not intend to outsource this years IPL to South Africa.
Q: We are constantly told of how Reservations and Casteism will bankrupt our society. Well, I am critically ill, what will you do to make sure that Reservations goes belly up before I do?
A: The government is working day and night to accomplish this.
Q: The Shiv Sena editorial board has endorsed your opponent, L.K.Advani. Are they great kidders, or what?
A: No, they are on drugs. But in a good way.
Q: I've noticed that both L.K.Advani and Sharad Pawar have stolen your patented technique of answering every question with the same three or four responses, regardless of what the question is. Are you secretly acting as speechwriter for both campaigns? Or are you going to sue them both for big bucks?
A: I agree with the “aam aadmi”.
Q: Are there any 'dirty little secrets' you have learned from any of the other candidates during this race?
A:
Q: Are you shocked that the U.S. bailout money is being spent on frivolous things like spa treatments instead of the intended purpose of bribing politicians?
A: Clearly, if we had an Indian bailout plan we would ensure this anomaly is rectified.
Q: Indians will spend crores of rupees buying the Tata Nano this year rather than buying politicians. What will you do to correct this inequality?
A: I will create a gigantic bailout program under which the government will pay crores of rupees to failing politicians
Q: Does your campaign wardrobe and makeup bill amount to lakhs of rupees?
A: I have 12 staff people who do nothing except fret about my turbans.
Q: Will you be a hands-on P.M.?
A: I will be more of a pants-off P.M.
Q: Do you have a Joe-the-plumber type friend who epitomizes your campaign's values?
A: Yes: Munna Bhai.
Q: Why do I have to upgrade computer software that I don't even have?
A: Because the upgrade has additional features that you don't need.
Q: It appears that the greatest threat to world peace and sanity in 2009 will be "Windows Vista" And “Windows 7”. How have you prepared for this calamity?
A: How do they come up with these names? We will ask Satyam to develop a new “Khidki Bharat V” compliant programme that will take care of this problem.
Q: As a Kashmiri, I can see Pakistan from my window. Does that qualify me to become your foreign ambassador? There's a case of walnuts in it for you...eh?
A: Kashmir has windows?
Q: What kinds of preconditions did you have for the G20 meeting with the leaders of foreign countries?
A: There had to be beer.
Q: Can we expect your economic policy to favor popular socialism, corporate socialism, or political socialism?
A: I will reduce taxes for 99.99 percent of Indians while providing giant new government programs for everybody. I will pay for this by taking money from the IPL franchisees.
Q: We the people of Goa have discovered a great time-saving shortcut: we have a candidate for Parliament who is already in jail. Do you think that this trend in politics, will become a global phenomenon?
A: While he's in there, he could also be a Panaji city commissioner.
Q: Newspaper editorial boards have been releasing a slew of endorsements as election nears. Has any publication endorsed you?
A: The Billu Barber Hairdresser Journal
Q: What steps have you taken to ensure that Mamta Bannerjee won't screw up the election next month?
A: We're telling her that the election is next year.
Q: Mayavati, is running against both Congress and BJP. What are you running against?
A: To misquote Gabbar Singh: Arre oh Samba. Woh kitne aadmi hain?? Bas ek aurat??
Q: I tuned into NDTV Morning Show to catch your book on the New Indian Economics. It was great. How much tandoori masala did you say should be sprinkled on the chicken?
A: You jest, but I did in fact cook all of the food for the Taj Hotels, not that you will read anything about this in the so-called "mainstream" media.
Q: I have assets of 120 crores. Am I eligible enough to be your Deputy P.M.?
A: Can you skin a country chicken?
