2011 : Looking Back in Perplexity!

JANUARY

7^th

In New Delhi the Department of Identity Cards unveils a new, improved, unique, identity DNA, blood and stool sample card called "Aadhar Plus".This is such a big hit that Nandan Nilekani, the expert who thought it up, is immediately put to work on developing a policy to deal with the Kashmir issue.

18^th

A barge loaded with garbage sets out from the Mandovi under the command of the NIO Director for Exploration, who is seeking to prove his theory that Goa could have been discovered by early mariners from Portugal in crude garbage barges, and maybe we can reverse the trend.

FEBRUARY

11th
Something happened in Egypt. I think a pyramid fell.

15^th

In the widening 2G scandal, the heads of three major telecom firms rob a department store.

MARCH

3^rd

At the Wagah border, tensions mount as a Pakistani ranger gets his butt kicked by a female BSF jawan for having insulted Salman Khan.

20^th

Census 2011 says that India has only 940 females for every 1000 males. So that leaves 60 men who have to take matters into their own hands.

APRIL

1^st

Baba Ramdev reveals that he can raise the dead. The manufacturers of Viagra immediately offer to buy him out. To which Swami Agnivesh responds, “Ha! Ha! The joke’s on you.”

Mamata to Sonia," If you call a bunch of chickens a "flock", fish a "school", and cows a "herd" do you know that a group of Baboons, the loudest,most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates is called a "congress?" To which Sonia responds," Ha! Ha! The jokes on you."

15^th

The central figure in the Anna Hazare Indian anti-corruption movement, "Lieutenant" Arvind Kejriwal, becomes an instant national folk hero, when, with eyes glistening and voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits before world- wide television and thousands of Jan Lokpal supporters, that he is very patriotic.

MAY

2^nd

Osama Bin Ladens five wives, call up US Navy Seals from Pakistan to rescue them, as he refused to let them bathe and worse...did not allow them to go shopping.

15^th

Simi Grewal, angered over persistent media reports that she has had extensive plastic surgery, strikes Cyrus Broacha with one of her synthetic hair extensions.

JUNE

21^st

Crack detectives in the Finance Ministry in New Delhi begin to suspect that it might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in Pranabda’s office and two chairs and a table say, “Bless You.”

24^th

In response to the growing pressure from Lucky Farmhouse a.k.a Atal the drug dealers girlfriend, the Goa Government vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the Cabinet.

JULY

10^th

A new policy requiring random drug testing for cricketers runs into problems when over half the spin bowlers are unable to hit the specimen bottle.

13^th

In an effort to establish that she is sophisticated and has good taste, Rakhee Sawant offers to woo and wed Baba Ramdev.

19^th

Tensions ease at Delhi airport, as a Kingfisher Flight is allowed to refuel and take off for Bangalore, freeing up space for Air India’s planes to be parked as they have a shortage of pilots.

31^st

Mickey and Babush file their tax returns.

AUGUST

10^th

The IT department sends back their (Mickey and Babush) tax returns, politely pointing out that they’re supposed to fill them out.

13^th

Shammi Kapoor ( the original founder of "Yahoo!") goes to the Big Movie Theatre in the Sky.

Ladies, ladies! It's NOT Kabab it's Kapoor! 

17^th

In the ongoing war against poverty and global depression members of parliament gave themselves a hefty (24-crore) pay and perks raise which included the latest iPad tablet, leading Apple Co. to coin the new slogan, “iPads for unPads”

22^nd

Activist and writer Arundati Roy, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, accuses Anna Hazare of being non-secular. To which Kiran Bedi replies, “We respect all denominations, including the 500 and 1000 rupee notes.

SEPTEMBER

6^th

True News Item: A train full of commuters travelling from Tirupati to Varanasi went 980 km in the wrong direction before passengers realized what was happening. Congress's Digvijay Singh remarks, “Maybe it saw a snake.”

8^th

In WikiLeaks action, Mayavati makes a minister do sit-ups and sends an empty plane to Mumbai to pick up her favourite brand of footwear, but says that Julian Assange should be sent to the Agra mental asylum.

21^st

Chidambaram announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of the 2G spectrum in connivance with A.Raja since he was busy granting mining licences to AP and Goa.

