Camp Goa -- I don’t know why anybody thought it was a good
idea to hold the BJP Prime Ministerial nominating convention in Goa. This state
has a terrible track record with politics. Does anybody remember 1990? That was
the year when Goa had 3 Chief Ministers and President’s rule all in the same
year; when the electorate were deeply confused about whether to tick or cross
off their candidates’ symbol on the ballot paper. This is not surprising: Voters
in India are also deeply confused about what lane they’re driving in, or what, specifically
they’re supposed to do when the traffic light changes colour.
So this is the last place where anybody should attempt to
nominate somebody for Prime minister. Nevertheless, Goa became the site of a
massive convention gathering featuring hundreds of delegates, party leaders,
media people, protesters, hookers, random lunatics and another guy with the
initials PM of the “We- get- our- kicks- beating- up- girls- in- Mangalore-in-
the- name- of- Indian- culture” party.
Until the weekend, the “PM-in- waiting-forever” Lau Purushji had also been planning to come; apparently he was unaware that this is the BJP
convention. He changed his mind after a meeting with his top aides that may or
may not have involved wearing adult diapers. So, tragically, LKA was not here.
But there was still a lot of excitement in the air, as well
as wind gusts upwards of 50 km per hour, as the monsoon made its way up the west
coast, posing a serious threat to the estimated 7 Drishti lifeguards standing
on the beach in matching rain slickers warning everybody to stay the hell off
the shoreline.
The monsoon rains had already affected the convention: On Friday
night, instead of the planned schedule, the BJP thought to hold a very brief
session, at which they would nominate NaMo and/or Sushmaji. Then they would
declare the convention over, and everybody would go home so as not to miss watching their favourite "Saas, Biwi aur Gulaam" TV serial.
No, that would have been WAY too sane. Instead there were three more days of speeches by every major NDA
figure and newscaster in the nation, living or dead, including the likes of
Baba Ramdev. The goal was to demonstrate to a politically aware nationwide convention-viewing
TV audience — an estimated 9 people — that NaMo is a regular non-holographic
human just like you who feels pain the same way any normal person does when one
of his bulletproof cars needs repair.
The BJP also tried to show that Manohar P. is a nice young
man who does not, as the Congress and Mr Alimony have been suggesting, want to legalize betting in cricket and prostitution. This is especially important here in Goa, because
this is a crucial state whose voters
could decide the election, assuming they can figure out where their polling booths are, which, as I noted earlier, is not a certainty, and depends on how close
the nearest bar is situated.
While all this was going on inside the convention, there was
plenty of action outside Advani’s house in the streets of Delhi, where a
handful of protesters attempted to exercise their constitutional right to annoy
pretty much everybody who is not one of them.
On top of all that, there was the
relentless approach of the monsoon, which could have major impact on the economy,
because Goa is home to an estimated 60 percent of the nation’s strategic
reserve of dance bars serving feni.
I am not suggesting for one second that Goa is some kind of
cultural backwater. Goa is a major state boasting a wide array of things, as
evidenced by this list of List of Five Fascinating Facts about Goa:
1. Goa boasts the world’s largest number of Casino boats that
can fit in the smallest stretch of river.
2. Charles Sobhraj was arrested here in 1986.
3. 13 years later the Saga of the “River Princess” lumbers
on.
