Let's Get The "Party" Started.

India Rising


In sync with the 21st Century

Calling all Scoundrels

Yeaaaaaaa !! It’s that time for Goans once again, and time for all politicians, to open that termite–ridden cupboard, pull out and brush off that list of lies and false promises, and then ride out to hoodwink the great unwashed, and illiterate public once again.

Time to form new alliances with old enemies, or to pretend not to, time to make tall claims of progress for one’s party, and to rubbish the opposition.

Yes the Great Electoral Circus has come to town once again, along with all the Political Celebrities and some Bollywood ones – dancing and prancing, with oodles of promises of gifts that would put Santa to shame.

I asked MLA Jos Fernandes, and a dear friend of mine, ”Jos, what is the best thing about being a politician?”
He always answered, ”The best thing is that I can help others and make the world a better place.”
Then everybody had a hearty laugh because of course Jos lied. In fact that’s one of the great things about being a politician: You can lie! You get rewarded when you lie! What other profession can say that?
OK, lawyers, but they have to have gone to college to learn how to lie first. Whereas politicians need never have seen the inside of a classroom. Politicians never need to even wear a uniform, they can wear whatever they want. They can show up (or not ) for work in a giant chicken costume and their bosses would not question it. They might even be impressed and remark on it positively in their annual Performance Appraisals. (“Shows initiative and drive. Met his constituents in chicken costume.”)

When you are a politician, people allow you a lot of freedom.

As a politician you can call for a press meeting any hour, even at midnight ,and have a swarm of reporters hanging on every word when you make a sweeping statement that: ”Shilpa Shetty being publically kissed by Richard Gere encourages the spread of terrorism in the country.”

As a politician you can state categorically that unaccounted money found in your hotel room are “party funds”.

As a politician you can fake chest pains when issued an arrest warrant and be lodged in a five-star hospitals' private suite instead of a jail cell.

As a politician you can be involved in numerous financial scams, default on bank loans upwards of 20 crores of rupees in a sugar mill mismanagement and a bank, and go on to become Governor of a State and then President elect for the entire country.

.. and much, much more. And guess what? Nobody thinks it’s odd that you do or say these things. Because it’s not odd. These are all part of the job of being a professional politician. And as for mischievous information on any ill-gotten gains, scams, bribes or kickbacks, news of which is being flashed on NDTV via spycam – that’s preposterous!: you obtained every rupee in the course of doing your job as a politician. They are the Tools of Your Trade!

My point is that politicians have a wonderful job. It’s way better than other so-called “elite” jobs, such as Cardiologist, or Secretary to the United Nations.

Don’t believe me? Apart from not requiring any minimum age, experience or educational qualifications, let’s then compare the three vocations with specifics :

A. Okay to wear chicken costume to work ?
Cardiologist - No
Secretary to the U.N. – Only at special functions dealing with “Bird Flu”.
Politician – Yes

B. Hardest part of job ?
Cardiologist – Cutting into chest of live human
Secretary to the U.N. – Maintaining delicate balance of world peace
Politician – Working Shilpa Shetty’s name into speech at Spastics Society

C. Worst that can happen ?
Cardiologist – Heart bounces off your shoes.
Secretary to the U.N. – World War III commences.
Politician – “Shilpa” speech fails to appear in newspaper column.

D. Ultimate benefit ?
Cardiologist – Can save a life.
Secretary to the U.N. – Can truly make the world a better place for millions.
Politician – Can wear pyjamas to television talk show.

So it’s crystal clear folks: any way you look at it, there is no better job than politician. That is why so many people want this job. It looks so easy! In fact as you read this you may find yourself thinking: “Hey, I could do this. Any "bad word" person could do this!”

But that is where you would be wrong! It takes a very special kind of "bad word" person to be a politician. Every election year, thousands of people try their hands at this demanding job. After the results are announced, almost all of them have given up and gone back to petty theft and extortion.

Do you think you could do this job? Do you have what it takes to be a truly thick-skinned politician? Then answer the following multiple choice questions:

TEST FOR POLITICAL APTITUDE

1. You give a speech speaking ill of a certain minority community, that is so insensitive and vicious that thousands of people from all walks of life take out processions and condemn you and your speech. You should:
a. Apologize to them in public
b. Apologize to them on television
c. Threaten to send goons to their houses.

2. If you were given the opportunity to ask one question of Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose what would the appropriate question be?
a. “What did you hope would be your legacy to future generations?”
b. “What is the greatest moral threat facing India and Indians today?”
c. “Can I wear your hat?”

3. As a politician, you should always watch the daily television news because it enables you to:
a. Accurately keep in touch with current affairs and affairs of state.
b. Gauge the mood of the electorate at large.
c. Watch FTV models in their underwear.

4. The part of the newspaper you first turn to is:
a. The headlines
b. The editorial
c. The page which keeps track of your investments.

5. The main purpose of a newspaper, in your opinion, is to :
a. Inform it’s readers about all aspects of important issues.
b. Convince readers by presenting the pros and cons of an argument
c. Print the Railway and Airline Schedules, and Forecast the Weather.

6. The best resource for confirming a fact is:
a. The Discovery Channel
b. Google the Internet
c. All facts will have to be investigated by an appointed commission.

If you answered “c” to all these questions , you might have the potential to be a politician. But I warn you: There is a lot of skullduggery involved.

For example you will have to gain access to bootleg liquor to numb your constituents into a stupor and enable them to carry out their odious election duty (namely vote for you) during the dry days leading upto election day and the announcements of the results, especially if you win.

Next you will have to visit and spend two weeks in Madrid (preferably with a pretty young thing travelling on your wife's passport) conducting tax-deductible research at various bullring cantinas, so you can educate your constituents about issues, such as exactly where Madrid is (not in Portugal, as it turns out) and what the Spaniards are thinking ( they’re thinking we’re morons).

Me? I’m going to curl up with a good book in the rains.

Inquilab Zindabad !