23^rd

Times Now reporters examine their diaries and discover, to their shock, that Jan 2008 they approved the sale of the 2G spectrum. They are immediately arrested.

OCTOBER

17^th

In a press conference the PM when asked by reporters about L.K.Advani’s persistent allegations the he is “out of touch,” responded vigorously: “Yes, I enjoy chicken butter masala.”

21^st

In Africa, Libya learns that Muammar Gadaffi is finally dead. After a celebratory dinner the dozen remaining freedom fighters are summarily shot by the military.

26^th

In Mumbai Shahrukh Khan releases Ra One, – it flops, and SRK threatens to produce a sequel.

29^th

Maruti Motors in Manesar is forced to recall 3000 cars after the strike was called off, after learning that Trade Union Leader Sonu Gujjar, apparently acting on his own used the plants computers to place orders for 50 tonnes of ganja to be concealed in the cars cushions.

30^th

The Formula1 Grand Prix in Delhi is won by Mrs.Svetlana Rostok, 85, of Morjim, Bardez driving an 1965 Ambassador with the left indicator on.

NOVEMBER

9^th

The SAARC meeting concludes on a triumphant note as External Affairs Ministers Krishna agreed that his Pakistani counterpart Hira Rabbani was “hot”.

11^th

L.K.Advani announces on his Rath Yatra that he doesn’t want to be Prime Minister and immediately becomes the BJP front-runner.

12^th

Mamata Bannerji announces that SHE doesn’t want to be Prime Minister either.

13^th

In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Kingfisher Airlines announces that its flights will operate without engines. “Most of them never take off anyway,” explains a spokesman.

16^th

Aishwarya Bachchan has a baby, L’oreal immediately launches a new line of toddler products.

17^th

Sushil Kumar, a commoner from Bihar wins 5 crores in Kaun Banega Crorepati by answering the jackpot question, “When will Sachin score his 100^th century?”

20^th

In the most dramatic Radia-2G testimony known as Barkhagate, Barkha Dutt, played by Preity Zinta, testifies that, as CBI investigators closed in, she and Nira Radia stayed late in their Mumbai studio editing the “Lakshya” film for television.

29^th

The public responds with massive displays to reports that a number of totally unsuspecting Congress politicians were cruelly tricked by the US ambassador into believing that retail in FDI was good for the Indian economy.”It was a mistake that anyone could have made,” said a retail middleman, “provided that he had the IQ of a slug.”

DECEMBER

4^th

Dev Anand goes to the Big Movie Production House in the Sky, and signs up Shammi Kapoor and Liz Taylor as the male and female leads for his version of "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".

6^th

In a pre-parliamentary winter session public relations gambit, designed to show that he is a normal human, Kapil Sibal is interviewed by Arnab of Times Now, who clearly nervous, addresses the Minister as “Sybil.”

11^th

Mario Miranda gracefully checked out of Goa and travels on to the great ‘toon factory in the hereafter.

17^th

At the ongoing 50th year “Goan-Liberation Ritual”, Sonia Gandhi pledges to consider “Special Status” for the state “with total objectivity” adding, “You have that on my honor not only as Congress President, but also as a former Italian Princess.”

23^rd

DGP Aditya Arya gets shunted out of Goa to huge sighs of relief from the underworld. It’s back to business for the rest of the tourist season and the Sunburn festival begins to take on a rosy hue.

24^th

The election Commission announces dates for polling in 5 states. Santa Claus is happy that a lot of Christmas goodies will now come out of political coffers.

….and in other news….

with elections in the offing, villagers in UP are wary of poll visits from Rahul Gandhi.”The last time he came he ate our food and slept on our charpoy. It being winter, this time he will also take our blankets and maybe the shirts off our backs”, says a farmer in Aligarh.

31^st

Everyone wishes for Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Men. From where I’m standing and as sure as I have faith in the human spirit, nothing’s going to change.

The Goodly English I is Speaking.

All this controversy about Goan Government’s decision to give grants only to English medium primary schools, and the ongoing fallout has my head spinning.

