Shizzle & Fudge

Dirty Word Scrabble anyone ?

Stumbled out of bed this morning……looked at the clock, I had overslept, this in spite of my alarm going off every 5 minutes after I hit the snooze button. Stubbed my toe on the bed post and in the space of 30 seconds, for the second time this a.m. mouthed a popular dirty word which begins with the letter “S”.For all future references this “S” word shall be referred to as “shizzle”.

I am definitely not a morning person. But I have to reach the airport by 6 a.m. today. Why is that you ask?

Well today’s the day Nandini and Aparna are coming to visit, and to make you guys green with envy, I have to tell you; these babes are hotttt , positively sizzling! and they’re coming to visit ME, so suck on that!

Although I can almost hear Aparna sound off with the F-word if I don’t get to the airport on time to pick them up. For all future references the F-word will be referred to as “fudge”.

I always get grumpy at the fact that, after I have hit the snooze button and turned back to sleep, the clock continues to run.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, after we’ve hit the snooze button, time just stands still, so that a couple of hours later, when we actually get out of bed, via a natural process of yawning, flatulence and scratching it is still the time we set the alarm for.

But the system doesn’t work that way, and that ol’ clock just keeps moving along, making me say “shizzle” at times like these.

I remember saying it right into the ear of my daughter Lekha, at the tender age of four. Lekha would sometimes crawl into our bed in the middle of the night because of nightmares. I’m guessing it’s because she slept with a Pacman printed blanket, that looked like a beheaded chicken chasing black tar-babies.

I immediately regretted opening my morning-breath mouth, but she was pretty cool. She matter of factly said, “Baba, you should not say shizzle.” Only she did not say “shizzle”, she actually said shizzle, you understand.

And she said it so maturely so as to indicate that she was merely trying to discipline me, and got no joy from it whatsoever.How do kids get to be this way.

Isn’t it strange that when I said”shizzle” I was neither referring to the actual substance, nor attempting to represent it.

What I was doing was vocalizing my frustration and anger at being late, and instead of saying, “I feel agonized, frustrated and angry at my tardiness this morning” for the sake of brevity I said”shizzle” and was corrected in no uncertain terms, and this from a child who consistently wore her shoes on the wrong feet.

It’s ironical that through the ages famous writers like Arthur Conan Doyle have penned dirty words that now is considered literature.

In Sherlock Holmes for example the following appears in Act I Scene III , Row IV and Seats VII & VIII :

Holmes : What the fudge do you deduct Mr Watson ?

Watson : That there are a shizzle-load of stars in the sky Mr.Holmes.

Holmes : No, think again Mr.Watson.

Watson : Oh! Someone has stolen our fudging tent!

Holmes : Fudging elementary my dear Watson.

Today fudge is also used in major motion pictures, and when someone cuts us off in traffic.

But when you consider what the word describes and listen to psychoanalysts going on ad nauseum about the relationship between sex and hostility, you just know they’re full of shizzle.

We tend to use fudge in lieu of a nasty comeback as a very witty insult.

Unlike the great sage Birbal, when the Emperor Akbar asked him stupid questions at parties, most of us don’t think of good comebacks until a month afterwards when in the loo, so we tend to go for fudge as a substitute.

I disprove of fudge, since it generally tends to lead to violence and sometimes stabbings. So when we anger each other with a fender bender in traffic, we should exchange phone numbers and call up the other person when we have had the time to think of a really witty insult.

But I think shizzle should be made should be made an acceptable expression for despicable alarms and tyres that go flat in the middle of nowhere.

Aparna used it extensively when she deleted all the Goa visit pics from her camera.

I dread to think what will happen when she gets a cell phone with a camera. Instead of receiving an sms, we can instead expect multiple pictures of her nose!!

Shizzle was also used when dropping the ladies off at the airport, because, guess what? Time kept moving after the morning alarm, again!

Signs of Our Times

Running With The Bulls

Dropping the talented, beautiful and versatile Professor Nalini to the airport was cutting it close, but I was not too worried since most of the distance to the airport is covered via the NH17(1).

I figured that except for the odd stray dog that would attempt to chew my tyres we would arrive in good time for Nalini to catch her flight.

What I did not figure on is this habit that people have of driving on the right side or the fast lane, despite the fact that they are going at less than 40 kmph.

This is true of a few contaminated cities like Delhi, Bangalore and Chennai, populated with aliens and multinationals, where it is customary for people to drive according to their planet of origin.

But I think like bird flu, it’s contagious, now you see it everywhere.

The right lane, (for those of you who got their licences by bribing the RTO), is the fast or “passing” lane. It is not meant for people -who have never passed anyone in their lives- to keep squatting there, like cholesterol globules, clogging up the transit lifelines of this great nation. We have Morchas(2) and Rasta Rokos(3) organized by out-of-work politicians for that sort of thing.

I now generally pass these people from the left, and glare at them. But since this doesn’t seem to be working, because for some reason they seem to be wearing baseball caps backwards and looking intently at the road ahead instead of allowing you to catch their eye, I propose a military option. I propose we mount rocket launchers on the front bumpers of cars of which mine would be among the forerunners.

