Elections-2014:

Can Mr.Chacha Alimony possibly compete with Rhino Hernandez?

Now the eyeballs of the nation turn toward this vibrant, proud, ambitious city in North or possibly South Goa as the poll parties gather here to present their message of hope for Goa and, in the larger interest, India, namely that the Sri Ram Sena and SP are fascist, racist women-hating scum.

In the days leading up to the elections, the Russians have been enjoying their Dachas in  Morjim, while the Israelites stake out Aswem, and the Nigerians continue their drug trade in Calangute, often called "The Pearl of the Non-Goa North" because of its many attractions.

The Dhirio Hall of Fame is located here, but that is only the beginning: There are also choked roads, ramshackle buildings, dead trees, several bars and restaurants, literally tonnes of garbage, and a modern bus fleet consisting of three buses left over from the days of the Portuguese occupation.

On top of all that, right now Lower Candolim boasts a huge sand sculpture of the Pope. It bears an uncanny resemblance to what the Pope would look like if he were made out of sand sculpted by somebody who had never actually seen him. The sculpture allegedly weighs more than 15 tonnes and cost ₹30 lakhs, which was paid by the drug dealers association of North Goa Beaches, as a way of sending the message: "We have a great deal of sand……and even more weed."

It is only fitting that this sculpture has been erected here. Its looming presence serves as a reminder that no matter how many politicians take the stage, this convention is really about just one person — a person whose name will be evoked countless times over the next few days; a person who, whether you love him or hate him, has come to dominate the political discussion in this state and possibly the nation as few others ever have.

I refer, of course, to Rhino“Humma Humma” Hernandez.

I have been observing political rallies since the Babri Masjid demolition and I have never seen an artiste, speaker or singer captivate the nation the way Rhino did that night in Dumbolim. It was mesmerizing to watch: Rhino would stare into the lights and launch into song, and as he sang, you could almost hear his brain shouting "Help! Help!" as it became increasingly clear that he had no earthly idea how that particular lyric was going to end. Plus, while conducting a pretend salsa with a guitar and microphone, he made TWO proprietary anatomically impossible bodily contortions.

It was, quite simply, the best election song ever performed, and I am including the Oscar winning “Jai Ho” in that statement. When I left Dumbolim and returned, between rallies, to the normal human world, Rhino’s song was pretty much the only thing anybody wanted to talk to me about. If the AAP want to really boost TV ratings for this election, they should have Rhino sing in Delhi too. Unfortunately, it appears that our best hope for entertainment is going to be Sunny Leone, who is scheduled to deliver her remarks during the coveted 1 a.m. slot on FTV.She will of course be wearing "Wendell Rodriques".

But the most anticipated speech was delivered last Thursday night by Prime Minister Maun Singh, who was making the case that the UPA deserves a third term in office, based on his solid record of taking on some of the most difficult problems this nation has ever faced and unflinchingly blaming all of them, including the disappearance of the Malaysian Airlines jet, on the opposition. The PM also spoke about his plan for reducing corruption, which continues to be a pesky problem despite the many hard-hitting speeches and interviews the Shehzada Ra Ga has made about it.

A big concern for the UPA is whether the PM can rekindle the passion and excitement he generated in 2009. Back then he was a superstar who exuded world-class celebrity glamour, the kind you saw with Sunil Gavaskar, Amitabh Bachchan or the Beatles; whereas today, after ten uneventful years in office, he is more in the Mohd.Azharuddin bracket.

So the PM is hoping against hope to get a win from this election. It definitely has the potential to be exciting. There are a lot more protesters here in Goa than there were in Delhi, reflecting either a sudden resurgence in social awareness on the part of India’s youth or nice weather.

Also there are more celebrities here. Minutes after I arrived, I saw Sherlyn Chopra, in person, sitting at table mere metres from the giant sand Pope. The Goan Observer is authoritatively reporting that Salman Khan, Sania Mirza, and Bappi Lahri will, or will not, be attending the swearing-in ceremonies. Poonam Pandey, on the other hand, is definitely here. So am I, and you can depend on me to keep you updated.