Todays science topic is : Carnival
Welcome to Goa, Carnival visitors! You are in for an awesome time, from the moment you arrive in our beautiful land, until the moment you discover that a grunt of pigs has invaded your hotel room.
I'm joking! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Goa is a terrific place, despite the warnings you may have heard from politicians that jealous terrorists think Carnival is a great time to threaten to blow up stuff to stop our poor security personnel from having fun.
Well the joke's on you, Mr.Al Qaida & Mr.George Bush, because our loyal policemen and policewomen have fun too, even more than the regular carnival-goers, since they also get to play "Unravel The Traffic Bottleneck", and "Brandish Your Lathi & Scare the Tourist While Pretending to Maintain Law & Order."
And then there's Jelly-Llolita criticizing Goa as a backward state portraying "decadent western culture." For the record, that charge is unfair: Goa is WAY better armed than any other state culturally. Goa is also a world-class party place, which is why the Carnival is being held here for a record-tying 'nth time. Compare that with -- to pick a city at random -- Chennai, which has been selected to host the Carnival a total of, let's see, 10 times, no, 5 times, nope, 3 times, uhuh no, twice, naah, once, nope . . .
Wow, it seems that Chennai has NEVER, not once since Independance, been selected to host the Carnival. I'm sure there's a good reason for this, such as that the Chennaiites have no concept of Carnival Bacchanalian Delights, too few hotel rooms, or too many asinine lame-brains representing "Ancient Divine Culture".
But enough about Ms.J. Let's get back to Goa, and how you, the Carnival tourist, can get the most pleasure during your stay here, with the least amount of sucky hangovers.
ARRIVAL
Chances are you'll land -- if you're lucky -- at Dabolim Soon-To-Be- (Name of Freedom Fighter) International Airport Goa, hoping to find a welcoming, modern, tourist-friendly airport such as is described in your Government of India, Ministry of Tourism Brochure, - what the airport will eventually be like if they ever finish it. This is unlikely to happen in the current century because the airports are under the control of politicians, who traditionally fall into one of three categories: (1) incompetents; (2) criminals; and (3) incompetent criminals.
My neighbour and his family have been born and have lived here forever, and mentions in passing that for that entire time the airport has been under construction, with almost all of the visible progress taking the form of larger and better barricades to prevent people from entering.
At the airport, you will notice that many people speak Hindi; this is often true in Goa. It is not a big deal. Most Goans speak some Hindi; in fact, many of them speak Hindi far better than -- to pick an asinine lame-brain at random -- Jelly-Llolita.
But the English is too very well spoken here,and helps a lot.
Nevertheless, you may find it helpful to learn a few basic Hindi phrases, such as:
"Kripya kijiye Bhenji ya Bhai Saheb.'' ("Excuse me, sister or big brother.'')
"Mein do din se mere samaan ke liye intezaar kar raha hoon'' ("I have been waiting two days for my luggage.'')
"Ji haan, maine ticket kharid liya tha.'' ("Yes, I have bought a ticket")
"Kyaa umeed hain ki Carnival se pahele mujhe mil jayega ?" ("Do you think I will get my luggage in time for the Carnival?'')
"Sundaas kidhar hain ?'' ("Where is the toilet?'')
TRANSPORTATION
Goa boasts a modern light skybus and ''transit for the masses'' system that cost crores of rupees and serves an average daily transportation of nearly four people between two pillars. This system was conceived of and built by basically the same political leadership responsible for the airport, so needless to say it does not go to the airport.
It also does not go to many other places that many Goan residents would like to go, which is why most of them do not use it. To them, the skybus is a mysterious object that occasionally whizzes around somewhere in the adminisphere, unrelated to their lives, kind of like INSAT 1B.
The point is, you need to get a car or a bike. Do NOT be afraid to do this. You may have heard horror tales about driving in Goa, but the truth is that you will be perfectly safe, as long as you remain within the parking area. Beyond that, you're on your own.