I could never in a zillion years imagine MY parents supporting me, leave alone joining me, in boycotting classes and demonstrating outside my school, no matter what language I protested for. What a thrashing I would have got had I even broached the subject. Leaves me wondering what namby-pamby parents kids are inheriting nowadays.

But I agree it is important to learn English and maybe Bollywood aspirants from the Tiatr companies need to brush up on their Hindi as well, because, let’s face it, on the World Stage of Opportunity neither Konkani nor Marathi is going to bring home the lolly.

Foreigners who visit Goa for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the past 50 years since Liberation, many local citizens still converse in pidgin Portuguese. However Russian tourists who arrive in Goa are thrilled that their cab driver and guides are extremely fluent in Russian, and know exactly how many rubles buy a shot of vodka.

Oh, sure quite a few Goans speak a modicum of Hindi but usually just barely enough to land a job as head-waiter at a beach shack. And there are some who know the English alphabet, which just about allows them to read the labels on alcohol bottles.

This leads to problems for the rest of India and the world, firstly when the domestic tourist needs to obtain important information from them, such as, “Nangae logon ka beach kahaan hain?” (Where is the beach with the naked people) or the international traveler who asks, “Say dude, where can I score some primo weed?”

To their credit some countries such as the USA have made a sincere effort to adopt English as their native language. But even there you have problems.

Travelling around California which is possibly the most linguistically deformed area in the US (maybe because the Latin-Americans there consider marijuana their staple diet) I found that Americans seem to have misplaced the letter “O” and lost their “T’s” altogether.

I mean listen to them when they tell you they like their “cahfee hahd and sweed” and their “bahdled wahder cold” and you’ll know what I mean. When I pointed this out they sounded very apologetic and “sahree” when they told me that quite a few “G’s” too had “gahn missin’.”

So if any of my ardent readers have extra alphabets that you no longer need, and need to free up some closet space, please send them to: Alphabets R Us, Secretary of State for Linguistics, USA.

But the point that I and the Goan government is trying to make here is that the rest of the world seems to be taking its own sweet time to learn English, except for China. So in the interest of combating terrorism and improving customer relations with Pakistan, it’s up to Goans to put the bull to the grindstone and seize the horns of the day and show India how to learn English. If virtual monkeys can do it then why can’t we?

As a nation we are not strong in this area: A recent poll showed that although India has 29 languages and 1600 dialects, 92% of Indians living in India and abroad speak no foreign language at all. The same census showed that 95% also cannot speak English and 59% cannot speak Hindi, 80% cannot name the village they live in, and 76% believe that the Himalayas are covered in vanilla ice cream.

So you can see that education in India is going to be an uphill task here in the sense that Indians, are forever going to be linguistically challenged. C’mon, let’s face it, this is why the Chinese are capable of hosting the Olympic games, whereas we view just getting Mr. Kalmadi into prison a major achievement.

So,let’s stop blaming the education system for the fact that we score lower on IQ tests than the Chinese, the Koreans or the Japanese, and maybe a few other vertebrate life forms on the planet! This is nothing to be ashamed of, Indians! Say it out loud! “We are like this only!” See? Doesn’t that feel good?

And… let’s stop whining, feeling sorry for ourselves and crying in anguish over the fact that the Central Minister in charge of human resources, has a multiple personality disorder with a matching surname that sounds like “Sybil”.

Remember: We still have nuclear weapons. Hee hee!

But to get back to the point of discussion, we should all learn to speak English, and maybe understand the local language of the state where we plan to live and work.

HOW TO LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE:

The key to understanding how most people communicate is to know what is meant by an “idiomatic expression” of which some examples are:

ENGLISH: “Watch it buster!” (“Sumbuddy is gonna get hurt!”)

HINDI: “Teri maa ki!” (“Sumbuddy and their mother is gonna get hurt!”) Although some Australian cricketers think this refers to their simian ancestry.

KONKANI: “Aae! Jeeb Sambhaal!” (“Look! Let’s discuss this! And maybe no one will get hurt.”) One of those namby pamby parents maybe?

TAMLISH:

Also when speaking Hindi, always remember, that for some strange reason everyday actions and groceries are “masculine” or “feminine” depending on who is referring to whom. Dogs for example are usually masculine, even if they are not, and wild animals like the elephant are masculine. (This does not mean, by the way, that a dog will not try to hump an elephant’s leg, it probably will.)

