Of Man & Machine

Onward Road Warriors

If there’s one thing this country needs, it’s bigger cars. That’s why I’m so excited that Hindustan Motors & Mitsubishi have launched a new mound of metal which offers consumers even more road-squatting mass than the current leader in the humongous-car category, the popular Toyota Innova – visible from the planet Mars.(C’mon even the Ambassador is now visible from the moon!)

The new Mitsubishi is called the Montero ( Untamed Jungle Adventurer ) The TV commercials will show it splashing through raging rivers, dashing up rocky mountains, swinging off bungee ropes, and diving under tsunami seas to fight off giant underwater sharks, & rescue pet turtles to impress Preity Zinta – all the daredevil things that SUV’s do in the Wide World of Sports.

In fact the national highways in the Wide World of SUV Sports, having been abandoned by humans, are burgeoning with deer, birds, tigers, hare and other wildlife species that have fled the forest to avoid being run over by nature-lovers in multi-ton vehicles charging through the flora and fauna at 100 kmph.

In the real world, of course, nobody drives SUV’s in the forest (what forest?!), because when you have paid upwards of 15 lakhs for transportation (the most powerful 4-wheel drive with monocoque body and multi-link independent suspension,3.2 liter 16 valve DOHC intercooled turbocharged DI-D and a cyclone-type pre-air cleaner – gasp!), the last thing you want is squirrels doing potty on it. Now if you want an off-road vehicle, you get yourself a 1990’s Tata Sumo, which combines the advantage about not being worth worrying about with the advantage of it being so ugly that poisonous reptiles flee from it in terror.

In the real world, what people mainly do with their SUV’s, as far as I can tell, is try to maneuver them into and out of parking spots. I base this statement on the lanes of Panaji market, where many “up-market” shoppers drive Mahindra Scorpios. I’ve noticed that these folk often purchase just a couple of items- maybe a bottle of mineral water and a 100 grams of low fat, zero-calorie paneer- which they place in the back of the SUV, having the same cargo carrying capacity, in cubic metres, of Bhutan. This means there is plenty of room left over in case, on the way they decide to pick up something else, such as a herd of water buffalo.

Now comes the scary part: getting out of the parking spot. This is challenging, because the driver does not seem to be able to, while sitting in the drivers’ seat, see all the way to either end of the vehicle, even with multiple mirrors on either side. While driving a scooter, on numerous occasions I have found myself trapped behind an SUV backing directly towards me, its massive metal butt looming high over my head, making me feel like Faye Ray looking up at King Kong.

I’ve tried blowing my horn, but the SUV drivers cannot hear me, because they’re always talking on cell phones the size of baby pacifiers (“The bigger the car, the smaller your cell,” is their motto) I don’t know who they are talking with. Maybe they’re negotiating with their water buffalo suppliers. Or maybe they’re trying to contact another cell phone in the same area as the rear end of their car, to find out what’s going on back there. I’m thinking of carrying SOS flares so that I can warn SUV drivers that they are about to run me over. Although I really don’t think they’d care if they did run me over. A big reason why they bought an SUV is “safety,” as in “you, personally will be safe, although every now and then you may have to scrape the remains of other motorists and pedestrians off your bumpers and tyres.

Anyway we now have the new Mitsubishi Montero, which will be even larger than the Scorpio, which maybe will have separate decks for various classes of passengers, and someone on the bonnet teaching Kate Winslet (Titanic) how to spread her arms and dry her pits.

I can’t wait to see one of these beauties wheel into Panaji lanes. Other drivers and pedestrians will try to flee in terror, but they will be sucked in by the Monteros’ powerful gravity and become stuck to its’ massive sides like fridge magnets. But they won’t be noticed by the Montero driver, who will be busy banging the side of his head, trying to dislodge his cell phone, the size of a pea, which has fallen into his ear canal.

And it will not stop there. This is India, dammit, and Tata Motors is not about to just sit by and watch Hindustan Motors walk away with the title of “Most Insane Passenger Vehicle.” Cars will just keep getting bigger on Indias’ footpaths-for-roads: I see a time, not too far in the future, when suburban society housewives will haul their overdue DVDs’ back to the rental store in full-size,16-wheel tractor trailers with names like The Terminator, Dara Singh or Bheem..
It will be a proud time for all Indians, a time to cheer and sing “Sare Jahaan Se Achha.” We should sing loud, because we’ll be hard to hear, from under the bumper.