Please! Please! Pretty please stop banging on the toilet door
every time I’m in there on my daily sabbatical, just to ask where I left the
cell phone charger, or have I paid the water bill since you’re passing there on
your way to the store, or (and this cracks me up) whether I want my breakfast
eggs fried or scrambled. And then, when I get teed-off at such rude intrusion, you
go: Why? What’s wrong in asking you that! And then go: Why do you have to lock
the door anyway. What’s going on in there?
Also, if you are in such a tearing hurry and need to use the
loo as well, stop yelling at me to “hurry up”. Does it occur to you that we
have another fully functional bathroom just down the corridor! And no other
resident in the house!?
Yes that’s what I’m talking about … we men, and our toilet
time!
We are men! In ancient times, in time of difficulty, we
have always needed to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age our “caves” are fully plumbed. The toilet for us is the last bastion, the
final refuge, the last few square metres of man-space left to us. Somewhere to
sit, something to read, something to do and who gives a dam about the odour.
Because THAT, for us, is happiness. Because we are men! We are different:
We have only one word for “soap”!
To us strawberry is a fruit, and kiwi is a bird, not colours!
We do not own candles! Let alone chocolate-scented ones!
We have never seen anything….of any value… in a craft shop!
We do not collect magazines, at least not those which have
photographs of celebrities, with all their clothes on!
When we have conversations we actually take it in turns to
talk!
We have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering
boredom and inhuman despair where we go to have our hair-styled….. just for fun!!
We never get excited about really, REALLY boring things like
ornaments, bath oils, the countryside, babies, spiders.
We don’t even know what…. what in the name of all that’s holy,
is the purpose of potpourri!!!….looks like burnt cereal, smells like your octogenarian
aunt! Why do we need that?
So please, in this strange and frightening world allow us one
last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot! This fortress of
solitude!
And finally when you ladies go to the bathroom in groups of
two or more, we do not pass comment, we do not make judgement – that is your
choice.