If you land up speaking Hindi in Kashmir, at certain points during each sentence you should give the impression that you are about to hawk up a major gob of phlegm.

Ok? Practice speaking English, in front of a mirror or with someone who speaks it fluently until you feel comfortable, then go to a country whose lingua franca is English and try to achieve world peace and international understanding, the way Zail Singh did during his Presidential visit to Britain, when; while the Queen was feeding the Royal swans, he said that he was, “extremely pleased to be admiring her bathaks.”

Battling the Weather Blues.

Blame it on the weather. Four plus months of almost perennial downpour and I swear I think my ears are growing vestigial gills, mould lining my leathers, slippery moss on the sidewalks, and what really irks me is the kid with that really, really bad cold. He’s sniffling and snotting and is one of those brats who will not blow his fool nose. He chooses instead to use his palm to wipe off the extra mucous bits and then wipes it on his shirt and sniffs and snorts and makes that liquidy, annoying sound that makes you want to take a cricket bat and make of his head a snot "dahi-handi". Maybe blowing his nose and emptying his nostrils into a tissue is deemed uncouth in his remote part of the planet Melmac. Whatever the reason, he has one humongous head full of snot.

But I digress. Despite the weather or because of it, there is always something to do. Something that must be done. And then when you're done with that, there is more. And then even more. And then you sit for a minute to rest. GET UP! Get that lazy butt of yours back in gear!
And right there is another problem: forcing yourself to enjoy it. It sounds like a date with Simi Garewal.

And no matter how long you keep your washing on the makeshift line that traverses the bedrooms, living room and the kitchen, the ceiling fans just tend to swirl the dampness around, and after four days the damp odours begins to fester.

I should have learned my lesson from the previous monsoon in the first place and gone and gotten that dryer when it only costed an arm.

Take my advice folks, when you find those patches of fungus forming in your pits, when birds are drowning in midair, and priests are cursing openly in the streets then go down to the store and buy a dryer. Or if you already have a dryer, you can try to get someone to fix it.

Thus far I went with the same pitiful mindset. For instance, I just bought this relaxation CD. A 15-minute deep muscle relaxation audio that supposedly will help me lower my blood cholesterol. So I tried listening to it. And instead of deep muscle relaxation, I got deeply teed-off at myself for not being able to relax, for not effectively using the 15 minutes of relaxation, and letting into my consciousness my grocery shopping list, my stock portfolio teetering on the brink of disaster, and then age old questions like: "Why is there hunger and why can't I get rid of this belly fat?"

Where was that feeling of calm? Where were the dreaming big dreams of snow clad mountains, babbling brooks, and deep sea fishing excursions to the Andaman Islands and being covered in chocolate by Nigella Lawson? Or, er, maybe those were just MY dreams.Where was I? Aah yes the mindset, which begs the question,” Why do we in India with our plentiful sunshine need to buy a dryer of all things?” The answer staring me in the face, as glaring as Obaba Bin Ramdev’s beard has only just registered. As of the last monsoons I did not have one, and was feeling that emotional strain that comes with a water-soaked peeling wrinkly epidermis (epidermii?)

So I went to the store and joined the crowd of people thrusting their credit cards at the saleslady who was being extra surly and slow. Who could blame her? For eight months in sunny weather she stood alone behind the dryer counter while we all sauntered past her with nary a glance. And now we were clustered round her in supplication like candidates hoping to obtain a political party ticket.
ME : Please PLEASE can I buy a dryer?
SALESLADY: Will you also take the extended sales warranty?
ME: Yes of course I’ll take two extended warranties.
SALESLADY:Hmm, I don’t know....
ME: And the dryer with the largest capacity... along with two plugs and this
voltage stabilizer… plus this toothbrush. PLEASE!

So wise consumer that I am, I bought the dryer with the maximum “load capacity” which is the binary value of how heavy a dryer is. I was in luck, to carry it into the house the company “installers” arrived a week later and they moved it into place, thus saving me and my manhood the stress of trying to move it on my own and avoiding the subsequent ignominy of requiring to wear a long term helpful crotch-device.