If you do venture out on the roads of Goa, here are some rules to bear in mind:
*Never stop for an amber light unless you want to be rear-ended.
*Maybe for a red light but only if there's a posse of cops around.
*Signaling a turn is viewed as a sign of weakness.
*If you do stop ensure you're back in the parking lot before you do.
**If you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving car that does not appear to have a driver, that car is in fact being operated by a senior citizen approximately the height of a soda bottle, but with worse eyesight. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PASS THIS CAR. At any moment the driver could suddenly decide to turn right without warning. Just be patient, and within 5 kilometres the car will drive off the road, often into a roadside ditch or the Mandovi river, and you can pass safely.
About parking: In Goa, it is acceptable to park pretty much anywhere, including on sidewalks, lawns, and slow-moving pedestrians, but thanks to Maneka Gandhi it is a crime to park on stray dogs.
There are also some pay parking spaces; if you find one. Parking is trickier in Calangute & Arambol Beaches, where the last available space was taken in 1985. If you go over there, you will have to hire a local driver, who will park it somewhere else. Mumbai, for example.
Here are some useful Hindi expressions for getting around Goa:
"Raaste se hato Jelly-Llolita.'' ("Get out of my way, you stupid idiot.'')
"Thuko math bewakoof.'' ("Please do not spit Jelly-Llolita.'')
"Arabi samudar yahaan kahin hain na?'' ("Is the Arabian Sea around here?'')
"Nangae logon ka beach kahaan hain?'' ("Where is the beach with the naked people?'')
"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh !!!!'' ("Excuse me, but you have parked on my foot.'')
The Carnival parade commences at 4 pm post -siesta (yawn).
A fine attraction which offers Fun For The Whole Family, such as food, music, food and comic relief with grown men wearing thongs and a parade of village children wearing costumes with enormous heads. These would make ideal disguises for terrorists.
Oh! And then there's the Pooja Bedi float.
Welcome to Goa, Carnival visitors! You are in for an awesome time, from the moment you arrive in our beautiful land, until the moment you discover that a grunt of pigs has invaded your hotel room.
I'm joking! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Goa is a terrific place, despite the warnings you may have heard from politicians that jealous terrorists think Carnival is a great time to threaten to blow up stuff to stop our poor security personnel from having fun.
Well the joke's on you, Mr.Al Qaida & Mr.George Bush, because our loyal policemen and policewomen have fun too, even more than the regular carnival-goers, since they also get to play "Unravel The Traffic Bottleneck", and "Brandish Your Lathi & Scare the Tourist While Pretending to Maintain Law & Order."
And then there's Jelly-Llolita criticizing Goa as a backward state portraying "decadent western culture." For the record, that charge is unfair: Goa is WAY better armed than any other state culturally. Goa is also a world-class party place, which is why the Carnival is being held here for a record-tying 'nth time. Compare that with -- to pick a city at random -- Chennai, which has been selected to host the Carnival a total of, let's see, 10 times, no, 5 times, nope, 3 times, uhuh no, twice, naah, once, nope . . .
Wow, it seems that Chennai has NEVER, not once since Independance, been selected to host the Carnival. I'm sure there's a good reason for this, such as that the Chennaiites have no concept of Carnival Bacchanalian Delights, too few hotel rooms, or too many asinine lame-brains representing "Ancient Divine Culture".
But enough about Ms.J. Let's get back to Goa, and how you, the Carnival tourist, can get the most pleasure during your stay here, with the least amount of sucky hangovers.
ARRIVAL
Chances are you'll land -- if you're lucky -- at Dabolim Soon-To-Be- (Name of Freedom Fighter) International Airport Goa, hoping to find a welcoming, modern, tourist-friendly airport such as is described in your Government of India, Ministry of Tourism Brochure, - what the airport will eventually be like if they ever finish it. This is unlikely to happen in the current century because the airports are under the control of politicians, who traditionally fall into one of three categories: (1) incompetents; (2) criminals; and (3) incompetent criminals.
