2011 : Looking Back in Perplexity!

JANUARY

7^th

In New Delhi the Department of Identity Cards unveils a new, improved, unique, identity DNA, blood and stool sample card called "Aadhar Plus".This is such a big hit that Nandan Nilekani, the expert who thought it up, is immediately put to work on developing a policy to deal with the Kashmir issue.

18^th

A barge loaded with garbage sets out from the Mandovi under the command of the NIO Director for Exploration, who is seeking to prove his theory that Goa could have been discovered by early mariners from Portugal in crude garbage barges, and maybe we can reverse the trend.

FEBRUARY

11th
Something happened in Egypt. I think a pyramid fell.

15^th

In the widening 2G scandal, the heads of three major telecom firms rob a department store.

MARCH

3^rd

At the Wagah border, tensions mount as a Pakistani ranger gets his butt kicked by a female BSF jawan for having insulted Salman Khan.

20^th

Census 2011 says that India has only 940 females for every 1000 males. So that leaves 60 men who have to take matters into their own hands.

APRIL

1^st

Baba Ramdev reveals that he can raise the dead. The manufacturers of Viagra immediately offer to buy him out. To which Swami Agnivesh responds, “Ha! Ha! The joke’s on you.”

Mamata to Sonia," If you call a bunch of chickens a "flock", fish a "school", and cows a "herd" do you know that a group of Baboons, the loudest,most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates is called a "congress?" To which Sonia responds," Ha! Ha! The jokes on you."

15^th

The central figure in the Anna Hazare Indian anti-corruption movement, "Lieutenant" Arvind Kejriwal, becomes an instant national folk hero, when, with eyes glistening and voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits before world- wide television and thousands of Jan Lokpal supporters, that he is very patriotic.

MAY

2^nd

Osama Bin Ladens five wives, call up US Navy Seals from Pakistan to rescue them, as he refused to let them bathe and worse...did not allow them to go shopping.

15^th

Simi Grewal, angered over persistent media reports that she has had extensive plastic surgery, strikes Cyrus Broacha with one of her synthetic hair extensions.

JUNE

21^st

Crack detectives in the Finance Ministry in New Delhi begin to suspect that it might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in Pranabda’s office and two chairs and a table say, “Bless You.”

24^th

In response to the growing pressure from Lucky Farmhouse a.k.a Atal the drug dealers girlfriend, the Goa Government vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the Cabinet.

JULY

10^th

A new policy requiring random drug testing for cricketers runs into problems when over half the spin bowlers are unable to hit the specimen bottle.

13^th

In an effort to establish that she is sophisticated and has good taste, Rakhee Sawant offers to woo and wed Baba Ramdev.

19^th

Tensions ease at Delhi airport, as a Kingfisher Flight is allowed to refuel and take off for Bangalore, freeing up space for Air India’s planes to be parked as they have a shortage of pilots.

31^st

Mickey and Babush file their tax returns.

AUGUST

10^th

The IT department sends back their (Mickey and Babush) tax returns, politely pointing out that they’re supposed to fill them out.

13^th

Shammi Kapoor ( the original founder of "Yahoo!") goes to the Big Movie Theatre in the Sky.

Ladies, ladies! It's NOT Kabab it's Kapoor! 

17^th

In the ongoing war against poverty and global depression members of parliament gave themselves a hefty (24-crore) pay and perks raise which included the latest iPad tablet, leading Apple Co. to coin the new slogan, “iPads for unPads”

22^nd

Activist and writer Arundati Roy, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, accuses Anna Hazare of being non-secular. To which Kiran Bedi replies, “We respect all denominations, including the 500 and 1000 rupee notes.

SEPTEMBER

6^th

True News Item: A train full of commuters travelling from Tirupati to Varanasi went 980 km in the wrong direction before passengers realized what was happening. Congress's Digvijay Singh remarks, “Maybe it saw a snake.”

8^th

In WikiLeaks action, Mayavati makes a minister do sit-ups and sends an empty plane to Mumbai to pick up her favourite brand of footwear, but says that Julian Assange should be sent to the Agra mental asylum.

21^st

Chidambaram announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of the 2G spectrum in connivance with A.Raja since he was busy granting mining licences to AP and Goa.

23^rd

Times Now reporters examine their diaries and discover, to their shock, that Jan 2008 they approved the sale of the 2G spectrum. They are immediately arrested.

OCTOBER

17^th

In a press conference the PM when asked by reporters about L.K.Advani’s persistent allegations the he is “out of touch,” responded vigorously: “Yes, I enjoy chicken butter masala.”

21^st

In Africa, Libya learns that Muammar Gadaffi is finally dead. After a celebratory dinner the dozen remaining freedom fighters are summarily shot by the military.

26^th

In Mumbai Shahrukh Khan releases Ra One, – it flops, and SRK threatens to produce a sequel.