This dryer comes with a 4-yeat warranty which means that if the device does not work as originally intended anytime during this period, you may return it for a full refund ( ha ha just kidding).

It merely means that you are required to keep the original bills and the packaging they came in along with the sealing tape and provide proof of identity along with proof of address of ownership, together with an affidavit on 20 rupee stamp paper witnessed by at least two upright citizens who know you, that the appliance has been used in accordance with the rules and regulations (which the company has the right to revise from time to time) the company without prejudice to itself and depending on the gravity of the problem will have someone call you during the latter half of 2012 to let you know exactly which month the service person will be able to inspect the appliance.

This particular dryer is one of those new “energy saving” appliances , which means that rather than draw power from the mains , which costs money, it sucks the power out of all the other appliances in the house when it is working. When it boots up you can actually see the fridge shrink and writhe, and hear the pitiful cries of the mixie, which we have used for many years and does not understand what is going on. My niece is concerned that maybe I am overloading the system, but I reassure her using the term “volt- amperage” which I think maybe is a screw broken off from the fuses and short-circuiting the wiring.


If you cannot install a dryer I suggest you iron all your damp clothes before you wear them, or else you will smell like a dead rodent, which will make you use more deodorant; this will then force your body's natural smell-ejectors to reroute the odours to the mouth, where it forms bad breath, which is the Universe’s way of telling you that you should maybe get a dryer.

So, ergo-ipso facto-colombo-oreo, life is too stupidly busy. I end up longing for time to learn the samba or just do some carpentry so that I don't feel quite so much like a stoned hamster careening around in its running wheel.

You ask what would I do if I had nothing I had to do? Well on sunny days I'd lie in my hammock and read books, lots and lots of books, but in the rains I write blog posts with slightly hidden homicidal references.

HOPE I wasn't just dreaming !

I’m declaring this year the Global Year of Hope.

Yes so far it is a year of Hope -- at first in the sense of ``I feel hopeful!'' that Anna Hazare and his anti-corruption tribe would succeed in his battle….. and now with the knowledge that he is probably on his way to winning the war, in the sense of ``I hope this year never ends!''

It’s also a year of Change, especially in Egypt and Libya, where the tired old "dicktaters" of yesteryear finally lost out and the reins of power are now held by a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as 76 year old Mohamed Hussein Tantawi and 59 year old Mahmoud Jabril.

As a result Rakhee Sawant, rejecting``business as usual,'' finally stopped trying to solve her frustrations by getting engaged on television reality shows, and instead started trying to solve them through yoga by offering to wed Baba Ramdev.

To be sure, it is a year that sees plenty of bad news. But in almost every instance, there is offsetting good news:

BAD NEWS: The economy remains critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely depressed real-estate market, more and more farmer suicides, the total collapse of Indian Test Cricket and the steep increases in food prices.

GOOD NEWS: More people are buying Blackberries than i Phones.

BAD NEWS: The downward spiral of the Sensex continues, resulting in severe depression amongst hundreds of experienced stockbrokers and an apparently permanent deterioration in the quality of their sex lives since they switched to IDEA 3g cellular services.

GOOD NEWS: A lot more people are tweeting.

BAD NEWS: Maureen Chao the American Vice-Consul views Tamilians as dirty and dark.

GOOD NEWS: Commercials advertising fairness creams and underarm deodorants are flooding the television screen.

BAD NEWS: Ominous problems loom abroad as -- among other difficulties -- the move to repatriate black money stashed in Swiss banks went sour, and there doesn’t seem any hope for 1500 Indian students who were admitted to the fake Tri-Valley University, in Pleasanton, California.

GOOD NEWS: They finally brought Israeli drug dealer Yaniv Benain, alias Atala back to Goa and charged him with cheating politicos and cops out of their drug commissions….and Ajmal Kasab is still alive and eating biryani dinners.

In short, it is a year that we will be happy to reminisce about. But before we do, let's swallow our anti-corruption medication and ask ourselves this question.”Should A.R.Rehman compose the Anna Hazare-Ram Lila Maidan-Victory Anthem, or should we call in Lady Gaga?"