My neighbour and his family have been born and have lived here forever, and mentions in passing that for that entire time the airport has been under construction, with almost all of the visible progress taking the form of larger and better barricades to prevent people from entering.
At the airport, you will notice that many people speak Hindi; this is often true in Goa. It is not a big deal. Most Goans speak some Hindi; in fact, many of them speak Hindi far better than -- to pick an asinine lame-brain at random -- Jelly-Llolita.
But the English is too very well spoken here,and helps a lot.
Nevertheless, you may find it helpful to learn a few basic Hindi phrases, such as:
"Kripya kijiye Bhenji ya Bhai Saheb.'' ("Excuse me, sister or big brother.'')
"Mein do din se mere samaan ke liye intezaar kar raha hoon'' ("I have been waiting two days for my luggage.'')
"Ji haan, maine ticket kharid liya tha.'' ("Yes, I have bought a ticket")
"Kyaa umeed hain ki Carnival se pahele mujhe mil jayega ?" ("Do you think I will get my luggage in time for the Carnival?'')
"Sundaas kidhar hain ?'' ("Where is the toilet?'')
TRANSPORTATION
Goa boasts a modern light skybus and ''transit for the masses'' system that cost crores of rupees and serves an average daily transportation of nearly four people between two pillars. This system was conceived of and built by basically the same political leadership responsible for the airport, so needless to say it does not go to the airport.
It also does not go to many other places that many Goan residents would like to go, which is why most of them do not use it. To them, the skybus is a mysterious object that occasionally whizzes around somewhere in the adminisphere, unrelated to their lives, kind of like INSAT 1B.
The point is, you need to get a car or a bike. Do NOT be afraid to do this. You may have heard horror tales about driving in Goa, but the truth is that you will be perfectly safe, as long as you remain within the parking area. Beyond that, you're on your own.
If you do venture out on the roads of Goa, here are some rules to bear in mind:
*Never stop for an amber light unless you want to be rear-ended.
*Maybe for a red light but only if there's a posse of cops around.
*Signaling a turn is viewed as a sign of weakness.
*If you do stop ensure you're back in the parking lot before you do.
**If you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving car that does not appear to have a driver, that car is in fact being operated by a senior citizen approximately the height of a soda bottle, but with worse eyesight. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PASS THIS CAR. At any moment the driver could suddenly decide to turn right without warning. Just be patient, and within 5 kilometres the car will drive off the road, often into a roadside ditch or the Mandovi river, and you can pass safely.
About parking: In Goa, it is acceptable to park pretty much anywhere, including on sidewalks, lawns, and slow-moving pedestrians, but thanks to Maneka Gandhi it is a crime to park on stray dogs.
There are also some pay parking spaces; if you find one. Parking is trickier in Calangute & Arambol Beaches, where the last available space was taken in 1985. If you go over there, you will have to hire a local driver, who will park it somewhere else. Mumbai, for example.
Here are some useful Hindi expressions for getting around Goa:
"Raaste se hato Jelly-Llolita.'' ("Get out of my way, you stupid idiot.'')
"Thuko math bewakoof.'' ("Please do not spit Jelly-Llolita.'')
"Arabi samudar yahaan kahin hain na?'' ("Is the Arabian Sea around here?'')
"Nangae logon ka beach kahaan hain?'' ("Where is the beach with the naked people?'')
"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh !!!!'' ("Excuse me, but you have parked on my foot.'')
The Carnival parade commences at 4 pm post -siesta (yawn).
A fine attraction which offers Fun For The Whole Family, such as food, music, food and comic relief with grown men wearing thongs and a parade of village children wearing costumes with enormous heads. These would make ideal disguises for terrorists.
Oh! And then there's the Pooja Bedi float.
I am really rethinking my decesion to come to Goa!
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