29^th

Maruti Motors in Manesar is forced to recall 3000 cars after the strike was called off, after learning that Trade Union Leader Sonu Gujjar, apparently acting on his own used the plants computers to place orders for 50 tonnes of ganja to be concealed in the cars cushions.

30^th

The Formula1 Grand Prix in Delhi is won by Mrs.Svetlana Rostok, 85, of Morjim, Bardez driving an 1965 Ambassador with the left indicator on.

NOVEMBER

9^th

The SAARC meeting concludes on a triumphant note as External Affairs Ministers Krishna agreed that his Pakistani counterpart Hira Rabbani was “hot”.

11^th

L.K.Advani announces on his Rath Yatra that he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister and immediately becomes the BJP front-runner.

12^th

Mamata Bannerji announces that SHE doesn’t want to be Prime Minister either.

13^th

In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Kingfisher Airlines announces that its flights will operate without engines. “Most of them never take off anyway,” explains a spokesman.

16^th

Aishwarya Bachchan has a baby, L’oreal immediately launches a new line of toddler products.

17^th

Sushil Kumar, a commoner from Bihar wins 5 crores in Kaun Banega Crorepati by answering the jackpot question, “When will Sachin score his 100^th century?”

20^th

In the most dramatic Radia-2G testimony known as Barkhagate, Barkha Dutt, played by Preity Zinta, testifies that, as CBI investigators closed in, she and Nira Radia stayed late in their Mumbai studio editing the “Lakshya” film for television.

29^th

The public responds with massive displays to reports that a number of totally unsuspecting Congress politicians were cruelly tricked by the US ambassador into believing that retail in FDI was good for the Indian economy.”It was a mistake that anyone could have made,” said a retail middleman, “provided that he had the IQ of a slug.”

DECEMBER

4^th

Dev Anand goes to the Big Movie Production House in the Sky, and signs up Shammi Kapoor and Liz Taylor as the male and female leads for his version of "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".

6^th

In a pre-parliamentary winter session public relations gambit, designed to show that he is a normal human, Kapil Sibal is interviewed by Arnab of Times Now, who clearly nervous, addresses the Minister as “Sybil.”

11^th

Mario Miranda gracefully checked out of Goa and travels on to the great ‘toon factory in the hereafter.

17^th

At the ongoing 50th year “Goan-Liberation Ritual”, Sonia Gandhi pledges to consider “Special Status” for the state “with total objectivity” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as Congress President, but also as a former Italian Princess.”

23^rd

DGP Aditya Arya gets shunted out of Goa to huge sighs of relief from the underworld. It’s back to business for the rest of the tourist season and the Sunburn festival begins to take on a rosy hue.

24^th

The election Commission announces dates for polling in 5 states. Santa Claus is happy that a lot of Christmas goodies will now come out of political coffers.

….and in other news….

with elections in the offing, villagers in UP are wary of poll visits from Rahul Gandhi.”The last time he came he ate our food and slept on our charpoy. It being winter, this time he will also take our blankets and maybe the shirts off our backs”, says a farmer in Aligarh.

31^st

Everyone wishes for Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Men. From where I’m standing and as sure as I have faith in the human spirit, nothing’s going to change.

.....AND NOW FOR SOME COMIC RELIEF.

Big-time national politics is all about its Weirdness Quotient. High-level political races should be between identical slim men and women in identical slim suits and saris. Rational, cool men and women, who know the voting market, who never say the wrong thing, who look good on TV…and above all are incorruptible. Candidates who don't fit this mould -- the blatant hacks, the geeks, the loons, the scamsters, the criminals, the people with bad teeth – should be filtered out at the Panchayat level.

The whole point of Indian politicians speaking is watching them makes asses of themselves. They are all weird. Just like the ones who, on the national level, have picked up the torch dropped, with a typical clumsiness, by Morarji Desai and V.P.(weepy) Singh? The fat candidates. The ugly candidates.The stupid candidates.The candidates who go to formal dinners and pass out in the Mutton Vindaloo. Who set fire to themselves with beedis. The candidates, who, the only time they speak the truth is when they call another politician a liar.

If we are to keep the tradition of participatory democracy going in this country, if we are to revive voter interest, we need less of these weird people running for high office, and more of the rational variety and we need them right now.

And so I say: Heaven help Goa, whose very license plates should read, "GOA: WAKA WAKA LOCA." Because in a state like this, a state whose naturally humid climate has permitted a tremendous diversity of human and canine life to flourish and mutate, we should not be surprised to find that this year, we are being treated to an electoral race between politicians who are clearly not Standard Issue. I've spent some time watching all of them, and I can honestly state that regardless of which one is elected, we will all, as voters, have reason to be vastly amused. For example : Here's a full report on the Panaji CCP elections.

***

We are in Manu.P’s rental campaign SUV, which is stout and bouncy, not unlike Manu himself, and we are going to someplace called "Taleigao." Rumor has it that there is agriculture in Taleigao. Manu is going there to show his concern for it.