From Jantar Mantar, we bring you,the amazing.......

….and on the 5th day of April there was a conflict in New Delhi. And it came to pass that all the Champagne was consumed in the euphoria of winning the Cricket World Cup. And the Congress Mom said unto her Yes Prime Minister, “They have no more grievances.”

But Anna Hazare said unto the multitude,”Hey! I have an oldie, but goodie! What about corruption? And I say unto you, if I fast unto death I will lead you out of the darkness and into the light”

And Anna said unto the gathering,” Build me a stage with a backdrop of the image of the Mahatma imprinted upon it.

And they did so.

And when Anna did lie down on the stage and begin his fast thence did Government sit up and take notice.

And as the crowds gathered, the Government knew not from whence they came. But the Aam Aadmi did. And they applauded loudly in the streets.And the Government became afraid. And they said unto Anna,” How the hell did you do that?” and enquired of him,” Do you do children’s parties?” And Anna said, “No.”

But the Aam Aadmi did press him saying, “Go on! Give us another one!” And he brought forth a carrot and said,”Behold this! For it is the democratic carrot.” And all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top.

And he did place a silk handkerchief over the carrot and then removed it, and lo! He held in his hand a white dove.

And all were amazed and said, “This guy is really good. He should turn professional.”

And they brought to him on a stretcher a nation that was dying of corruption. And they cried unto him, “Maestro! This nation is dying of corruption.” And Anna said,” If I had to spend my whole life trying to make a fast buck, I’d probably be dying of corruption too.”

And they were filled with joy, and cried out, “Thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer.”

And there came unto him a woman called Kiran Bedi, and others who had seen the Gandhian and believed. And Anna said unto them,”Put on a topi and fast unto death alongside me.”

And three of the satyagrahis fainted and had to be given medication. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And Anna said, “Oh! Ye! Of little faith!”

And he continued his fast for another day and lo! The Government did relent.

Then the crowds went absolutely bananas. And Anna, Kiran Bedi, Arvind Kejriwal and others took a big bow.

And Anna said unto them,” From now on you shall be known as the First Citizens of the Uncorrupted Kind or F.C.U.K. for that is a good name for a bunch of assistants.”

And the people said, “We’ve never seen anything like this. THIS is great! You must be the Mahatma!”

But the Gandhian said, “No. I am He who comes after.”

And they were so amazed and said,” Then Master how shall we know a true leader?”

And Anna said, “By his name shall you know him. And he may be called Narendra Modi and Nitish Kumar may he also be called.”

“Narendra Modi?” they cried. And Anna said, “Yes, or something like that.” …….Inquilab Zindabaad !.

.....AND NOW FOR SOME COMIC RELIEF.

Big-time national politics is all about its Weirdness Quotient. High-level political races should be between identical slim men and women in identical slim suits and saris. Rational, cool men and women, who know the voting market, who never say the wrong thing, who look good on TV…and above all are incorruptible. Candidates who don't fit this mould -- the blatant hacks, the geeks, the loons, the scamsters, the criminals, the people with bad teeth – should be filtered out at the Panchayat level.

The whole point of Indian politicians speaking is watching them makes asses of themselves. They are all weird. Just like the ones who, on the national level, have picked up the torch dropped, with a typical clumsiness, by Morarji Desai and V.P.(weepy) Singh? The fat candidates. The ugly candidates.The stupid candidates.The candidates who go to formal dinners and pass out in the Mutton Vindaloo. Who set fire to themselves with beedis. The candidates, who, the only time they speak the truth is when they call another politician a liar.

If we are to keep the tradition of participatory democracy going in this country, if we are to revive voter interest, we need less of these weird people running for high office, and more of the rational variety and we need them right now.

And so I say: Heaven help Goa, whose very license plates should read, "GOA: WAKA WAKA LOCA." Because in a state like this, a state whose naturally humid climate has permitted a tremendous diversity of human and canine life to flourish and mutate, we should not be surprised to find that this year, we are being treated to an electoral race between politicians who are clearly not Standard Issue. I've spent some time watching all of them, and I can honestly state that regardless of which one is elected, we will all, as voters, have reason to be vastly amused. For example : Here's a full report on the Panaji CCP elections.