When coming across a right lane blockage, I would first flash my lights, then I would blow my horn until the driver in front looked in his rear-view mirror to see me making hand signals for him to move over, and if he wanted to drive at 40kmph he should do it in say, a government department, where it would be more appropriate. If that did not work I would sound the specially installed siren, and only if ALL these failed to deter him I would resort to vaporizing him with his car.


What!?? Too harsh !! Shut up or I’ll punch you in the jaw. Oh! I’m sorry, I will admit that I am a little stressed-out from driving behind these persons.

But something needs to be done, word should get around to the slow-drivers-in-the-fast-lane community, wherever they congregate- methinx baseball cap shops- that they have a choice of moving left or becoming fertiliser(4): most would choose the former.

But then again maybe it’s not their fault. Possibly the reason is those road signs on the NH17 that say SPEED LIMIT 40. These signs could possibly create the impression that the speed limit IS indeed 40. This is definitely not the case, as well informed drivers will tell you.

All Indian citizens know this is the “pretend” speed limit, in the same way as call centre employees are always pretending they want their customers to “have a nice day”, but it certainly is not the real speed limit, since nobody, including the police, actually drive that slowly, except bullock carts and people wearing baseball caps backward in the right lane.

On the other hand, when you see cars with red lights and police outriders, sirens blaring, barreling past you at supersonic speeds you wonder, how fast are you really allowed to drive?

But here’s the kicker: Nobody will tell you.


India is the only democracy where the speed limits seems to be a secret.

I asked a cop whom I was friendly with, to tell me the real speed limit, and he told me, but only after I swore on my forefathers not to reveal his name or his state or the speed limit itself.

Unbelievable! Here in India, home of the Taj Mahal and the recently touted “RIGHT TO INFORMATION ACT”, we have a police officer, an officer sworn to uphold the law, afraid he could lose his job, or worse, his share of the matka(5) hafta(6), for revealing the speed limit.

When things are this secretive, then I figure we must be dealing with National Security.

Specifically we must be dealing with the Minister of Transport at the Centre who is in charge of enforcing the national “pretend” speed limit.

The Transport Minister has learned, through NDTV that drivers in a lot of states who are driving faster than 40 kmph, could be terrorists, or worse Members of the Opposition, and has threatened to cut off these states from World Bank Highway Development payoffs.

Therefore to keep the Transport Minister happy, the police pretend to enforce the speed limit and put up all these signs. The police in fact also think it’s stupid, and will not challan(7) you unless you exceed the real speed limit or unless there is a “collection drive”(8). This varies from state to state and even from day to day, but the police don’t dare talk about it for fear of upsetting the Transport Minister.

I told my friend the cop, that not knowing how fast we are allowed to go creates frustration in the average motorist. He said the cops like the idea because apart from police brutality, screwing with peoples heads by changing the speed limits from time to time, is the only other real fun they have.

I think we need to make a better system than this. I say the states should supplement their road revenues by “leaking” the daily speed limits at all the Playwin(9) booths - so for 50 rupees you can stop your car at one of these booths and a road transport employee whispers the daily speed limit in your ear. Don’t you agree?

Of course if the Transport Minister hears about this he could get angry, but then again why should we care when he gets chauffeured around in a Government car with a red light, which is immune to traffic rules - although I do think it would be vulnerable to rocket launchers.

Nalini caught her flight with an hour to spare. Her flight take off was delayed due to “technical difficulties(10)”


GLOSSARY OF TERMS
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1.NH17 - A National Highway in Goa, part of the Golden Quadrangle that was supposed to connect all major cities (a dream project of former Prime Minister Vajpayee) slowly becoming a nightmare, but thankfully still motorable in parts, namely from my house to Dabolim, Goa’s airport.

2.Morcha - A “front” as in “Mahila Mazdoor Evam Laghu Kisan Morcha” (MMELKM), meaning Women, Labour and Small Farmers’ Front. This particular front was launched as a convenient tax shelter for rich landlords to hide behind.


3.Rasta Roko - A phrase used to block the roads by unscrupulous politicians by gathering a whole bunch of Fronts or Morchas making absurd demands such as reducing the speed limit further to allow for bullock carts to be able to travel in the right lane.

4.Fertiliser - What bullock carts are adept at producing…. So do most politicians.

5.Matka - A form of indigent gambling, “allegedly” frowned on by the establishment because gambling should only be done in “authorized” casinos who have paid a lot of money both below and above board to avail of these licences.

6.Hafta - The graft a policeman gets for “looking the other way” This varies depending on how large the establishment is, (push-cart or 5-star), and does not apply to those owned by politicians and high-ranking officials.

7.Challan - Basically a written demand or a fine-cum-receipt for money, most motorists are expected to pay this on the spot, this is because there is the distinct possibility that the road transport challan form may be uncovered as a fake if presented at a pay- in counter later.

8.Collection Drive - The amount of money a Minister or Senior official designates to lower cadres to collect as fines, so he can send his offspring to finishing school at Oxford or Cambridge. This varies from semester to semester.

9.Playwin - Another form of legit gambling, devised for the masses, like the lottery, which encourages the poor and the stupid to gamble away their newborn’s milk money against ludicrously bad odds.

10.Technical Difficulties - Phrase used by airlines when they find the plane is only half full and they wait for walk-in passengers, or they cancel the flight altogether so that their “partner” airline can fill up, another word for “profit-sharing.”