It's “THE CHRISTMAS SEASON” once again. And we all know what that means right?? .......Partaaaaaaayyyy !!
It also means that, like an outbreak of measles, the gift-giving season is upon us once again.
I have received oodles of colourful pamphlets from my credit-card company and flyers in the daily mail urging me to buy retarded objects and gift them to people.
The most recent catalogue features ginormous cans of cashew nut burfi dripping with syrup, each containing enough artery-clogging cholesterol to decimate half the secretariat. If you want to gift this, all you do is call up the toll-free number given and it will be delivered forthwith to the person of your choice. It never even has to cross your doorstep, let alone drip on your carpet.
Another example of gifting-food: Christmas puddings manufactured last November, packed in tin cans and “matured to perfection” in Aunty Philo’s home bakery till they achieve the consistency of Olympic putting balls. These present all the problems of cashew nut burfi with the added problem that they can cause hernias.
Now why would anyone give such a gift? Do you know of anyone in the entire country who would actually want a mass of congealed burfi? The only reason one can think of, is that the gift-giver is just going through the motions and saying, “Ok, now you can’t say I came to your party empty-handed.”
Another example is cosmetics. Men the world over go into these cosmetic stores which smell like cheap dance bars and buy their wives/girlfriends a gift package containing tiny sprays, tubes and jars with brand names like Fiama Yo Mama or La Oriole or Garish Fruits, which claim to whiten, moisten and soften everything, I would think the women would be better off just climbing into a washing machine, with extra detergent, softener and bleach. But essentially what the men mean to say is, “Look! I bought you a present” I doubt women use those things, they most likely just give it to their 3-year old nieces or nephews to play with, which is why you find some kids who smell like cheap dance bars.
And what do the women do?? They turn right around and buy presents for the men. “Oh see what I got you!” And the men say, "Great! A handy screwdriver set!” Then they stick the screwdriver set at the bottom of their tool box along with the cashew nut burfi.
But it’s Christmas and you have no choice. You have to buy thoughtful presents for your friends and family or they will hate you.
So, every year, when you find yourself sucked in by the “Fill-My-Christmas-Stocking-Epidemic”, remind yourself that it’s that very special time of year when we join our fellow Yuletide shoppers in sharing centuries-old traditions, such as trying to find parking space in Panjim.
We traditionally do this by driving around Panjim streets and roads until we see a shopper emerge and walk towards her car. Then, in very much the spirit of the Magii, we follow her, just as they followed a star, for weeks on end, until it led them to a parking space.
By keeping the car bumper about a metre from her heels, we warn other stalking cars that she belongs to us and shoo them away by playing “Jingle Bells” loudly through the car speakers.
So there it is! The true meaning of Christmas: FINDING A PARKING SPOT.
That…. and trying to catch the waiter’s eye at Britto’s in Baga.
Post-parking you then saunter into the store and set about finding Christmas presents for young and old.
Here are some helpful suggestions:
Presents for Children (Boys): Play Stations, Laptops, I- Pods, I-Phones, AK-47’s
Presents for Adults (Men): Play Stations, Laptops, I-Pods, I-Phones, Ak-47’s
Presents for Children (Girls): Toys R Us has once again outdone itself with offering a huge simpering array of dolls and accessories, including a tiny pouch for carrying the I-Pill. These dolls have Pentium chips inside them, can speak, sing and dance. There’s even one that is a dead ringer for Freida Pinto that dumps her boyfriend and sings “jai ho.”
Presents for Adults (Women): Cell phones with automatic voice-activated battery chargers and unlimited talk-time, 2 credit cards, a wedding ring.
……and for me: I don’t want to get too mushy here, but I think that if you truly care, the best present you can give me is not something money can buy. It is very precious, but costs nothing. It is only yours to give. I’m talking about your parking spot.
.....and here's A Merry Christmas and a Happy 2010 to my 3 blog fans.Ho!Ho!Ho! Hmmph!