***

We are in Manu.P’s rental campaign SUV, which is stout and bouncy, not unlike Manu himself, and we are going to someplace called "Taleigao." Rumor has it that there is agriculture in Taleigao. Manu is going there to show his concern for it.

In the SUV with Manu P. is the press, including a couple of political reporters from Big Bazaar; out-of- state newspapers that are very interested in this race because

(a) it is considered crucial to the opposition’s hopes of coming to power at the centre and

(b) it is nice and warm in Goa.

The press is not crazy about landing in Taleigao. The press frankly does not care about agriculture except insofar as it is a constituent of feni and results in lunch. The press would rather hear Manu P. talk about his opponent, incumbent Anas M.,( no, the part of the anatomy you refer to is spelt with an “u”, although you might not be too far wrong in your presumptions) and his hot new campaign issue,i.e. BLOCKING ALL THE WATER THAT "FLEW" UNDER THE MANDOVI BRIDGES.

This is an issue that materialized out of the air, literally, in the form of an electoral advertisement suggesting that Manu P. is willing to let the waters overrun and drown Panaji and the state. Manu P. who has long portrayed himself as a friend of nature, the Bondla Reserve, bunny rabbits,Tito’s etc., fought back with a counter-advertisement -- featuring a photograph of Anas M. that makes him look like he lost the Room Freshener Pageant because the police thought he was too vacuous -- in which prominent doctors and ecology nuts say that they favor the drowning and they like Manu P. and think Anas’ ad is basically doggy doo.

But in a way, Manu P. has lost the round, because he had to spend money to make additional ads responding to an issue Anas M. raised in HIS advertisement.

The whole thing sort of reminds you of Coke vs. Pepsi, only with less substance.

Carnival Catastrophies and Other Venalities

Tuesday Night’s Red and Black hobgoblins from the Clube Nacional Revelry are doing the devil’s dance inside my head……my eyes blur open, my tongue is stuck to the carpet, and I can’t feel my toes. Oh! Ok those aren’t my toes! God is punishing me for having fun.

Since the dawn of Som Ras , first the Gods and then man has been plagued by hangovers. Having pondered the problem of my alcoholic stupor for the last four hours I have finally discovered the solution.

The best and most obvious way to avoid a hangover is not to drink at all, but I think we can all agree that that is not an option so let’s move on.

It’s Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Season is upon us and in order to cure your hangover and repent you must therefore attend church services as quickly as possible. So tear your tongue off the floor, and weave your way to your pew. During the service, pray for hydration. When the collection plate is passed, remove ten rupees and use it to buy aspirin.

On the way stop at a vegetable vendor and buy a bunch of lettuce leaves. Do not eat the lettuce, as they contain dangerous quantities of butt-blasting fibre. Instead arrange the leaves on your head. Laughter, they say, is the best medicine. Try to laugh at yourself. Look at you in your salad hat in the mirror. You look hilarious.

Now make yourself a cocktail. Contrary to popular belief drinking alcohol is not counter productive. That’s why you’re there nursing a headache while I sit poised on the brink of discovering the great hangover cure. A Feni Colada is your best option, as cashew nuts contain healing fats and high levels of salts that will replenish your electrolytes. Electrolytes are essential for good health and are not unlike clean underwear in that you can never have too many.

Time now to exercise. Exercise, particularly jogging, generates powerful endorphins, diminishes nausea and weakness and replaces them with higher-qualities of weakness and nausea. While you are jogging think about all the reasons you got so tanked last night. Your life’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Yes. Run faster now.

Now that you’ve worked out you will have developed the emotional clarity to quit your job, divorce your spouse, adopt a pet python and have meaningless sex with a midget. This set of tasks sounds daunting, but keep in mind that it’s difficult to stay hungover when you’re busy applying for a job as a janitor and training a python to uncoil from around your windpipe.

Finally, it’s time for another drink. This should relieve you of your hangover forever, and leave you with a calming sense of dipsomania and melancholia. If you wake up in the morning with another hangover, don’t sweat it. I’ve discovered a cure and will be happy to reveal it to you in due course. Until then take two aspirin you bought with the money you stole from church, and call your physician in the morning. Cheers.