2011 : Looking Back in Perplexity!

JANUARY

7^th

In New Delhi the Department of Identity Cards unveils a new, improved, unique, identity DNA, blood and stool sample card called "Aadhar Plus".This is such a big hit that Nandan Nilekani, the expert who thought it up, is immediately put to work on developing a policy to deal with the Kashmir issue.

18^th

A barge loaded with garbage sets out from the Mandovi under the command of the NIO Director for Exploration, who is seeking to prove his theory that Goa could have been discovered by early mariners from Portugal in crude garbage barges, and maybe we can reverse the trend.

FEBRUARY

11th
Something happened in Egypt. I think a pyramid fell.

15^th

In the widening 2G scandal, the heads of three major telecom firms rob a department store.

MARCH

3^rd

At the Wagah border, tensions mount as a Pakistani ranger gets his butt kicked by a female BSF jawan for having insulted Salman Khan.

20^th

Census 2011 says that India has only 940 females for every 1000 males. So that leaves 60 men who have to take matters into their own hands.

APRIL

1^st

Baba Ramdev reveals that he can raise the dead. The manufacturers of Viagra immediately offer to buy him out. To which Swami Agnivesh responds, “Ha! Ha! The joke’s on you.”

Mamata to Sonia," If you call a bunch of chickens a "flock", fish a "school", and cows a "herd" do you know that a group of Baboons, the loudest,most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates is called a "congress?" To which Sonia responds," Ha! Ha! The jokes on you."

15^th

The central figure in the Anna Hazare Indian anti-corruption movement, "Lieutenant" Arvind Kejriwal, becomes an instant national folk hero, when, with eyes glistening and voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits before world- wide television and thousands of Jan Lokpal supporters, that he is very patriotic.

MAY

2^nd

Osama Bin Ladens five wives, call up US Navy Seals from Pakistan to rescue them, as he refused to let them bathe and worse...did not allow them to go shopping.

15^th

Simi Grewal, angered over persistent media reports that she has had extensive plastic surgery, strikes Cyrus Broacha with one of her synthetic hair extensions.

JUNE

21^st

Crack detectives in the Finance Ministry in New Delhi begin to suspect that it might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in Pranabda’s office and two chairs and a table say, “Bless You.”

24^th

In response to the growing pressure from Lucky Farmhouse a.k.a Atal the drug dealers girlfriend, the Goa Government vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the Cabinet.

JULY

10^th

A new policy requiring random drug testing for cricketers runs into problems when over half the spin bowlers are unable to hit the specimen bottle.

13^th

In an effort to establish that she is sophisticated and has good taste, Rakhee Sawant offers to woo and wed Baba Ramdev.

19^th

Tensions ease at Delhi airport, as a Kingfisher Flight is allowed to refuel and take off for Bangalore, freeing up space for Air India’s planes to be parked as they have a shortage of pilots.

31^st

Mickey and Babush file their tax returns.

AUGUST

10^th

The IT department sends back their (Mickey and Babush) tax returns, politely pointing out that they’re supposed to fill them out.

13^th

Shammi Kapoor ( the original founder of "Yahoo!") goes to the Big Movie Theatre in the Sky.

Ladies, ladies! It's NOT Kabab it's Kapoor! 

17^th

In the ongoing war against poverty and global depression members of parliament gave themselves a hefty (24-crore) pay and perks raise which included the latest iPad tablet, leading Apple Co. to coin the new slogan, “iPads for unPads”

22^nd

Activist and writer Arundati Roy, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, accuses Anna Hazare of being non-secular. To which Kiran Bedi replies, “We respect all denominations, including the 500 and 1000 rupee notes.

SEPTEMBER

6^th

True News Item: A train full of commuters travelling from Tirupati to Varanasi went 980 km in the wrong direction before passengers realized what was happening. Congress's Digvijay Singh remarks, “Maybe it saw a snake.”

8^th

In WikiLeaks action, Mayavati makes a minister do sit-ups and sends an empty plane to Mumbai to pick up her favourite brand of footwear, but says that Julian Assange should be sent to the Agra mental asylum.

21^st

Chidambaram announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of the 2G spectrum in connivance with A.Raja since he was busy granting mining licences to AP and Goa.