In the SUV with Manu P. is the press, including a couple of political reporters from Big Bazaar; out-of- state newspapers that are very interested in this race because

(a) it is considered crucial to the opposition’s hopes of coming to power at the centre and

(b) it is nice and warm in Goa.

The press is not crazy about landing in Taleigao. The press frankly does not care about agriculture except insofar as it is a constituent of feni and results in lunch. The press would rather hear Manu P. talk about his opponent, incumbent Anas M.,( no, the part of the anatomy you refer to is spelt with an “u”, although you might not be too far wrong in your presumptions) and his hot new campaign issue,i.e. BLOCKING ALL THE WATER THAT "FLEW" UNDER THE MANDOVI BRIDGES.

This is an issue that materialized out of the air, literally, in the form of an electoral advertisement suggesting that Manu P. is willing to let the waters overrun and drown Panaji and the state. Manu P. who has long portrayed himself as a friend of nature, the Bondla Reserve, bunny rabbits,Tito’s etc., fought back with a counter-advertisement -- featuring a photograph of Anas M. that makes him look like he lost the Room Freshener Pageant because the police thought he was too vacuous -- in which prominent doctors and ecology nuts say that they favor the drowning and they like Manu P. and think Anas’ ad is basically doggy doo.

But in a way, Manu P. has lost the round, because he had to spend money to make additional ads responding to an issue Anas M. raised in HIS advertisement.

The whole thing sort of reminds you of Coke vs. Pepsi, only with less substance.

Manmohanomics 2009

Q: Manmohan Singhji, outgoing administrations have been known to play pranks on incoming administrations. Do you think that the current administration might do something like, say, start a war or two, trash the economy, tear up the Constitution and rearrange the words to make dirty limericks about Subhash Chandra Bose, immature stuff like that?

A: Wait until you see what they're going to do with India Gate.

Q: You say that if your are elected P.M. once again you will revive the economy in 100 days, what were you doing all these past years and even now as PM?

A: Arre! Do you have any idea of the time and effort involved in washing all my turbans and kacchhas getting ready for THIS election?

Q: You also say you are going to get back the black money salted away in tax havens abroad, how do you propose to do that?

A: I will declare a war against black money and tax havens and proceed in the same manner as the war against terrorism.

Q: Following your election victory, how will we be able to distinguish the celebratory gunfire and rioting in Delhi from the routine gunfire and rioting?

A: My people will be using special festive orange, white and green tracer bullets.

Q: I know you were on a flight with Muthalik. As P.M., will you allow him to pressure you into supporting all the horrible creatures that apparently reside in Mangalore?

A: I can't believe anybody still lives there, after all the unexplained violence. ("Unexplained Violence" would be a good name for a Bollywood movie.)

Q: There's been a lot of talk about the battle for middle-class blue-collar voters. What kinds of apparel are you trying to reach?

A: Pink Chaddi voters.

Q: There are thousands of automobile accidents every year involving stray cattle. Do all those cattle have driving licences?

A: Of course. AND they vote.

Q: Is it the hot weather that is responsible for the shrinkage of your GDP?

A: I plan to see my doctor if it lasts longer than four hours.

Q: Given the long time that early voters have to spend standing in line, do you expect a big movement from voters late in the day?

A: A lot of them are casting votes while they're still waiting to vote, if you get my drift.

Q: As P.M., what measures will you take to ensure that you are never seen in public with your pants unzipped?

A: I ALWAYS wear an ajkhan over my pants, haven’t you noticed?

Q: I'm unemployed and am having trouble affording beer. What stimulus package can you provide for folks like me?

A: I am going to have beer-making kits supplied by the PDS.

Q: Time is running out for the Congress Party. Can you at least give us a hint of what's coming?

A: I don't want to reveal too much, but if you have any friends who live in Pakistan or Bangla Desh, they should leave.

Q: Have you or your staff ever accused your party president Sonia of being a "diva?"

A: I have a party president? Named Sonia? Nobody tells me anything.

Q: Are you actually "on the ballot" in any constituency? Or, is your candidacy more of a "call-centre" thing?

A: Wait... There are ballots?

Q: When you are P.M., could you arrange it so that the IPL Series is played on a frozen lake in Srinagar around midnight?

A: That's where we're headed. We clearly did not intend to outsource this years IPL to South Africa.

Q: We are constantly told of how Reservations and Casteism will bankrupt our society. Well, I am critically ill, what will you do to make sure that Reservations goes belly up before I do?

A: The government is working day and night to accomplish this.

Q: The Shiv Sena editorial board has endorsed your opponent, L.K.Advani. Are they great kidders, or what?

A: No, they are on drugs. But in a good way.

Q: I've noticed that both L.K.Advani and Sharad Pawar have stolen your patented technique of answering every question with the same three or four responses, regardless of what the question is. Are you secretly acting as speechwriter for both campaigns? Or are you going to sue them both for big bucks?

A: I agree with the “aam aadmi”.

