Running With The Bulls
Dropping the talented, beautiful and versatile Professor Nalini to the airport was cutting it close, but I was not too worried since most of the distance to the airport is covered via the NH17(1).
I figured that except for the odd stray dog that would attempt to chew my tyres we would arrive in good time for Nalini to catch her flight.
What I did not figure on is this habit that people have of driving on the right side or the fast lane, despite the fact that they are going at less than 40 kmph.
This is true of a few contaminated cities like Delhi, Bangalore and Chennai, populated with aliens and multinationals, where it is customary for people to drive according to their planet of origin.
But I think like bird flu, it’s contagious, now you see it everywhere.
The right lane, (for those of you who got their licences by bribing the RTO), is the fast or “passing” lane. It is not meant for people -who have never passed anyone in their lives- to keep squatting there, like cholesterol globules, clogging up the transit lifelines of this great nation. We have Morchas(2) and Rasta Rokos(3) organized by out-of-work politicians for that sort of thing.
I now generally pass these people from the left, and glare at them. But since this doesn’t seem to be working, because for some reason they seem to be wearing baseball caps backwards and looking intently at the road ahead instead of allowing you to catch their eye, I propose a military option. I propose we mount rocket launchers on the front bumpers of cars of which mine would be among the forerunners.
When coming across a right lane blockage, I would first flash my lights, then I would blow my horn until the driver in front looked in his rear-view mirror to see me making hand signals for him to move over, and if he wanted to drive at 40kmph he should do it in say, a government department, where it would be more appropriate. If that did not work I would sound the specially installed siren, and only if ALL these failed to deter him I would resort to vaporizing him with his car.
What!?? Too harsh !! Shut up or I’ll punch you in the jaw. Oh! I’m sorry, I will admit that I am a little stressed-out from driving behind these persons.
But something needs to be done, word should get around to the slow-drivers-in-the-fast-lane community, wherever they congregate- methinx baseball cap shops- that they have a choice of moving left or becoming fertiliser(4): most would choose the former.
But then again maybe it’s not their fault. Possibly the reason is those road signs on the NH17 that say SPEED LIMIT 40. These signs could possibly create the impression that the speed limit IS indeed 40. This is definitely not the case, as well informed drivers will tell you.
All Indian citizens know this is the “pretend” speed limit, in the same way as call centre employees are always pretending they want their customers to “have a nice day”, but it certainly is not the real speed limit, since nobody, including the police, actually drive that slowly, except bullock carts and people wearing baseball caps backward in the right lane.
On the other hand, when you see cars with red lights and police outriders, sirens blaring, barreling past you at supersonic speeds you wonder, how fast are you really allowed to drive?
But here’s the kicker: Nobody will tell you.
India is the only democracy where the speed limits seems to be a secret.
I asked a cop whom I was friendly with, to tell me the real speed limit, and he told me, but only after I swore on my forefathers not to reveal his name or his state or the speed limit itself.
Unbelievable! Here in India, home of the Taj Mahal and the recently touted “RIGHT TO INFORMATION ACT”, we have a police officer, an officer sworn to uphold the law, afraid he could lose his job, or worse, his share of the matka(5) hafta(6), for revealing the speed limit.
When things are this secretive, then I figure we must be dealing with National Security.
Specifically we must be dealing with the Minister of Transport at the Centre who is in charge of enforcing the national “pretend” speed limit.
The Transport Minister has learned, through NDTV that drivers in a lot of states who are driving faster than 40 kmph, could be terrorists, or worse Members of the Opposition, and has threatened to cut off these states from World Bank Highway Development payoffs.
Therefore to keep the Transport Minister happy, the police pretend to enforce the speed limit and put up all these signs. The police in fact also think it’s stupid, and will not challan(7) you unless you exceed the real speed limit or unless there is a “collection drive”(8). This varies from state to state and even from day to day, but the police don’t dare talk about it for fear of upsetting the Transport Minister.
I told my friend the cop, that not knowing how fast we are allowed to go creates frustration in the average motorist. He said the cops like the idea because apart from police brutality, screwing with peoples heads by changing the speed limits from time to time, is the only other real fun they have.
I think we need to make a better system than this. I say the states should supplement their road revenues by “leaking” the daily speed limits at all the Playwin(9) booths - so for 50 rupees you can stop your car at one of these booths and a road transport employee whispers the daily speed limit in your ear. Don’t you agree?
Of course if the Transport Minister hears about this he could get angry, but then again why should we care when he gets chauffeured around in a Government car with a red light, which is immune to traffic rules - although I do think it would be vulnerable to rocket launchers.
Nalini caught her flight with an hour to spare. Her flight take off was delayed due to “technical difficulties(10)”
GLOSSARY OF TERMS
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1.NH17 - A National Highway in Goa, part of the Golden Quadrangle that was supposed to connect all major cities (a dream project of former Prime Minister Vajpayee) slowly becoming a nightmare, but thankfully still motorable in parts, namely from my house to Dabolim, Goa’s airport.
2.Morcha - A “front” as in “Mahila Mazdoor Evam Laghu Kisan Morcha” (MMELKM), meaning Women, Labour and Small Farmers’ Front. This particular front was launched as a convenient tax shelter for rich landlords to hide behind.
3.Rasta Roko - A phrase used to block the roads by unscrupulous politicians by gathering a whole bunch of Fronts or Morchas making absurd demands such as reducing the speed limit further to allow for bullock carts to be able to travel in the right lane.
4.Fertiliser - What bullock carts are adept at producing…. So do most politicians.
5.Matka - A form of indigent gambling, “allegedly” frowned on by the establishment because gambling should only be done in “authorized” casinos who have paid a lot of money both below and above board to avail of these licences.
6.Hafta - The graft a policeman gets for “looking the other way” This varies depending on how large the establishment is, (push-cart or 5-star), and does not apply to those owned by politicians and high-ranking officials.
7.Challan - Basically a written demand or a fine-cum-receipt for money, most motorists are expected to pay this on the spot, this is because there is the distinct possibility that the road transport challan form may be uncovered as a fake if presented at a pay- in counter later.
8.Collection Drive - The amount of money a Minister or Senior official designates to lower cadres to collect as fines, so he can send his offspring to finishing school at Oxford or Cambridge. This varies from semester to semester.
9.Playwin - Another form of legit gambling, devised for the masses, like the lottery, which encourages the poor and the stupid to gamble away their newborn’s milk money against ludicrously bad odds.
10.Technical Difficulties - Phrase used by airlines when they find the plane is only half full and they wait for walk-in passengers, or they cancel the flight altogether so that their “partner” airline can fill up, another word for “profit-sharing.”