23^rd

Times Now reporters examine their diaries and discover, to their shock, that Jan 2008 they approved the sale of the 2G spectrum. They are immediately arrested.

OCTOBER

17^th

In a press conference the PM when asked by reporters about L.K.Advani’s persistent allegations the he is “out of touch,” responded vigorously: “Yes, I enjoy chicken butter masala.”

21^st

In Africa, Libya learns that Muammar Gadaffi is finally dead. After a celebratory dinner the dozen remaining freedom fighters are summarily shot by the military.

26^th

In Mumbai Shahrukh Khan releases Ra One, – it flops, and SRK threatens to produce a sequel.

29^th

Maruti Motors in Manesar is forced to recall 3000 cars after the strike was called off, after learning that Trade Union Leader Sonu Gujjar, apparently acting on his own used the plants computers to place orders for 50 tonnes of ganja to be concealed in the cars cushions.

30^th

The Formula1 Grand Prix in Delhi is won by Mrs.Svetlana Rostok, 85, of Morjim, Bardez driving an 1965 Ambassador with the left indicator on.

NOVEMBER

9^th

The SAARC meeting concludes on a triumphant note as External Affairs Ministers Krishna agreed that his Pakistani counterpart Hira Rabbani was “hot”.

11^th

L.K.Advani announces on his Rath Yatra that he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister and immediately becomes the BJP front-runner.

12^th

Mamata Bannerji announces that SHE doesn’t want to be Prime Minister either.

13^th

In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Kingfisher Airlines announces that its flights will operate without engines. “Most of them never take off anyway,” explains a spokesman.

16^th

Aishwarya Bachchan has a baby, L’oreal immediately launches a new line of toddler products.

17^th

Sushil Kumar, a commoner from Bihar wins 5 crores in Kaun Banega Crorepati by answering the jackpot question, “When will Sachin score his 100^th century?”

20^th

In the most dramatic Radia-2G testimony known as Barkhagate, Barkha Dutt, played by Preity Zinta, testifies that, as CBI investigators closed in, she and Nira Radia stayed late in their Mumbai studio editing the “Lakshya” film for television.

29^th

The public responds with massive displays to reports that a number of totally unsuspecting Congress politicians were cruelly tricked by the US ambassador into believing that retail in FDI was good for the Indian economy.”It was a mistake that anyone could have made,” said a retail middleman, “provided that he had the IQ of a slug.”

DECEMBER

4^th

Dev Anand goes to the Big Movie Production House in the Sky, and signs up Shammi Kapoor and Liz Taylor as the male and female leads for his version of "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".

6^th

In a pre-parliamentary winter session public relations gambit, designed to show that he is a normal human, Kapil Sibal is interviewed by Arnab of Times Now, who clearly nervous, addresses the Minister as “Sybil.”

11^th

Mario Miranda gracefully checked out of Goa and travels on to the great ‘toon factory in the hereafter.

17^th

At the ongoing 50th year “Goan-Liberation Ritual”, Sonia Gandhi pledges to consider “Special Status” for the state “with total objectivity” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as Congress President, but also as a former Italian Princess.”

23^rd

DGP Aditya Arya gets shunted out of Goa to huge sighs of relief from the underworld. It’s back to business for the rest of the tourist season and the Sunburn festival begins to take on a rosy hue.

24^th

The election Commission announces dates for polling in 5 states. Santa Claus is happy that a lot of Christmas goodies will now come out of political coffers.

….and in other news….

with elections in the offing, villagers in UP are wary of poll visits from Rahul Gandhi.”The last time he came he ate our food and slept on our charpoy. It being winter, this time he will also take our blankets and maybe the shirts off our backs”, says a farmer in Aligarh.

31^st

Everyone wishes for Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Men. From where I’m standing and as sure as I have faith in the human spirit, nothing’s going to change.

Real nude pictures of Sarah Palin (not)

My friend Hodishi Takanaka called me yesterday and exulted, “Hey Ken San, You know the new Presiden’ of America is Barack”. I replied,” Yes,Hidoshi San,I know and do you know that he’s also African American.” To which he said,” I tole you jus’ now he was barrack, din you heah me!’ … Ok bad joke!

