Selective Amnesia !!

Bharathiyanaris*: Save Indian Culture, Stay Indoors !

Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ''Those individuals should be on medication.''

Today I want to tell you about such a person, B.S.Yeddy-something-or-other, from Bangalore (No,I don’t really know what the B.S. stands for), who has come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Save Indian Culture Day. As the name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would try to save Indian Culture. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.

Yeddy came up with this idea a few years ago. Just before going on one of his many “Yatras” for which he was almost nominated for an Oscar, he was playing kabbadi**, and, as so often happens, began talking about kabbadi being an Indian cultural sport. And then while auditioning for the role of Slumdog... and looking at a slice of really mouldy roti*** that he had to eat in a scene, it struck him: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY saves Indian Culture? He decided that the logical day would be Jan 24, because that -- as you are no doubt aware -- is the day Yeddy launched his “ Save Grama Rajya” march for the farmers, along with the “Save Cauvery” march.

Since then, Yeddy has made a near-superhuman effort to promote Save Indian Culture Day. As he puts it: ``I've talked against pub culture like a moron, and encouraged my several friends to join, on every Jan 24, except for a couple where I forgot.''

And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Save Indian Culture Day. In desperation, he turned to Mutha Lick of the "Sri Ram Army" (not to be confused with the Indian Army, which is a "Save the Indian Borders" force) for help. As an influential goon, Mutha had the power to ''make or break'' a national day. You may recall that almost nobody celebrated December 6^th as Ayodhya Day until Advani brought down the Babri Masjid.

So Mutha Lick decided to throw his full support behind Save Indian Culture Day, to be observed this Jan 24. To help promote this important cause, Yeddy decided to seek the endorsement of another famous celebrity from the “taking money while promising official favours” stable Ashok Get-a-lot and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Ashok, Raj Thuggery, Ramalinga Raju, Col. Purohit, Swami Sadhvi, the Afghan Taliban, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler and Anbumani Ramadoss: people who I hoped would read this have all become big supporters. I see no need to recruit Diggu Kamath, because he already talks funny, as we can see from this transcript of a recent Government press conference:

REPORTER: Could you please explain either your policy on Regional Plan 2021 or SEZ's ?

Diggu : Ummm Uhhhh .

To prepare for Save Indian Culture Day, you should practice incorporating cultural terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:

KUMAR: Hi, Sachin.

SACHIN: Hi, Kumar. Have you had a chance to look at the Batliwala file?

KUMAR: Yes, and I have some suggestions.

SACHIN: OK, I'll review them.

Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Save Indian Culture Day:

KUMAR: Bharath Mata ki Jai**** Sachin.

SACHIN: Pranaam and Jai ho Kumar, I'm in such a foul mood today. It's the weekend and I have not found a girl, even an ugly one, who has the slightest interest in me.

KUMAR: Maybe it's your bad breath or your body odour, or the fact that you have dirt under your fingernails. Shall we go out to the pub and beat up some Indian youth and molest their girlfriends to satisfy our loser frustrations. Maybe that will make you feel all better and relieved.

SASHA: Absolutely. But let’s call Mutha Lick and his boys, the more the merrier, no?? If only the two of us go the girls themselves will be able to beat us up. Besides it’s Save Indian Culture Day, that's as good an excuse as any for mauling women. Ask the Taliban.

As you can see, talking like a cultured Indian will infuse your everyday conversations with spirituality and confidence. So join the movement! On Jan24, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Bharat Mata ki Jai!'' If the caller objects that he is not an Indian, inform him that he is a "bad word"mangy dog (or, if the caller is female, a "bad word" mangy female dog) who will be roundly abused, beaten and molested.

But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, my compatriots, should be part of it. Join us again on Jan. 24 next year. You HAVE the frustrated goons, darn it: Don't be afraid to let them loose! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement, (like electoral reform, or Bingo Mad Angles*****), that sweeps the pubs of the nation, or wherever Indian women and men congregate, in parks or in movie halls, even in zoos, I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.

But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have guns.

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Legend:
*Bharatiyanaris: What young nubile Indian women are referred to snidely in speeches by lecherous politicians.

**Kabbadi: A contact sport like Sumo Wrestling except that it is played with a single person of one team holding his breath and humming, while the opposing team try to knock the stuffing out of him.

***Mouldy Roti: Bread or Chapatti that when left out too long develops more culture than all political parties combined.

****Bharat Mata ki jai: Clarion call for Indian independence during the British Raj, now used to condone vandalism - a reference to India as our mother (female) was ironically used when molesting women in the Mangalore pub.

***** Bingo Mad Angles: a triangular titbit that comes in hermetically-sealed packets, goes well with draught beer.

Sweating the Meltdown.