Q: Are there any 'dirty little secrets' you have learned from any of the other candidates during this race?

A: They are all on heroin. I am running a positive campaign.

Q: Are you shocked that the U.S. bailout money is being spent on frivolous things like spa treatments instead of the intended purpose of bribing politicians?

A: Clearly, if we had an Indian bailout plan we would ensure this anomaly is rectified.

Q: Indians will spend crores of rupees buying the Tata Nano this year rather than buying politicians. What will you do to correct this inequality?

A: I will create a gigantic bailout program under which the government will pay crores of rupees to failing politicians

Q: Does your campaign wardrobe and makeup bill amount to lakhs of rupees?

A: I have 12 staff people who do nothing except fret about my turbans.

Q: Will you be a hands-on P.M.?

A: I will be more of a pants-off P.M.

Q: Do you have a Joe-the-plumber type friend who epitomizes your campaign's values?

A: Yes: Munna Bhai.

Q: Why do I have to upgrade computer software that I don't even have?

A: Because the upgrade has additional features that you don't need.

Q: It appears that the greatest threat to world peace and sanity in 2009 will be "Windows Vista" And “Windows 7”. How have you prepared for this calamity?

A: How do they come up with these names? We will ask Satyam to develop a new “Khidki Bharat V” compliant programme that will take care of this problem.

Q: As a Kashmiri, I can see Pakistan from my window. Does that qualify me to become your foreign ambassador? There's a case of walnuts in it for you...eh?

A: Kashmir has windows?

Q: What kinds of preconditions did you have for the G20 meeting with the leaders of foreign countries?

A: There had to be beer.

Q: Can we expect your economic policy to favor popular socialism, corporate socialism, or political socialism?

A: I will reduce taxes for 99.99 percent of Indians while providing giant new government programs for everybody. I will pay for this by taking money from the IPL franchisees.

Q: We the people of Goa have discovered a great time-saving shortcut: we have a candidate for Parliament who is already in jail. Do you think that this trend in politics, will become a global phenomenon?

A: While he's in there, he could also be a Panaji city commissioner.

Q: Newspaper editorial boards have been releasing a slew of endorsements as election nears. Has any publication endorsed you?

A: The Billu Barber Hairdresser Journal

Q: What steps have you taken to ensure that Mamta Bannerjee won't screw up the election next month?

A: We're telling her that the election is next year.

Q: Mayavati, is running against both Congress and BJP. What are you running against?

A: To misquote Gabbar Singh: Arre oh Samba. Woh kitne aadmi hain?? Bas ek aurat??

Q: I tuned into NDTV Morning Show to catch your book on the New Indian Economics. It was great. How much tandoori masala did you say should be sprinkled on the chicken?

A: You jest, but I did in fact cook all of the food for the Taj Hotels, not that you will read anything about this in the so-called "mainstream" media.

Q: I have assets of 120 crores. Am I eligible enough to be your Deputy P.M.?

A: Can you skin a country chicken?

Will Singh be crowned King again ?

He’s running for P.M. again (yes, of the Republic of India). He thinks he’s currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where he stands on the issues by reading these FAQ's, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (I think) followed by his answers.

He updates these FAQ's regularly, so check back often. Or you can find something productive to do with your life. But jaagore.com doesn't recommend this.

Q: Did you ever figure out if the people asking questions here are real or not?
A: The people asking the questions are real. I, however, am a figment of their imagination.

Q: I think that it is both generous and innovative for you to allow Soniaji to be your co-P.M. and handle the day-to-day duties and burdens of the office while you pursue other interests in Switzerland. After your lobotomy, sorry, coronary bypass, will you be spending more time with your family?
A: My what?

Q: Should Indian reporters start wearing shoes to prime ministerial news conferences?
A: Or at very least, pants.

Q: How many votes would you expect to win in your constituency?
A: A LOT. Even more since I was never a resident of the actual constituency I’m representing.

Q: What are these rumors about Sunil Dutt getting through the recession by selling venison?
A: I cannot comment on that as the meat is very tasty and the matter is still sub-judice.

Q: I’m curious if you could pick any 4 people in the world to be in your cabinet who would they be?
A: I would definitely go with Morarji Desai for one.

Q: Have you had any trouble with your urine-conversion process?
A: With the beer input? No.

Q: And what about that other issue, the one we're not supposed to discuss?
A: Sorry Soniaji has specifically forbidden me to do so.

Q: Have you ever exaggerated the size of your, uh, crowds?
A: No, but I want to stress that during cold weather my crowd may appear smaller than it actually is.

Q: During coverage of Election results, why should all the TV networks use the color Pink for states you win?
A: Because I have joined "A Consortium of Pub-Going, Loose and Forward Women" on Facebook

Q: Are you going to appear on NDTV before the election?
A: I was on there, but they cut out my scene because of what they are calling a "wardrobe malfunction" involving my pink chaddis, which is totally bogus because as the so-called "mainstream" media is fully aware but refuses to report, I wasn't wearing any.