I always knew that the White House needed some colour, it was too bland thus far. Worse with George Bush in residence and due to neglect in the last 8 years both the White House and America started taking on a sort of greyish-yellow hue.

The new incumbent will need to be concerned about re-decorating, I’m thinking a nice pastel green might be in order, but he would need to scrape off the accumulated gunk before even starting.

A very important issue that Obama and indeed all of us need to be concerned about is the Global Financial Meltdown, and we will get to that shortly, but first we need to discuss what happened the other day in my back yard.

It began when I was in the garage searching for toilet paper (I keep toilet paper in the garage). Suddenly Arjun, the plumber, who also doubles as a part-time gardener shouted: ''There's a snake in the bushes!'' he may have been shouting, “There’s a tiger on my tail”, but he sounded pretty excited. My immediate response was: ''No, thanks! I’ve already had breakfast!'' But he kept jumping up and down on the compound wall so I decided to remedy the situation.
What is called for, by tradition, is for The Man of the House to put down his toilet paper and take charge.

I peeked over the backyard wall, and, sure enough, there was a large yellowish-grey thing, (that did not look remotely like Dick Cheney or any other White House inhabitant), slithering around, and sneaking under a rock. This was a perfect example of why -- no matter what you hear to the contrary -- private citizens have a legitimate need for machine guns. No single-shot air gun is going to bring down a slithering snake at close range. To stop one of those babies, you need to put a LOT of firepower into its hide.

Unfortunately, the only weapon I had was a stick. You know how, in Bollywood war movies, Hrithik Roshan, when it's time to go into battle, gives out a mighty yell and charges boldly forward with his shirt off, muscles bulging and head held high? Well, that is not what I did. I reached slowly into my pocket, careful not to make any sudden movements, and taking out my secret weapon, dialled the Forest Department. Then I made gentle hissing sounds in the direction of the snake designed to assure it that not only was I harmless, but I was also willing, if necessary, to cook it some dinner.

I then grabbed the stick and turned to face the snake just in case it decided to charge, and, looking into the hole into which it had slithered, I swear I saw that it had purple fangs and eyes, which were GLOWING.

When the Forest Department guy arrived he collaborated that this snake was large. This was by FAR the largest snake I have ever encountered.

Are you familiar with the movie ''Anaconda,'' in which Jennifer Lopez is part of a National Geographic survey of the jungle to capture the largest anaconda, a group of cardboard cutouts posing as actors bite off more than they can chew and get swallowed by an over sized and very agitated snake. That sums up the film. What looked like it may have been a flop was saved by a computer graphic snake upstaging all the actors and devouring them. Unfortunately J-Lo survived since she was too glamorous to be devoured and she would have made the snake look tame by comparison by throwing a hissy fit if she was to be eaten. Well, the snake in my backyard looked like it could have used that Anaconda as dental floss.

So anyway, when the snake-catcher coolly pulled out the snake with his bare hands and told me that the 9 foot monster snake was, in fact, a shy non-venomous rat snake, I knew exactly what to do. Specifically, I yelled: ''It's a rat snake!'' This was for the benefit of the neighbours. I'm sure the snake already knew what it was.
''Oh! And don't harm it!'' I told the snake- catcher for further effect.

So there, alone in the wilds of my backyard for a space of time, armed only with a stick, I almost went head-to-head with the Godzilla Devil Snake From Yamalaya. It clearly was not afraid of me. It looked right at me from under the rock in the aggressive, confident manner of a creature that, in the wild, preys on baby water buffalo.

How well did I handle myself? I certainly don't want to blow my own trumpet.
FOREST DEPARTMENT PERSON: Kenneth was very, very brave.

I have kept the stick handy in a corner just in case of another emergency, but I feel good that I also saved a rat snake from harm by calling the Forest Department.

So now the house is quiet again. I am uneasy however. I find myself wondering: Where did that thing COME from? What if there's SOMETHING MORE out there? A killer earthworm?

I frankly don't know how anyone can think about the Global Meltdown at a time like this.

P.S. The Palin headline was a marketing gimmick to see how many more of you would be drawn to read my BlogSpot:). HIDOSHI TANAKA: Confucius say, “Sucker born every minute not rorripop(LOLLIPOP)”