Bashing vs. Banking

After watching hotties Priety Zinta (Dimples) and Raveena Tandon( Musth Cheez) in a forum discussion on NDTV last night on what should be done now to our ailing, corrupt and inept politicians/Pakistan/bureaucrats et al, I went to bed thoroughly baffled that no one, NOT ONE person mentioned the gratuitous price reduction of a litre of auto fuel (petrol Rs.5.00 or 20 cents American and diesel Rs.2.00 all of 8 U.S. cents.)

Disappointed I went to bed. I woke up this morning experiencing several anxieties which I would like to share with my five and a half readers here in the hope that they will add up to enough for two whole chapters so that I can go back to sleep.

Anxiety A: Shri.Marathi Manoos, Jr.
As you probably know, Shri.Manoos Jr. is this person who started his own political party and wishes to take over the country.
This worries many people because his views are somewhat unorthodox. ( What I mean of course is that he is crazy as a loon.Where normal people have a brain, Marathi Manoos,Jr., has a Bash-a-Bihari video game.But I’d better not state this in public, as I do not wish to have his ardent followers beat me up with hockey sticks and steal my i-pod.)

Those of you who are frequent railway travelers are no doubt familiar with Shri.Manoos’s views.
Some time ago the Manoos people were not able to get their hands on a leaked copy of the railway entrance examination paper. So they sneaked up behind the applicants arriving from outside the state and bashed them with their own foot rulers and compass boxes and stabbed them with their ballpoint pens, in full view of the examiners, who of course did not object. Many of them probably helped out by bashing the out-of-towners with their own luggage.
The railway incident caused massive nationwide concern and anxiety because of the unorthodoxy of their views, which, as far as I can tell involved an item number by Monica Bedi of Abu Salem fame. Not that I personally see anything wrong with these views! No sir! I don’t even have an i-pod!

But then, two of Shri. Manoos’s closest friends were ex-Chief Minister Shri.Deshmurkh and the then Home Minister Shri.Shi*raj Patel, who has a soft corner for Manoos since they both have “Raj” in their names, which means “to rule”.

But we have to ask ourselves if we, as a nation can continue to ignore crazy people like Party Leader Manoos, with responsibilities which involve giving inflammatory speeches, driving an Audi and phoning his uncle every day to see if he's dead. Because if these people are allowed to win, they’ll go after more and more power, until someday instead of just blaming our neighbours our top national leaders will be going around babbling about laser beams from outer space.

So I call on you Mumbai Citizens to come to your senses before the general election and take responsible action in the form of building a guillotine or moving to a more intelligent state…. Arunachal. This is the perfect time to do so, thanks to the grand reduction in fuel prices.

Anxiety B: The Global Meltdown and Declining oil prices.
Like many Indians I viewed declining oil prices as the first real positive side-effect of the Global Meltdown, the next being P.Chidambaram (motto: there are lapses) who was mercifully shifted from Finance to Home.
But then I started reading articles by leading nervous investment bankers saying that dropping oil prices in the global market is a very bad sign, because it causes severe hardship to the following large organisations:
a) Saudi Arabia and other oil-rich nations in the Gulf.
b) The large oil-tanker manufacturers.
c) Indian-Oil and Hindustan Petroleum which of course are Public Sector “Undertakings”
d) The tax collection department.
e) The American oil cartels.
When I read this naturally my reaction as a concerned citizen, was hahahahahahahaha.

But I am going to explain to you why we really need to be worried about the detoriating oil prices. Thus far the international economy was based on the U.S. dollar, which was trusted and respected throughout the world because the Euro had not solidified as yet, and any Third World oil-rich nation who bartered their oil for anything other than the petro-dollar was invaded and their oil scavenged off to American companies. To be fair, the value of the dollar was dependent on the investment expertise of large U.S. banks, which gave huge sums to the Arabs to lose on goat fights, rooster fights and camel races.

This system worked well till recently when U.S. banks got cocky and also began doling out huge sums of money called sub-prime mortgages, to American homeowners who DID NOT not own oil-wells.
So now the banks are stuck with unpaid mortages and a lot of oil, which they are trying to get rid of by converting to credit cards which they offer to me. I get about five credit card offers from desperate banks every day. They even offer to send someone out to deliver it and wash my car.
I don’t know about you but I am not comfortable with the global economy being dependent on my credit card purchases.

So I think we need to rework the world economy but getting banks to start selling real estate and opening car-washes, and shopping malls- which accept credit cards, to take over the banking functions, such as lending money to fund sub-prime mortages and subsequently declaring bankruptcy.

Then we can buy petrol and diesel over the counter at the pharmacy, which will be sold to wealthy Chinese investors.
And Shri.Manoos will oversee this and control it by using laser beams from outer space.