Q:Have you ever lost consciousness during a public appearance, and did the audience notice when they woke up?
A: No, because they lost consciousness first.

Q: What should the Members of Parliament do about Mamta Bannerjee? What would you do?
A: I would carefully weight all the options, then have somewhere between three and seven chota pegs.

Q: I've been asleep for the past 2 months and just woke up today. Did you win the election?
A: We're still waiting for some final recounts, but: Yes.

Q: Would the Pakistanis be to blame if you lose the majority vote?
A: No, I blame global warming. Although that could be caused by the Pakistanis.

Q: What will be the tenor of your administration?
A: To give all politicians more salaries and perks. To subvert all Supreme Court orders by changing the Laws of the Land. To rewrite the entire constitution. To tax the citizenry even to the extent that they have to pay for breathable air. What was your question again?

Q: If an IT professional immigrated to the US and became an American citizen but his job was outsourced to his high school classmate still living in India, can he expect a tax rebate?
A: We will tax his classmate to the fullest extent as an NRI outsourcee, unless either of these people sent me money?

Q: What exactly, without avoiding the question, is your policy on reservation?
A: I strongly agree with pretty much everybody.

Q: As candidate for P.M. who has your ear?
A: What?

Q: Is it too early to label it "the failed UPA administration"?
A: Duh.

Q: Have you given a thought to the fact that you might lose this election by a wide margin?
A: This thing is not over yet. All we need is a little momentum, by which I mean cash contributions that are not reported to anybody.

Q: When, it's finally voting day. Don't forget to vote for yourself. I myself voted for you here in Bangla Desh. No matter what happens, at least you've got a vote from one person in Bangla Desh.
A: Which is why I am officially declaring victory there, as well as Tibet.

Q: After waiting on line at my polling booth for three hours (and I never wait on line longer than 2 hours unless it's for the Merry-Go-Round ride at Esselworld), I found that my name wasn't even on the voters list! Talk about dirty-tricky voter suppression! Who can I sue (for a large amount of money) over this injustice?
A: Well, for starters, Satyam Computers.

Q: After you win the election, I must make one request: within your first 10 days in office, can you please make it illegal for any cricket player on the opposing team to be within 1kilometre of Preity Zinta during an IPL match. That dear, sweet, gorgeous woman might get hurt, I don't think that's right. P.S. can you also make a law naming me her only caregiver...I could 'nurse' her back to health.
A: Only if I can be opening batsman.

Q: We're "down to the wire" here... your campaign looks basically the same as when you started, that is to say, you haven't made or broken any promises to the Indian citizens, and what you have delivered is a message of hope (at least as it relates to more taxation and less public services, and law and order.)
A: Yes.

Q: How well do you expect to do in Gujarat where Modi will get 120% of the registered vote?
A: I expect to get 270 percent, thanks to the last-minute support of the 140 percent who are still undecided.

Q: How do you feel about the candidates running against you for P.M. this year?
A: The what?

Q: What's the best voter recruiting strategy, beer or booth-capturing?
A: They are both effective. An honest candidate.

Q: The Congress Campaign has made this tense and over-wrought election season bearable through comic releif. If you lose this election, will you try again in 2014?
A: I am already accepting contributions for a triple bypass.

Q: I have no doubt that you are personally responsible for February’s disaster-free month in Mumbai. How were you able to accomplish this excellent feat?
A: We outsourced our disasters to the United States.

Q: As P.M. will you declare any new national holidays, and if so, what will they be named?
A: "Mangalvar” and "Budhvar" Also "Somvar."

Q: You and I were on a flight back from Nederlands to Delhi, some time ago. I was across the aisle from you, in business class. You, unlike most politicans, did nothing. You did not talk, wave your arms, order anyone around, maul the flight attendants, or disappear into a mysterious private back cabin. Actually, you acted disturbingly normal. Where you ill?
A: No. I was just feeling the effects of the weed i smoked there relaxed.

Q: Both the BJP and the CPM are prepared to declare a bandh if they lose the election. Are you prepared to declare a bandh if you lose?
A: No matter what happens, I think everybody involved should declare a bandh. This is India, dammit.

Q: This has been an enjoyable question and answer experience. Is there any chance you could continue it in some other area of the Internet? (Damn these commercial breaks for cutting you off!)
A: There are other areas on the Internet?

Q: Are you going to stop answering questions here, in the interest of allowing the nation to recuperate?
A: Yes.

Selective Amnesia !!

Bharathiyanaris*: Save Indian Culture, Stay Indoors !

Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ''Those individuals should be on medication.''

Today I want to tell you about such a person, B.S.Yeddy-something-or-other, from Bangalore (No,I don’t really know what the B.S. stands for), who has come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Save Indian Culture Day. As the name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would try to save Indian Culture. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.

Yeddy came up with this idea a few years ago. Just before going on one of his many “Yatras” for which he was almost nominated for an Oscar, he was playing kabbadi**, and, as so often happens, began talking about kabbadi being an Indian cultural sport. And then while auditioning for the role of Slumdog... and looking at a slice of really mouldy roti*** that he had to eat in a scene, it struck him: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY saves Indian Culture? He decided that the logical day would be Jan 24, because that -- as you are no doubt aware -- is the day Yeddy launched his “ Save Grama Rajya” march for the farmers, along with the “Save Cauvery” march.

Since then, Yeddy has made a near-superhuman effort to promote Save Indian Culture Day. As he puts it: ``I've talked against pub culture like a moron, and encouraged my several friends to join, on every Jan 24, except for a couple where I forgot.''

And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Save Indian Culture Day. In desperation, he turned to Mutha Lick of the "Sri Ram Army" (not to be confused with the Indian Army, which is a "Save the Indian Borders" force) for help. As an influential goon, Mutha had the power to ''make or break'' a national day. You may recall that almost nobody celebrated December 6^th as Ayodhya Day until Advani brought down the Babri Masjid.

So Mutha Lick decided to throw his full support behind Save Indian Culture Day, to be observed this Jan 24. To help promote this important cause, Yeddy decided to seek the endorsement of another famous celebrity from the “taking money while promising official favours” stable Ashok Get-a-lot and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Ashok, Raj Thuggery, Ramalinga Raju, Col. Purohit, Swami Sadhvi, the Afghan Taliban, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler and Anbumani Ramadoss: people who I hoped would read this have all become big supporters. I see no need to recruit Diggu Kamath, because he already talks funny, as we can see from this transcript of a recent Government press conference:

REPORTER: Could you please explain either your policy on Regional Plan 2021 or SEZ's ?

Diggu : Ummm Uhhhh .

To prepare for Save Indian Culture Day, you should practice incorporating cultural terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:

KUMAR: Hi, Sachin.

SACHIN: Hi, Kumar. Have you had a chance to look at the Batliwala file?

KUMAR: Yes, and I have some suggestions.

SACHIN: OK, I'll review them.

Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Save Indian Culture Day:

KUMAR: Bharath Mata ki Jai**** Sachin.

SACHIN: Pranaam and Jai ho Kumar, I'm in such a foul mood today. It's the weekend and I have not found a girl, even an ugly one, who has the slightest interest in me.

KUMAR: Maybe it's your bad breath or your body odour, or the fact that you have dirt under your fingernails. Shall we go out to the pub and beat up some Indian youth and molest their girlfriends to satisfy our loser frustrations. Maybe that will make you feel all better and relieved.

SASHA: Absolutely. But let’s call Mutha Lick and his boys, the more the merrier, no?? If only the two of us go the girls themselves will be able to beat us up. Besides it’s Save Indian Culture Day, that's as good an excuse as any for mauling women. Ask the Taliban.

As you can see, talking like a cultured Indian will infuse your everyday conversations with spirituality and confidence. So join the movement! On Jan24, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Bharat Mata ki Jai!'' If the caller objects that he is not an Indian, inform him that he is a "bad word"mangy dog (or, if the caller is female, a "bad word" mangy female dog) who will be roundly abused, beaten and molested.

But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, my compatriots, should be part of it. Join us again on Jan. 24 next year. You HAVE the frustrated goons, darn it: Don't be afraid to let them loose! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement, (like electoral reform, or Bingo Mad Angles*****), that sweeps the pubs of the nation, or wherever Indian women and men congregate, in parks or in movie halls, even in zoos, I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.

But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have guns.

-------------------------

Legend:
*Bharatiyanaris: What young nubile Indian women are referred to snidely in speeches by lecherous politicians.

**Kabbadi: A contact sport like Sumo Wrestling except that it is played with a single person of one team holding his breath and humming, while the opposing team try to knock the stuffing out of him.

***Mouldy Roti: Bread or Chapatti that when left out too long develops more culture than all political parties combined.

****Bharat Mata ki jai: Clarion call for Indian independence during the British Raj, now used to condone vandalism - a reference to India as our mother (female) was ironically used when molesting women in the Mangalore pub.

***** Bingo Mad Angles: a triangular titbit that comes in hermetically-sealed packets, goes well with draught beer.

Hail to the Chief !!

Kudos to Muntazer al-Zaidi, the shoe-i-cide bomber, with a lousy temper and even lousier aim. He really took one on the chin for team Iraq.... or as Georgie Bush would say "Eye-Rack" even though he was not referring to Sarah Palin.

Personally methinx throwing the shoes made for a great Nike ad..... "Just Do It" or a perfect line from an old Clint Eastwood movie, George W.saying: "Go ahead make my day"

Although CNN really made the mother of all discoveries when they said, "In Iraqi culture throwing shoes at a person is considered an insult" Wow!! Can anyone tell me in which part or the world is throwing shoes considered a compliment!?? Certainly not in the hallowed halls of the Indian Parliament or Secretariats.... the difference being that some chappals actually land with good effect.

There were not one but TWO presidents on the podium that fateful day... and there were not one but TWO shoes thrown as well... unfortunately both missed... since George W., so used to ducking issues, managed adroitly to avoid being hit by these as well. The question to be asked here is "Where was the famed secret service??" In the event of danger to the President of the United States they are supposed to even leap in front of a speeding bullet!! I suppose speeding shoes are not listed in their operating manuals as dangerous weapons.


To return to the brogues of our reporter however we are sad to inform you that we have not elicited a confession as to the origin of said footwear, nor of style. For instance were they leather, denim or suede. Were they strap-ups or lace-ups or slip-ons. Were they produced in the Asian sweat shops or in an Italian Fashion house. Were they Oxfords or Espadrilles, Mocassins or Balmorals... although one wag was heard to comment on the scribes "loafers". One thing is for is certain, we will never know for they were summarily burnt right after the incident; to the disappointment of shoe collectors everywhere.

George W. Bush confirmed that at least he was the most fit President America has ever had..... just not fit to be the President.

Our Iraqi correspondent tells us that the shoes were destroyed as Homeland Security declared them to be weapons of mass destruction. Imagine that!Finally ! Closure !!

Sweating the Meltdown.

Bashing vs. Banking

After watching hotties Priety Zinta (Dimples) and Raveena Tandon( Musth Cheez) in a forum discussion on NDTV last night on what should be done now to our ailing, corrupt and inept politicians/Pakistan/bureaucrats et al, I went to bed thoroughly baffled that no one, NOT ONE person mentioned the gratuitous price reduction of a litre of auto fuel (petrol Rs.5.00 or 20 cents American and diesel Rs.2.00 all of 8 U.S. cents.)

Disappointed I went to bed. I woke up this morning experiencing several anxieties which I would like to share with my five and a half readers here in the hope that they will add up to enough for two whole chapters so that I can go back to sleep.

Anxiety A: Shri.Marathi Manoos, Jr.
As you probably know, Shri.Manoos Jr. is this person who started his own political party and wishes to take over the country.
This worries many people because his views are somewhat unorthodox. ( What I mean of course is that he is crazy as a loon.Where normal people have a brain, Marathi Manoos,Jr., has a Bash-a-Bihari video game.But I’d better not state this in public, as I do not wish to have his ardent followers beat me up with hockey sticks and steal my i-pod.)

Those of you who are frequent railway travelers are no doubt familiar with Shri.Manoos’s views.
Some time ago the Manoos people were not able to get their hands on a leaked copy of the railway entrance examination paper. So they sneaked up behind the applicants arriving from outside the state and bashed them with their own foot rulers and compass boxes and stabbed them with their ballpoint pens, in full view of the examiners, who of course did not object. Many of them probably helped out by bashing the out-of-towners with their own luggage.
The railway incident caused massive nationwide concern and anxiety because of the unorthodoxy of their views, which, as far as I can tell involved an item number by Monica Bedi of Abu Salem fame. Not that I personally see anything wrong with these views! No sir! I don’t even have an i-pod!

But then, two of Shri. Manoos’s closest friends were ex-Chief Minister Shri.Deshmurkh and the then Home Minister Shri.Shi*raj Patel, who has a soft corner for Manoos since they both have “Raj” in their names, which means “to rule”.

But we have to ask ourselves if we, as a nation can continue to ignore crazy people like Party Leader Manoos, with responsibilities which involve giving inflammatory speeches, driving an Audi and phoning his uncle every day to see if he's dead. Because if these people are allowed to win, they’ll go after more and more power, until someday instead of just blaming our neighbours our top national leaders will be going around babbling about laser beams from outer space.

So I call on you Mumbai Citizens to come to your senses before the general election and take responsible action in the form of building a guillotine or moving to a more intelligent state…. Arunachal. This is the perfect time to do so, thanks to the grand reduction in fuel prices.

Anxiety B: The Global Meltdown and Declining oil prices.
Like many Indians I viewed declining oil prices as the first real positive side-effect of the Global Meltdown, the next being P.Chidambaram (motto: there are lapses) who was mercifully shifted from Finance to Home.
But then I started reading articles by leading nervous investment bankers saying that dropping oil prices in the global market is a very bad sign, because it causes severe hardship to the following large organisations:
a) Saudi Arabia and other oil-rich nations in the Gulf.
b) The large oil-tanker manufacturers.
c) Indian-Oil and Hindustan Petroleum which of course are Public Sector “Undertakings”
d) The tax collection department.
e) The American oil cartels.
When I read this naturally my reaction as a concerned citizen, was hahahahahahahaha.

But I am going to explain to you why we really need to be worried about the detoriating oil prices. Thus far the international economy was based on the U.S. dollar, which was trusted and respected throughout the world because the Euro had not solidified as yet, and any Third World oil-rich nation who bartered their oil for anything other than the petro-dollar was invaded and their oil scavenged off to American companies. To be fair, the value of the dollar was dependent on the investment expertise of large U.S. banks, which gave huge sums to the Arabs to lose on goat fights, rooster fights and camel races.

This system worked well till recently when U.S. banks got cocky and also began doling out huge sums of money called sub-prime mortgages, to American homeowners who DID NOT not own oil-wells.
So now the banks are stuck with unpaid mortages and a lot of oil, which they are trying to get rid of by converting to credit cards which they offer to me. I get about five credit card offers from desperate banks every day. They even offer to send someone out to deliver it and wash my car.
I don’t know about you but I am not comfortable with the global economy being dependent on my credit card purchases.

So I think we need to rework the world economy but getting banks to start selling real estate and opening car-washes, and shopping malls- which accept credit cards, to take over the banking functions, such as lending money to fund sub-prime mortages and subsequently declaring bankruptcy.

Then we can buy petrol and diesel over the counter at the pharmacy, which will be sold to wealthy Chinese investors.
And Shri.Manoos will oversee this and control it by using laser beams from outer space.

India Burning

My fellow Indian Citizens! I wrote this interesting little nugget and would like to share with all of my wonderful fans out there.

Who am I kidding, NOBODY reads this drivel.

Sad to say but a former Patriotic Indian has switched over to the "Dark Side" and has decided not to vote ever again. Always a shame when that happens.

And now for your enjoyment I proudly present:

'National (In) Security we can believe in.'

I'm not voting because I believe the government can do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm not voting because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody (except a radical Hindu, Muslim, Christian or a Politician) is offended by it.

I'm not voting because when we send our cricket team to Pakistan I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they NOW think we're good people.

I'm not voting because I believe that people who can't safeguard our borders from just 10 (count them on your fingers - TEN) terrorists, talk about us being a superpower and play around sending rockets to the moon.

I'm not voting because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of innocents in Mumbai and the rape and slaughter of Christian in Orissa so long as we keep the Parliament attacker death row inmate alive for political expediency.

I'm not voting because I believe that business should NOT be allowed to make profits for stockholders (provident funds, employee benefits, etc). They need to break even and give the rest away to the government as excise, income, sales and service taxes for redistribution as government bureaucrats see fit i.e. the moon rocket and the time money and energy wasted on the Indo-US Nuclear agreements.

I'm not voting because I believe three or four pointy headed “Marathi Manooses” need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some kooks and goondas who would NEVER get their agendas past level-headed voters.

I'm not voting because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over THERE, and they come over HERE (and they ALREADY HAVE!), I do not even have a cricket bat in the house to fight them off, because all the armed security being provided in the country is only for the politician.

I'm not voting because I love the fact that I can drive any way I want on the roads and not follow any rules whatsoever.

I'm not voting because I believe oil companies' accumulated losses on every litre of gas is obscene, but the GOVERNMENT TAX on gas at 19% isn't.

I'm not voting because I don't want India to look at harnessing solar, wind and alternative energy to save it’s environment from degradation, but will continue to depend on importing petroleum products, as well as allowing other countries to use our shores as dumping grounds for their toxic wastes.

I'm not voting because I want the Parliament to continue to be adjourned to avoid any vote on aam aadmi betterment programmes.

I'm not voting because I believe that 500+ people most of whom have criminal records and whom I would not hire to clean my toilet, have enough combined experience to run the whole country!! (into the ground)

I'm not voting because we need a leader like our P.M. with the charisma and wisdom that tells us that India has yet to undertake police reforms and that, “existing laws will be tightened to ensure that there are no loopholes….” also that, “the PEOPLE of India will rise unitedly to face this grave challenge….” He never mentions the politicians. Now this is wisdom.' WOW!

I'm not voting because I WANT TO PAY for bad roads, improper town and country planning, power shortages, no running tap water, pollution of my environment, no law and order, non-existent health care, poor education, reservation policies. This too, is a legacy of wisdom bequeathed by our politicians for over 60 years of independence! DOUBLE WOW!

I'm not voting because I want to pay bribes to all those corrupt babus for any public service, licences, permits, papers I might need, to carry on my daily existence as a bona fide citizen of India. TRIPLE WOW!

But mostly I'm not voting because I'm happy for anyone who makes more illegal money than me; and I expect the government to help them make more through deals like the 3G Spectrum telecom scam, so that the Swiss Banks can add to the already more than 1.5 trillion dollars squirreled away by politicians and other notorious notaries in their notoriety, from India. So that when anarchy does finally reign supreme in this fair nation, they can happily live in luxurious comfort befitting political refugees in the good ol’ US of A. DRUMROLL… BADOM BADOM TISH!

See ya at the Malegaon blast hearings next week.

Thanks for looking,

To all those who died and gave their lives in this senseless massacre in Mumbai.... the whole world weeps with me, go with God and forever rest in peace.